We have a wedding coming up --- our only daughter will be married on July 4th. So last week my sons (5 of them) and I went with my new son-in-law (Adam) for a tux fitting and then out for dinner and a few beers. [We do this periodically throughout the year (all except for the tux fitting) --- what we affectionately refer to as “Guys Night Out.”]
During the course of the evening we talked about lots of things, for example: (a) how are the Minnesota Twins doing (or not doing, especially on the road)? (b) should the Minnesota Vikings sign Brett Farve? (c) how did the University of St. Thomas baseball team pull off their recent D-III national championship? and (d) who will the Minnesota Timberwolves hire as their new coach? Needless to say, these topics alone provided enough fodder for a full night of discussion.
But eventually the conversation (which it always does) got around to more substantive matters. On this particular evening, we ended up talking about the advice we would give to a man who is about to be married.
The advice offered was based upon some years of experience: I have been married for several years now and then three of my sons are married --- one for 6 years, one for 4 years, and one for 2 years
While the exact nuggets of advice varied somewhat, this is essentially what came out of the discussion: “MEN: OWN YOUR SHIT.” If you want a successful marriage, own your crap!
Now, most of us men know that we have some crap in our lives (and admittedly, some of us have more of it than others). We are, of course, hoping that the woman who loves us won’t notice. But in the end, this does not even vaguely resemble the reality of things. She notices! And not only does she notice, but she is typically also ready to help us notice. This is when things get interesting.
Are we willing to own our shit?
My wife came to my Psychology of Marriage and Family class once. We were at lunch and on a whim, I said: “Dear, why don’t you come to class with me this afternoon. I’m sure everyone would love to meet you.” To my surprise, she said yes.
Do you remember in kindergarten --- when you’d bring in your favorite teddy bear to class for show-and-tell? Well, that’s not exactly how things went down in class that day. My wife ended up talking for over an hour about marriage, and at one point she looked over at me and said, “Do you realize that there was a time in our marriage when I couldn’t stand this guy?” People were shocked [after all, I’m the marriage and family professor, right?] and everyone’s eyes quickly darted to me to see what I was going to do. All I could say was: “Well, quite honestly, there were some pretty good reasons why Kathy couldn’t stand me at that point in our life together.”
We are inclined to think that there are good marriages and there are bad marriages, and if you are in a bad marriage, well, there just isn’t much hope.
An eye-opening study was reported a few years ago. The participants in the study were couples who reported that they had ended up in a bad marriage. Some of these couples decided to cut bait and to move on. But several of these couples decided to stay in the marriage and put in some serious effort to try to resurrect the love of their wedding day. Of those who decided to work on their marriage, what percentage reported five years later that they now had a happy marriage?
[Come up with your best guess, and then check out the answer in next week’s Love Bytes blog.]
In the meantime, let me simply say that when a MAN OWNS HIS SHIT, it can do a lot to breathe life into a marriage (even one that appears to be on life support). I am living proof.
