Love Bytes

The number 1 predictor of divorce is habitual avoidance of conflict – repeatedly and consistently avoiding those issues that are most pressing on the marriage. In every marriage, 5 issues have been identified as consistent and the same regardless of marriage – sex, money, parenting, in-laws, and time (leisure/housework). These are the same five topics that all couples either argue about or avoid arguing about. Gottman has demonstrated that divorce can be predicted with 90% effectiveness based on how engaged couples handle disagreements. Couples who avoid these five issues during engagement or marriage will fail in one way or another.

There seems to be other factors that predict marital success. One of these factors seems to be openness to change. It seems that the AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS seems to be about how open people are to change. It is a great quote and I think the key cognitive factor is openness. When it comes to marriage (my own and those couples I work with professionally), I often find that it comes down to openness to input, to my wife’s influence, to change.

These behaviors that need to change - poor decisions, our sloppy behaviors, our bad habits, and our character flaws; they all require one thing : openness to change. You have mentioned gratitude and partner appreciation journaling as the IT – as the key thing that helps a marriage to flourish until death do us part. One of the things that I have noticed in my own life is that gratitude/fondness/appreciation have helped me to be more open to the influence of my wife. Openness allows that chapter 5 to eventually reach fruition!

You mentioned that "it’s just not worth it to confront us on our poor decisions, our sloppy behaviors, our bad habits, and our character flaws. [Either that or they are so busy engaging in these behaviors with us that there is little room for criticism.]"

If there is room for criticism, the ideal situation is that the partner complains, but doesn't criticize. Criticism is poison but complaints are healthy!!

You mentioned that "it’s just not worth it to confront us on our poor decisions, our sloppy behaviors, our bad habits, and our character flaws. [Either that or they are so busy engaging in these behaviors with us that there is little room for criticism.]"

If there is room for criticism, the ideal situation is that the partner complains, but doesn't criticize. Criticism is poison but complaints are healthy!!