Have you ever noticed the threads that hold garments together? Once in a while we might --- when a rip appears along the seam of a shirt OR when a long piece of string trails from a pair of pants. But what about in the morning, when getting dressed for the day --- do you ever look through the clothes hanging there in your wardrobe, taking note of the threads that hold your clothes together? Probably not.
This is what I experienced as I was doing the background research for the book “How To Love Your Wife.” As I read hundreds of articles and books on marital success and marital dissolution, I was like the person looking through their wardrobe at the start of the day. I was focusing on the big picture --- the concrete body of information discussed in each of the works I read.
Whether the topic was how to resolve conflict in your marriage OR how to communicate for greater marital satisfaction OR how to avoid the pernicious effects of criticism on marital love, my focus was the same. What does this body of information tell us about how to love the person to whom you’ve said “I do?”
But slowly my focus began to shift. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but gradually I began to notice a thread, a theme, running through the many research findings and the numerous pieces of advice offered by the marriage pundits.
Maybe it first happened early one morning when I was reading John Gottman’s insightful exposition of the keys to a successful marriage (“Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”). Or maybe the initial realization occurred late one evening as I studied Karen Kayser’s careful analysis of marital disaffection (“When Love Dies”). Regardless, my focus slowly shifted to a theme (a thread) that wove through the numerous admonitions and countless suggestions provided by hundreds of marriage experts.
I began to wonder why I had not noticed it before. Over and over again, there it was. When couples have it, love flourishes. Then couples nurture it, their relationship is an ongoing, life-giving event. But when this thing begins to wane, so too does the love that enables the relationship to thrive. When this thing is lacking, so too is the vigor which the couple once derived from their life together.
And the more I looked at this thread, the more obvious it became. [It was almost like that long string hanging out from underneath the bride’s beautiful wedding gown as she walks slowly down the aisle. You try to focus on her veil, her gown, her smile (and of course, Pachelbel’s Canon in D), but your attention keeps going back to that thread.]
Over and over again, it became obvious that couples with it are happy together; couples without it find themselves wrestling with a growing disaffection. Couples who continue to develop it don’t ever consider splitting; couples who let it slip have stepped out onto the slippery slope of failing love.
What is this thing that is so essential to thriving, life-giving marriages (or to any flourishing love relationship, for that matter]?
MORE IN NEXT WEEK’s LOVE BYTES BLOG……..
