Since this blog it titled LOVE Bytes and since the comments each week typically cover some facet of LOVE, it seems only reasonable that we spend a little time defining what LOVE actually is.
In last week’s Love Bytes blog [“Love: What Is It?”], we looked at a brief quiz about love. The 12 statements provided there are common Myths (I prefer to call them Dysfunctional Beliefs) about love.
All of them are FALSE.
Just this week in class a(nother) student asked the question: “What is love anyway?” The ensuing discussion once again revealed just how much confusion whirls around our notions of love!
Albert Einstein once stated: “Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems, in my opinion, to characterize our age.” This is probably nowhere more true than in the realm of love.
Applying Einstein’s wisdom within the context of love would look something like this. Admittedly, we have a relatively poor understanding of what love is --- in other words, the goal of love that we are shooting for is often not very clear. And yet, we continue to work at perfecting the means to achieving this goal which is not very clear.
If you have ever spent any time shooting arrows with a bow, you can only imagine how disconcerting / frustrating / annoying / bewildering it would be to work at perfecting your archery skills without knowing what the bullseye is. How can you ever adjust your aim if you don’t know what you’re shooting for?
The Bullseye of Love.
Arguably the best psychological theory of love out there asserts that love consists of 3 active components. These 3 components should be in fairly equal proportion to one another (something like an equilateral triangle). [This has often been referred to as the “Triangular Theory of Love.”]
If a couple has 1 of the sides of the triangle working well, then they have something going for them, but it isn’t love. Similarly, some couples may manage to get 2 sides of the triangle clicking pretty well, but without the 3rd, they still don’t have love. Love actually requires all 3.
Furthermore, these 3 components are active. None of them are static. With love, it is never the case that we have arrived. Love is a journey to be lived with someone rather than a destination to be reached with that person.
As a result, a couple can spend an entire life together in love. Not because they are one of those lucky few who have arrived at the static / immobile / inert place called love. But rather, because they understand that love is an active / dynamic / viable encounter that is lived out with someone.
Quite honestly, I still use this Triangular Theory of Love to check out the love in my marriage. Even after all these years, I want to periodically know just how my wife (Kathy) and I are doing? How’s our love? How is this journey going? At any given point in time I am able to think about these 3 components of love and I am able to check where we’re at in each one. If we are weak in any of these 3 aspects of love, then I know that this is an area that we need to address.
How's your love?
Over the next few weeks in the Love Bytes blog, we will be taking a look at this question. For now, I would simply like to ask:
Do you and your partner have PASSION?
Do you and your partner have INTIMACY?
Do you and your partner have COMMITMENT?
Reference: Sternberg, Robert. (1988). The Triangle of Love. NY: Basic Books.
