During the Dog Days of Summer the weeds seem to grow at an alarming rate. Our garden at home (as well as portions of our back yard) provide living proof.
But what I have noticed is that not all weeds are equally destructive.
For example, we have some weeds along the fence in the back yard that are obviously not flowers, but they also aren’t actively overgrowing everything else in the yard. So while they are sometimes not the most beautiful things to look at, they also aren’t pernicious, so we pretty much just let them grow.
We also have some other weeds (mostly in our garden) that are not really destructive. Admittedly, they are sometimes annoying and they do require some attention on a regular basis, but they are not actively choking off life in the flowers, plants, and shrubs.
But then there are the weeds that are way beyond unpleasant to look at, the weeds that are much more than annoying --- these are the weeds that are downright destructive. Quite honestly, there is little hope for the good things growing in our yard and in our garden as long as these weeds are allowed to thrive.
As you might have guessed [since Love Bytes is not a horticultural blog], these 3 types of weeds are analogous to the issues people often find in their relationships.
The first type of weeds mentioned above are comparable to the Quirks and Idiosyncrasies that are part of who we are --- the loud laugh, the slurping of a favorite drink, the dribbling of food crumbs when eating, the unconscious cracking of the knuckles (and the list goes on) --- not always pleasant to witness, but not at all pernicious. Unfortunately, however, such weeds can actually undermine an otherwise healthy relationship --- BUT the problem is not the quirks. The problem is how the partner responds to them. [If you are “bothered” by some of the idiosyncrasies of your partner, check out the Love Bytes blog titled “Loving Through The Quirks And Warts.”]
And then there are the weeds that are annoying, but again, not actively destructive. These are comparable to the many differences in Personal Preferences that couples find they have --- one person likes it cold when sleeping whereas the other prefers it warm, one likes to spoon while falling off to sleep whereas the other prefers to lay unentwined, one likes to talk up a storm in the morning whereas the other prefers quiet time for (at least) the first hour after awakening, one likes a place for everything and everything in its place whereas the other prefers less anality (and the list goes on).
I don’t want to downplay issues of Personal Preference --- because they can be quite annoying --- but in reality Personal Preferences are not in and of themselves destructive. Admittedly, how we choose to deal with them can end up having very destructive consequences, but the Personal Preferences themselves are not destructive. Every couple is going to find that they have some differences in what they prefer --- none of us is going to find a clone. It is when we fail to regularly communicate / negotiate / compromise about our Personal Preference differences that problems arise. It is when one person insists that their way is the absolute right way that the weeds of Personal Preferences can become destructive to a relationship. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate (with LOVE). For some of us, this is a lot like weeding --- not the most pleasant of tasks, but one that nonetheless needs to be done over and over again.
Finally, there’s the 3rd type of weeds --- the ones that are truly destructive. In an earlier Love Bytes blog I mentioned Creeping Charlie, a weed that makes it virtually impossible for grass to grow. Also, this summer we had a clinging weed (one that initially looked like a plant) that ended up adhering itself to a flowering vine --- within a couple weeks, the life in the flowering vine was all but thwarted by this pernicious clinging weed. As with the Creeping Charlie, the only hope for our flowering vine was to get rid of this destructive weed.
No doubt many of us have been with a partner who has brought such destructive weeds into the relationship --- incessant gambling, a repeated pattern of poor impulse control, deep-seated hypersensitivity to complaints, a persistent inability to control one’s emotions, dogged stonewalling, habitual intoxication, frequent selfish and self-indulgent behavior, chronic anger problems, entrenched pornography use, relentless controlling behavior (and the list goes on). If you have been in a relationship with such an individual, then you know (first-hand-up-close-and-personal) the destructive effects of such weeds. [Ah, the stories we could tell…..]
Such behavior patterns brought into the relationship by a partner cannot be accepted as merely Quirky weeds. Nor can they be treated as just issues of Personal Preference. They must be seen for what they really are --- truly destructive.
And as with our yard and our garden, there is little hope for the good things growing in a relationship as long as these unhealthy, destructive weeds are allowed to thrive.
