In the Love Bytes blogs of the past two weeks [18 Reasons People Have Sex], we have been looking at some of the reasons why we have sex.
I suspect there have been some readers who have lamented: “Why do we have to make everything (including sex) so complicated --- sex is sex! Why can’t we just relax and enjoy it?”
I have to admit that I can relate. When I first started doing this sex thing (experiencing it, that is, not writing about it), I assumed that what was happening for me was exactly the same thing that was happening for my partner. It never occurred to me that Kathy might be experiencing something quite different from what I was experiencing. [I know, I was naïve, wasn’t I?!] It was only in the wake of our discussions about sex that I began to get an inkling that maybe we were experiencing something very different as we were participating in the same activity.
So while I might personally at times prefer that sex was a very simple and straightforward activity, the reality of the matter is that it often is not. And as Albert Einstein once stated: “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.”
Last year a female student in class (let’s call her Lexi) was talking over the course of the semester about how she wanted to be there sexually for her partner, how she wanted to give herself “as a gift” to him, and how she wanted sex to be a way in which the two of them would become more unified in their relationship. He, on the other hand, seemed to be far more interested in sex for sex’s sake. (Obviously, I did not have a chance to talk with him about his personal motivations for sex, but based upon Lexi’s descriptions it sounded like there was a lot more sexual activity going on than there was warmth, closeness, and unity.) Toward the end of the semester, Lexi asked one day in class: “How often should you take one for the team?” Lexi and her boyfriend broke up a short time after that. Lexi’s trust in men was weakened by the experience, but far worse, her confidence in herself was undermined. But she is a very bright young woman and I suspect that, with time, she will recover, and in the end, it is my hope that she will be much wiser for the experience.
If two people are both after the same thing in an experience of sex (for example, both are interested in the Pleasure OR both are interested in Sexual Release OR both are interested in expressing Love, Affection, Closeness), then there is far less chance of confusion, disappointment, regret, hurt, and “heart scarring.” But I suspect that each of us knows lots of situations with lots of people for whom this has not been the case.
Kerri was a student of mine whose father had left the family when she was in her early teens. She badly wanted to experience the love of a man. [Whether this desire on Kerri’s part was related to her absent father or not, I can’t say for sure, but I can say that such a thing is not uncommon.] During Kerri’s sophomore year in college, she started hanging out with a guy on campus. The more time they spent together, the more convinced she was that he really did love her. [Let me add here that I met him a couple times and I was not nearly as convinced as Kerri was.] To make a long story short, after a couple months of hanging out together, they ended up having sex. Kerri got pregnant. He split. Kerri was devastated. It is going to take a very long time for this new wound to heal, and I suspect that it’s going to leave an even thicker layer of scar tissue.
Lots of cultural commentators have remarked that we Americans are not a terribly reflective lot --- we are far more inclined to simply experience life than to reflect upon it. And there is probably no area where this is more true than sex. This is an area where many Americans seem to ascribe to the Nike solution: “Just Do It.” Is it any wonder that so many people have been left dazed and wounded by their sexual experiences?
A young man came in to see me recently, certain that he had met the love of his life. She was a student he had hung out with in several of his classes, and during the previous weekend they had hooked up. It was better than anything he had ever before experienced and he was certain that this (finally) was true love. As it turns out, she was simply using him to get even with her boyfriend who had cheated on her. He was shattered --- to say that he was bitter about women would be a significant understatement!
One day in class a young woman began to talk about her relationship with her boyfriend (who was a Division I football player here in the Twin Cities). She commented that no one really understands how much pressure Division I athletes are under, how busy they are, how much stress is put on them, and how little time they have for themselves. She commented that about the only time her boyfriend ever seemed to get relief from everything he was going through was when they had sex. Since she really did love him and wanted to be there for him, they had a very active and varied sex life. Later in the course, when we began to discuss the nature of sexual addictions, she had a moment of profound insight. I could visibly see the lights go on for this young woman. Before the course was over, she had decided to move out and to get her own place.
It would be one thing if these sometimes conflicting motivations for sex only had their sway during our years of singlehood --- that somehow, with the marriage ceremony there was a refinement of our sexual motives, so that only those motivations for sex that would serve to strengthen our devotion to the marriage vows remained. But as nearly all of us who have experienced married life know, this does not even vaguely resemble reality.
In next week’s Love Bytes blog, we will take a look at some of the unique challenges for those of us experiencing married sex.
