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2Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: Jung's Typology, Eudaemonology, and the Elusive Art of Happinessby Stephen A. Diamond, Ph.D.
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owning crap
I agree with the article. But the "run for the hills" part is something that nice guys have a hard time doing -- being tolerant is part of being nice. Maybe, that is why a lot of the nicer guys I know end up with women who are as you describe -- and find themselves in too deep (children, commitments, etc.) to "run for the hills" until it is much harder to do.
Maybe "love is lovlier the second time around" because you know what the danger signs are and at least have no excuse for ignoring them.
It actually isn't
If you are talking about love in a dating relationship (like college students), we may be referring to the maturation and the learning that takes place from relationship break ups and learning about one's own standards and preferences.
If you are talking about love in a marriage, it tends not to be better for most people. Marriages divorces at a higher rate for second marriages.
Love isn't lovlier the second time!
I am in my second marriage and it isn't what I thought it would be. I learned too late that marriage isn't better the second time around. I took the risk and it was less a courageous risk and more a mistake. My current marriage is stuck but so was my first. I live with regret.
Confused
I'm sorry, I don't quite understand your post. It seems disjointed to me. The points I do understand are
1. It's important for people to take responsibility for their own actions and faults.
2. During Guys Night Out, the unanimous advice was to end a relationship if that person strictly, consistently, and unfairly holds you accountable to many things but never admits blame for herself.
3. Your nephew Joe is a nice guy.
4. Young women typically choose to date jerks, for various reasons that seem inexplicable to some.
5. A large majority of couples with marital problems eventually work out their problems and enjoy a satisfying marriage five years later.
Now, the points I don't understand:
Are you equating men who own up with nice guys? Was your discussion about Joe just a point that he's a nice guy and he ended up with a woman who appreciated that? Is your 86% statistic an expression of the opinion that people must be "nicer" to make their marriages work? I guess I don't understand how everything is related here, and what you're trying to say. Do you mind clarifying?
Response to your inquiry
I can't speak on behalf of the writer but I can give you my opinion on your questions. First, the writer flows between points emphasizing the larger messages of the blog.
specifically, men who own up are NOT the same as nice guys. But, a good guy is going to own up. Apparently, this is one of the keys to a good marriage. The point on Joe is that he is a nice guy; some of the crap that women have is that they don't seek nice guys. It may be a good idea if they did. The 86% stat is based on a study that another blogger mentioned last week; 86% of marriages that work it out rather than seperate or divorce are more satisfied 5 years later.
A strong willed woman will
A strong willed woman will get bored with a nice guy who tends to agree with her most
of the time. She'll think he has no back bone and thats a major TURN OFF!!
We prefer a manly man who take charge on things, like impenetrable wall to our home,
It is natural for a woman to look for a man like that because his attitude towards facing
responsibilties is vital for the survival of the family. Unless- she's a control freak that
manipulating people is part of her amusement. Yes! she'll go for the spineless man.
And for dating a jerk. Its either the girl is stupid for her willingness to be a doormat
(Come on now girls! who's in the
right state of mind who wants to be mistreated?--NObody, EXACTLY!! unless you're a masochist!)
or the guy is such a psychopath who doesn't give a damn about other people's feelings.
If that's the case, Get the hell out as fast as you can!
Either way nobody wants to be mistreated. We should be
well aware of what we accept in life and should be strong enough not to tolerate
misbehavior especially if its something that can be avoided
because all of us atleast have an idea of the consequences of our actions.
Lastly, dealing with a man because you feel like you are being challenge
is totally not worth it. Girls don't be in denial now, you just wanna boost your
ego for fantasizing that you can manipulate your man to make him do
whatever you want and even if you succeed you'll get bored eventually or if not,
you'll get tired of it and finally give up with your badly wounded pride/ego and wasted time.
The bottomline is, Relationship is not all about the challenge. It requires large amount of time and effort.
Both should be willing to compromise in order to set aside each other's differences and to act synergistically to strengthen the bond between couple.
lastly, it's all about what makes the other person's happy and vice versa. if you found
yourself in this type relationship, CONGRATULATIONS!! You're in a REAL ONE!!!
Distinction needed
At the end of your points, you say it's all about what makes the other person happy and vice versa. As long as you aren't say each partner is responsible for making the other person happy. We need to be responsible for our own happiness.
We need to be responsible for our own happiness.
-- I Totally agree with you on that one! but my point about in this sentence "it's all about what makes the other person happy and vice versa." is when you are involve in a real relationship. ofcourse, it is still very important not to lose our personality/individuality in the process while establishing our commitment to our partner. It is given to keep what makes us happy as an Individual including our privacy. =)
Thanks Leslie
Thanks Leslie. That makes a lot of sense. Lots of people do lose their individuality in their relationship. I think partners can encourage the promotion of the other's individuality.
You're very welcome!
Indeed! Lots of people do lose their individuality in their relationship usually through over bending and over compromising. I am very familiar with this, i am actually one of those people who almost lose their individuality while in a relationship. This happened with my 6 years relationship with my ex-boyfriend. he was 9 years older than me, matured, very strong personality ( an attitude type that wouldn't give a damn about the world and wouldn't bend no matter what) in other words, a heart of stone. I wouldn't blame him completely thou' because of his insensitivity. I think this happened mainly due to my lack of confidence, low self-esteem, insecurities, identity crisis, neglected self-worth or i just fell head over heels at that time. He was the love of my life and i built my world around him. My love for him was so strong that became so imbalance and unhealthy then eventually became toxic for both of us. All along i was fully aware what was going on and i knew very well that it wasn't me-- i am slowly losing myself. One night i just had this urge that i gotta do something to save myself from losing it. That night, we didn't even have to start a fight because we felt it in the atmosphere that were no longer happy being in that relationship. It felt like although we were just an inch away from each other, we were like miles apart in the inside. That night I also realized that i love myself more and i want it back-- And im so glad i did! So i decided to break up with him. After going through the bone crashing pain, sleepless nights, drained tears, now, yes! i am much happier and more productive. of course i still get lonely sometimes but i always tell myself when i get lonely that at least now its just episodes compared to being with that someone but everyday miserable. The pain is still there , i cant deny it but hey WELCOME BACK ME -Improved and alot stronger.
Good Stuff
Good stuff. Owning your crap only opens doors for communication, insight into behaviors, and opportunity to grow with others. It might not always be pretty, but the honesty can only lead to what is true. This truth is what everyone desires...it's life giving. Truth and honesty we can work with and if not than we move in different direction. Thank you for the insight Dr. Buri.
Owning and Communicating CRAP
I want to highlight a key point - Good marriage requires not only owning your crap but also communicating that crap.
Crap?
We still need more examples of CRAP! This was brought up in our discussion from last week. There was a lady who shared about her husband with addictive problems for years and now their marriage is a lot better but they continue to work on some things. I guess I am not sure what crap is.
What is crap?
It sounds like a good number of people would like some more information on identifying crap in marriages/relationships. Actually, I would like to have a little clarification too - male crap and female crap.
Hi!
An sich n cooler post, aber kannst beim nächsten mal n bisschen detailierter sein?
Die book of ra cheats tricks
Da fragt man sich beim groben Durchlesen schon, ob man nicht komplett auf den Kopf gefallen ist. Dankeschon fur Ihre Einsichten
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