Couples with IT are happy together; couples without IT find themselves wrestling with a growing disaffection. Couples who continue to develop IT don't ever consider splitting; couples who let IT slip have stepped out onto the slippery slope of failing love.
This past weekend my wife and I had the joy of celebrating with a young couple and their families at a wedding. (This is the 3rd of 7 weddings in which we have the opportunity to celebrate during this summer season.) The newly-married couple has IT. In fact, most couples do on their wedding day --- for me, it is one of the things that make weddings so enjoyable.
What is IT?
Appreciation. Gratitude. Fondness.
Personally, I was a little surprised when this first jumped out at me. But the more I studied the marriage and relationship literature, and the more I reflected on my own marriage as well as the relationships of the many couples I have worked with, the more obvious it became.
Think about what happens in a relationship when you hold the other person in esteem / when you appreciate who they are and what they mean to you / when you are grateful that they are a part of your life / when you are fond of them? Wow!
As the couple this past weekend at the wedding said: "This is the person I GET TO BE WITH for the rest of my life!"
We had spent several Love Bytes blog posts discussing the analogy of weeding a garden. You may have noticed --- when you put too much emphasis on the weeds, you almost always end up missing the point of a garden - all the good plants, flowers, and shrubs that are growing.
Right about now I suspect some people are thinking: "But what about all those weeds? What about all the ‘crap' that he (or maybe she) has to take care of? We have a whole bunch of weeding to do before much fondness is going to be able to grow again."
Looking for the weeds makes it very difficult to see the plants and flowers!
[And besides, it is much more difficult to "own our crap" when we are no longer appreciated.]
I have a little assignment for you.
[If this was an actual class, I would have the power of a grade for the course that I could wield as a club, but it isn't. So obviously, your participation is optional.]
Imagine that we instructed the readers of the Love Bytes blog to spend 10 - 15 minutes journaling every night for the next several weeks. So before going to bed, each individual would sit and write about their day, giving special attention to their thoughts about their partner.
Further imagine that for half of the readers, we would have them only write about the things from their day that had not turned out as they might have liked --- events that were disappointing / discouraging / frustrating / upsetting --- giving special attention to their interactions with their partner.
[One night as I was suggesting this journaling assignment to a group of married couples, I heard a man from the back of the room blurt out: "10 - 15 minutes would not be enough time." I suspect that he and his wife had a very difficult ride home that night.]
For the other half, we would instruct them to write each night about those things from their day that were positive --- events that were pleasant / encouraging / enjoyable / pleasing --- giving special attention to their interactions with their partner.
So here's the re-cap. Regardless of whether your accustomed pattern of thought is one of criticism or one of appreciation, you would agree to participate in the journaling group to which you were assigned. Each night you would either write only about the ways in which your partner has let you down / disappointed you / frustrated you OR ELSE you would write only about those things concerning your partner for which you are grateful / that you appreciate / that have increased your fondness for him or her.
You can imagine what happens when this is actually done. Those in the 1st group develop a growing discontent with their partner (even if they were quite fond of them at the outset of the journaling assignment), whereas those in the 2nd group experience a growing appreciation for their partner (even if they were quite frustrated with them at the outset).
Now, I suspect you realize that I don't actually want anyone to participate in the 1st group; but rather, the assignment is to participate in the 2nd group.
Do some "Partner Appreciation Journaling" each night before going to bed.
I realize that some people have very little (if any) journaling experience. Furthermore, being consistently positive / fond / grateful / appreciative is going to be quite difficult for some individuals. But regardless, take a crack at it and see what happens.
