When my sons and I were out a couple weeks ago with my son-in-law-to-be ("Guys Night Out"), as we were talking about some of the details surrounding men owning their crap, one of my sons (who is not married) asked: "What if you are dating a woman who takes advantage of it when you admit your shortcomings?" [I suspect this son was talking out of a recent dating experience.] "What if you are dating a woman who uses that information against you once you have owned it? A woman who might bring up your shortcomings in the middle of future discussions? A woman who willingly points out your crap (and even sometimes dwells on it), but who is very shortsighted about her own?"

The chorus of responses around the table was unanimous (and delightful): "If you are dating a woman like that, cut bait!" To a person, each man at the table made it clear: "If you end up in a relationship with a woman who consistently uses your attempts to own your crap against you, and then doesn't see her own, get out of the relationship. Find someone who is able to be an equal shit-owner." [One son even added: "The benefits are never good enough to justify staying with someone like that."]

I have a nephew (let's call him Joe) who is getting married this summer. Joe lived with us last year while he completed his student teaching here in the Twin Cities. [Let me say from the outset that Joe is a really nice guy.]

I was talking with Joe's fiancée recently at a wedding, and we started talking about men owning their crap. She was quick to point out that she just didn't think that Joe had a whole lot of crap. And she stated that what he does have, he seems to be more than willing to own. [Having lived with Joe for close to 6 months, I think she's right. He really is a genuinely nice guy.]

About 10 years ago, one day in class a young man blurted out the following: "You know, women keep saying that what they are looking for is a nice guy. But then they turn around and date the jerks, only to complain in the next breath that there just aren't any nice guys out there anymore and that all men are jerks."

I thought for sure I was going to have a small riot on my hands from the women in the class. There wasn't. In fact, well over half the women in the class agreed. [I have since been having a similar discussion in class every semester, and each time a majority of the woman end up agreeing that they typically choose to date jerks.]

Why?!

These are the sorts of comments that woman offer every semester:
- Nice guys are just too considerate
- There's not enough of a challenge with nice guys
- Nice guys are too courteous and kind
- There's not enough about nice guys that needs changing
- Nice guys care about you and want to be with you
- There's not enough drama with nice guys
- Nice guys treat you too nicely

I always walk away from these discussions scratching my head. Am I really hearing this correctly? A lot of women don't want to date a guy because he treats you too well? Because he's too considerate? Because he cares about you?

And then we wonder why there is so much scar tissue on the heart.......

Last week I mentioned a study that was published a few years ago, a study in which all of the participants were married couples who stated that they were in an unhappy marriage. Several of these couples decided to stay together and put in some serious time and effort to try to re-capture the love of their early years together. Of those who decided to stay and work on their marriage, within five years 86% of them now stated that they were in a happy and satisfying marriage!

86%!

Owning our crap is a big part of having a happy marriage.