[Let me begin this week by simply saying that I have been moved by the responses to the Love Bytes blog posts. So many of them are loaded with insights, compassion, self-reflection, and a sincere desire to make this thing called love work better. I have also enjoyed the humor that has come through --- for example, the day I read the first Brett Favre comments, I literally sat at my computer and laughed out loud. I have even enjoyed the sarcasm that has on occasion slipped in --- for example, let me just say that I have a close friend who frequently reminds me that Ph.D. stands for “piled higher and deeper.” I wish that I could respond personally to so many of your responses, but I have been way too busy the past couple of months. So let me simply say THANK YOU --- I look forward to your responses every week, I read each and every one carefully (and many of them more than once), and I appreciate the depth and sincerity with which so many of you have written your responses. Thank you.]
While I have suggested in several recent Love Bytes posts that it is very important for us men to own our crap, I realized that I have yet to explain why this is so important. There are essentially 3 reasons.
1st Reason: The second worst thing a woman can do to a man is to make him feel inadequate. [The worst thing she can do to us is to cheat on us.] Quite honestly, no woman wants to make her man feel inadequate. Let’s face it. Women do not fall in love with us because we are oozing with inadequacy --- in fact, for most women, inadequacy is a turn-off. So why then (many of us men wonder) does she insist on making me feel so crappy? If she doesn’t want me to feel so small and deficient, why does she do it to me?
When we don’t own our crap --- when we engage in behaviors that clearly undermine the closeness between us, when we do things that fail to support the relationship, when we don’t take her concerns seriously, when we repeatedly let her down in the relationship --- it will often seem to her that the only way she can get us to respond is if she uses more force. Now most of us men know what “more force” often entails --- blaming, criticizing, accusing, berating, reprimanding, scolding….. It is difficult to experience such behavior without: (a) feeling inadequate, (b) attacking her in return (which is not something most of us want to do with the woman we love), or (c) stonewalling (tongue lashings have a tough time penetrating a wall).
2nd Reason: Men are NOT the only ones with crap. Women have lots of crap as well. But in general, women are less inclined to hear about their crap unless they first know that we are owning ours.
Let me explain. Women tend to be far more detail-oriented than do we men. As a result, they often end up noticing a lot more things about us (and our crap) than we do about them (and their crap). In fact, the crap about them that we are apt to notice (and bring up) is typically not as “petty” as some of the things that they will notice about us. [Remember: they are more detail-oriented than we are.] In fact, unless we men are simply bringing up some issue about her in retaliation for a perceived attack on her part, we will typically not bring something up unless it is a fairly big issue. And if we really want her to hear what it is that we have to say, it is important that we own our crap first.
Case in point. When our oldest son was about 5 or 6, I noticed that my wife was being a little too bossy / dictatorial / domineering / overbearing with him. This was one of those things that I knew I had to bring to her attention. So I looked for a good time. [As most of you know, there is no “good time” for such a discussion!] I thought I found one --- a pleasant evening at a beautiful restaurant, bottle of wine, nice meal, candles lit on the table --- and so I brought it up. It did not go real well --- let’s just say that I had some hopes for the end of that evening - they weren’t realized……. But it turned out to be an extremely valuable discussion that led to some wonderful parenting changes (for both of us). But I doubt that this would have ever happened if my wife had not grown accustomed to me owning my crap.
3rd Reason: Humble men are the very best men on the face of the earth.
As many of us know, humility is not typically a strong point for most of us men. And unfortunately, when we do see a humble man, it is too often simply weakness in disguise.
But weakness is not humility, and humility is not weakness.
There is nothing weak about being able to step up to the plate and own our crap --- to be able to admit to our failings, to let her know that we are sorry for what we have done (or failed to do), and that we are willing to begin the process of change.
What better place to engage the reality of humility than with the woman who loves us and cares about us more than anyone else on the face of the earth (even if that love and care comes out sideways sometimes).
