“Given one wish, what would you most wish for? Wealth? Power? A long life? A great job? ‘Given one wish in life, most people would wish to be loved…..’” [from the 1st Love Bytes blog].
No doubt many of us are left wondering: Why is something that we desire so much so tough to achieve? Why is love such a struggle?
Let's admit the obvious --- if love was a one-person job, its success rate would be much higher than it is. After all, if it was a one-person job, then there would only be one person responsible for making it work. And if it was a one-person job and it wasn’t working, then there would only be one person to blame.
But the reality is --- it’s not a one-person job (unless you are inclined to agree with Woody Allen, who asserted several years ago that “Masturbation is sex with someone I love”).
In reality, it takes 2 to make love work --- and there’s the rub.
For example: Why do people have sex? Well, there are the reasons I have sex AND then there are the reasons my partner has sex. What if they don’t mesh? What if one person primarily has sex to satisfy their libido, while their partner is looking for love, affection, and closeness? Who’s at fault?
And what about the weeds? There are the weeds that my partner has brought into the relationship AND then there are weeds that I am contributing. What if your partner insists that you are too messy around the house, but on the other hand, the complaining person tends to be very anal? Who’s at fault?
And what about the "IT" of successful relationships --- Appreciation, Gratitude, Fondness? What if one person needs to know they are appreciated by their partner before constructive change can happen in their life, but their partner isn’t able to appreciate them until they see signs of change? And what if an essentially good and capable person simply wants to be appreciated for who they are, but their partner is a Maximizer? Who’s at fault?
Clearly this thing called love is not as easy as the fairy tales have led us to believe: “…and they fell in love and they lived happily ever after.” Oh, if it were only so easy……..
Rather, this thing called love is often akin to an optical illusion.
When you look at a Necker Cube (see insert picture), what do you see? Does the square to the right appear closer to you? Or does the square to the left appear closer?
Can you get the illusion “to flip” --- in other words, if you see the square to the right as closer to you, can you get the square to the left “to come out at you” (so that it's closer)? Or vice versa --- if the square to the left appears closer to you, can you get the square to the right to appear closer?
Good love often requires this skill.....but not with a Necker Cube.
Many of us find ourselves locked into one way of seeing our relationship. The faults of our partner loom so close (like the square to the right in the Necker Cube) that we struggle to see things in any other way.
Who’s at fault? It’s like asking, “Which square is closer?”
Do you remember last week’s Love Bytes blog [“Autobiography In Five Short Chapters”]? One of these chapters is essential to all constructive autobiographical change --- as well as all constructive relationship change. One reader last week seemed to suggest that Chapter V is the essential one, but I would like to suggest that the key chapter is III.
Can you get your relationship “to flip” for you? Can you see both points of view? Can you see your own faults looming large as well as those of your partner?
