What happens (in the brain) when we experience the PASSION associated with a hook-up? Obviously, LOTS --- since such an experience will involve the stimulation of no fewer than several hundred thousand brain cells.
But more specifically, what bio-chemical concoction (love potion?) is brewing?
Some people may have heard of PEA (Phenylethylamine) --- this is an amphetamine-like chemical released by the brain during periods of passionate in-love-ness.
[You would probably not be surprised to find that there are currently several pharmaceutical companies attempting to mimic PEA. It would be the greatest love drug (not to mention money-maker) since Viagra. Can you imagine the shift in couples’ therapy: “Go home, take 2 of these, go to bed, and simply let things take care of themselves…….”]
Well, when we end up in the throes of a euphoric passionate experience, PEA whirls together in the brain with several other excitatory neurotransmitter chemicals --- for example, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Endorphins. To say the least, we experience a rush!
In fact, several of these same neurotransmitter chemicals are released in the brain during the rush associated with the use of various drugs.
Did someone say Habituation? It is not unusual to find that people need “more” in order to obtain the same rush.
More novelty, more titillation, more sensuality --- in fact, sometimes more help. An article published in the “International Journal of Impotence Research” reported that from 1998 to 2002, prescriptions of Viagra had gone up 312% --- and this was not among men over 50 --- this was for men between the ages of 18 and 45!
About 10 years ago there was a report of what were referred to as DINS (Dual-income No Sex) couples. These are couples who both work outside the home and who have sex less than 1 time per month. It is estimated that approximately 20% of married couples in the United States fall into this group.
In the initial wave of research into DINS folks, the explanation given was that such couples are simply too tired to have sex --- with all the responsibilities of 2 careers, domestic maintenance, bills, and maybe children, they just didn’t have enough left in the tank at the end of the day (or in the middle of the day, for that matter) to ramp things up for a sexual rendezvous with their spouse.
I have to admit that as I read these early accounts, I found myself in a state of relative incredulity --- not that 20% of couples fall into this categorization --- but rather, that fatigue was provided as the explanation. What hardy, robust, able-bodied young man is too tired for sex? Let’s face it --- most of us men can be right on the edge of sleep and if the woman we love rolls over and gently caresses us, we will go from nearly comatose to revved up and raring to go in about 3 nanoseconds. I don’t know any healthy young men who are (consistently) too tired for sex!
Well, as you might have suspected, subsequent studies revealed that these DINS men were actually getting theirs elsewhere – sometimes through hook-ups with real people, but more often through pornographic hook-ups.
Also, I doubt that it will come as a surprise to anyone that the same bio-chemical concoction (PEA, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Endorphins) released in the brain during hook-ups with real live people are also released during pornographic hook-ups.
Nor should it come as any surprise that once a person has become accustomed to this bio-chemical love potion, the neurological desire for more of it can be quite powerful. Once conditioned, the nervous system does not easily settle for less.
Is it any wonder that people (both men and women) who have experienced multiple sexual hook-ups (or extensive pornographic hook-ups, for that matter) typically struggle with the mundane-ness of married sex?
In last week’s Love Bytes blog [“Passion In A Hook-Up Culture”], we talked about the prevalence of hooking up in the current “dating culture.”
Some readers seemed to think that I was hoping to play sexual traffic cop. Let me make it clear – I have no intent (or desire) to regulate people’s behaviors [including (or maybe especially) their sexual behaviors.] As I frequently tell my students, I am busy enough taking care of the responsibilities that are legitimately mine – I don’t need to try to regulate anybody else’s behaviors as well – that is each of our own responsibility.
[As an aside: The same is true for each of us in every dating, cohabitating, and marriage situation. I am (still) surprised at the number of people who want to change their partner’s behavior……. But the truth is that each one of us is able to (at best) change one person’s behavior --- our own.]
People today are (desperately?) searching for love! And there are many of us who sincerely want the real thing --- not some transitory event that provides a fleeting glimpse of what love could be --- but rather, “The Bullseye Of Love” (see the Love Bytes blog post from 2 weeks ago).
There is a question that sits there like an elephant in the living room: IS A HOOK-UP CULTURE GOING TO HELP US GET THERE?
