Love Bytes

Great assignment. And expressing appreciation and gratitude aloud, in front of others, increases the benefit in a big way. Also.. it lets other people know that you and your partner have "IT" which might remind them of the importance of IT in their own lives. (or, I suppose, the lack of IT) So it's a gift to everyone, not only to those who already have it/IT. Those who don't might be inspired to find IT again!

Gratitude! Interesting.... I would like some empirical explanations to explain and expound on what you mean. It would be interesting if you could expound on some of the research that led you to this conclusion. Certainly, your cognitive distinction on the two groups of people (writing how she disappointed you VS what I appreciate) would result in two distinct attitudes and lends itself to a great exercise.

This reminds me a lot of positive psychology which has been helpful in broadening out some things in clinical and counseling psychology. For a long time, psychology has been about decreasing problems or decreasing hurt. Positive psychology research over the last 10 years has focused on what is good and right about people rather than what is wrong (and curing that problem). It focuses on resilience, optimism, gratitude. In studies on gratitude, individuals who name 3 things (characteristics, blessings, whatever) they are grateful for are happier 30 days later than a control group. I actually prescribe these types of exercises to suppliment the work of helping people with problems - it is some of the best anti-anxiety medicine, or depression lifter. AA promotes gratitude as a way to sobriety -- step 10 identifies a genuine gratitude for blessings received. In a recent book for Iraq/Afgan vets (Courage After Fire), a helpful focus on restoring family roles and relationships after fighting in a war includes gratitude. There are many areas of helping people where appreciation and fondness is the best medicine.

It sounds like you found a hidden research gem. It also sounds like a basic element of living life well is not complicated. Gratitude is not something that requires above average intelligence, nor does it require years of therapy. It does matter how successful or bad of a background one came from. But, I would say this - it is a skill that takes a lot of practice. Partner appreciation journaling is a great exercise at night. But, getting it into the moments following or during conflict, getting it into negative shared moments, getting into stress levels, etc. There is an intentionality about the thinking process.

Great blog!

I think it's a great exercise as well...but, you're right! I'm sitting here wondering--what do you do with all the weeds if you focus on the good things?? I realize this may sound funny-who wouldn't want to focus on the good things in their relationship- but, after being in some hard relationships, there is that fear of ending up in one that will hurt just the same. To avoid this--I've assumed that asking the hard questions, having those dreaded conversations and addressing the "Weeds" is the best way to avoid ending up in an unhappy relationship. Because of this approach, however, I've been accused of not being able to sit back and enjoy the man I have in front of me. I am reminded of how I tend to analyze each hurdle, each hard night, and use it as fuel that maybe we aren't "right" for eachother.

I will own my shit and say I need to calm down a little bit :) But, where is the balance between asking the hard questions and focusing on the good? I realize Buri is not suggesting to avoid the weeds, so when is the appropriate time to acknowledge them? I don't want to be one of THOSE girls, who are either too weak to voice her thoughts or too scared to admit there are issues. So I err on the side of bringing it up whenever (hasn't proven to go over too well at times!).

when my husband showed his addiction to porn and lied continuously about it I realized I was not the woman for him....he destoyed my self esteem and belief that I was good enough for him....I have never felt the same toward him after countless sessions with a therapist AND sex therapist throughout our marriage....he literally destroyed the love I ever had for him....now we are roommates and only for the sake of our children do we pretend to be married.....it was and is total devastation for me what he did in our marriage...i am so sorry i married him

Talk about hitting a nail on the head! I'm very happily married -- my husband and I were taught the very things this article describes by a marriage counselor, and as long as both people are willing to work on a relationship using this method, and also to "own their own crap" and work to change the issues they have that harm the relationship while appreciating their partner and treating them with respect, THIS WORKS MIRACLES!