In last week’s Love Bytes blog [What Is Crap Anyway? (Part 1)], we began to talk about what sorts of things constitute crap --- after all, if we men are going to own ours, then we are going to have to understand what it is.
[By the way, I suspect that many readers have figured out by now that I am in no way suggesting that women do not have any crap to own….. but more on that in later blogs.]
The weeds analogy is a good one. Weeds choke off life. Often unnoticed at first, weeds slowly (and typically insidiously) stifle the growth of healthy plants, shrubs, grass and flowers.
I enjoy being around people who are in love. [Please read here, people who are “in love,” not people who have just “fallen in love” --- people who have fallen in love and are in the throes of infatuation are typically so out of touch with reality that I tend to keep my distance. You know the person: her new boyfriend has in one evening flipped off a passing driver, gotten extremely upset with the waiter, and then thrown his money at the parking lot attendant, and when you try to point out to her the fact that he might have some anger problems, her response is: “Well, he’s never that way with me. He’s sweet, and he cares about me. Our love will see us through.”]
But I digress…… Back to the point. I enjoy being around people who are in love --- love brings life. Isn’t that what happened when we first began to love our partner? It was very life-giving. And so we entrusted ourselves to that person even more, and we experienced even more life.
Weeds choke off life. Those things that stifle the growth of love in our relationships are (usually) weeds. They are the crap we need to own.
But unfortunately, oftentimes we are not able to recognize the weeds --- but our partner can. [Do you remember the Love Bytes blog of April 7th: Do You Have A Tail?]. Our partner can be a rich source of feedback as we are developing that ability to differentiate the weeds from the plants.
But let me quickly add: simply because a partner has suggested that something in a weed doesn’t necessarily make it so.
For example, suppose that a wife is VERY attentive to cleanliness. She boils over if anything is left out on the kitchen counter, she spits and spews when there are shoes left by the front door, and she throws a hissy-fit if anyone leaves their stuff laying around in the living room.
Now, it might be the case that the people who are leaving crumbs, shoes, and stuff laying around have crap that they need to own. But it might also be the case that the greater instance of crap that needs to be owned is the overly-anal approach to house-keeping.
[I know a man who one day asked his wife: “Dear, do you want your children to remember their mother as this person who was so worried about everything being neat and orderly that they weren’t able to relax and simply enjoy their home? Or do you want them to remember you as someone who allowed love and life to happen, even if it sometimes left a mess?"]
So how can we tell who has the crap to own?
I have a suggestion. Talk! Every week, find the time to talk with your partner.
If you are anything like me, you will probably have to put it in the schedule or else it won’t happen. If you are anything like me, you will probably have to get out of the house before you can focus exclusively on the topic at hand --- I am a puttzer, and if I am at home there is always something to take my attention away from what Kathy and I need to talk about (for example, stuff to be fixed, a ballgame to be watched, an article to be read).
Some weeds seem to remain pretty much in one place and their damage is somewhat limited, but other weeds spread rapidly, stifling the growth of nearly everything healthy that is in their path. An example of the latter is Creeping Charlie. We have Creeping Charlie in some parts of our yard --- it spreads like crazy and it makes it very difficult to grow anything healthy.
Not finding a regular (preferably weekly) time to talk with your partner is the Creeping Charlie of love. It will be very difficult to grow anything that resembles life-giving love if this Creeping Charlie is thriving in your relationship. When we no longer find the time / take the time to talk with our partner about our life together, the love we have experienced will slowly and insidiously be choked off.
I have found the antidote to Creeping Charlie in our yard --- it is a product called Weed Free Zone. And I have found the antidote to Creeping Charlie in my marriage --- it is called Our Weekly Time To Talk.
