Cheating on your spouse. In last's week post [Why Marriages Fail (Part 1)], I had suggested that one of the primary reasons marriages struggle is PEOPLE BEHAVING BADLY, and I offered infidelity as one such example. The discussion following that post was quite enjoyable --- and worth some responses.
Is cheating a symptom of a bad marriage? Or is it the cause of a bad marriage? Sounds like the chicken and the egg, right? Let me say from the outset that regardless of whether infidelity is an indication that a marriage is struggling or whether it is the cause of a struggling marriage, cheating on your spouse is just not a very good way to make your marriage work better.
[Even if you have agreed on a swinger marriage (in an effort to keep the excitement alive), the odds of a successful (stable and satisfying) marriage are not leaning in your direction. Check out the success rates of the couples who espoused Nena and George O'Neill's ground-breaking book ("Open Marriage") back in the 1970s. Every indication is that while a lot of scoring took place, the marriage won / loss percentage was close to .000.]
As it turns out, infidelity is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Instead, instances of infidelity seem to fall into one of four categories, and how we respond to the chicken / egg question depends upon which category of infidelity we are talking about.
First, there are the "Philandering Affairs." These are instances of repeated sexual encounters with a variety of individuals. For male philanderers, these sexual encounters are primarily motivated by sex (and the relief it provides) and ego (proving one's manhood). [Such men have yet to realize that what makes a man has more to do with what is between his ears than what is between his legs]. For female philanderers, even though sex is the medium, power is the purpose. Female philanderers have been called "spider women" --- recall what female spiders do with their mates once they are done with them. [If a female philanderer ever comes on to you, run the other direction --- don't walk, RUN --- she is only after destruction.] I suspect that we would all agree that Philandering Affairs say more about the individuals involved than they do about their marriages.
Secondly, there is the category of "Mistress Infidelities." These are affairs in which a married individual (more often a husband) maintains a long-term relationship with someone other than their spouse. While we like to think that such a thing could not happen in a satisfying marriage, evidence suggests that this is not the case. Think about it: why would someone keep the marriage going if it wasn't providing some degree of satisfaction? I use an example in one of my classes of a man who says his wife of 17 years is perfect in every way except one --- she has informed him that a woman over 40 no longer needs to have sex with her husband. This man is not interested in a divorce from the woman he loves and appreciates in his life, so he has initiated a discrete long-term affair with a professional acquaintance.
The third category of infidelity has been referred to by one expert (Dr. Frank Pittman) as the "Accidental Affairs." Such instances of adultery are typically uncharacteristic of the cheating spouse --- he has a little too much to drink, he gets caught up in the moment, and it "just happens." [I want to be quick to point out here, though, that some people are more accident prone than others --- for example, those who travel a lot, who frequently go out without their spouse, and who hang around with people who find affairs acceptable). Although recent research has suggested that Accidental Affairs are on the rise among women, they still tend to be far more common among men. Furthermore (and I suspect we don't want to hear this), Accidental Affairs are equally apt to happen in good marriages as in struggling marriages.
Fourth, there are what I call the "In The Name Of Love Affairs." These consist of falling in love with someone that is not your spouse. Approximately 70% of women who cheat on their husbands fall into this category. The scenario typically goes something like this: husband has not quite been all he was cracked up to be / another man gives attention and shows interest / even more faults in the inadequate husband become noticeable / wife starts looking for opportunities to run into, talk with, and maybe even spend time with other man / even further picking apart of husband and struggling marriage occurs / etc. [An aside: a key moment in this type of affair is when the cheating spouse begins to ruminate on what it would be like to be with this other individual rather than their spouse.] Chicken? Or egg? "In The Name Of Love Affairs" are probably a little harder to clearly sort out one way or the other, but one thing for sure --- cheating on your spouse is not going to be a good solution.
One further point from last week's blog discussion. There is growing evidence that some males may be neurologically prone to infidelity. I was especially intrigued by the vassopressin research that hit the news last fall. Vassopressin is a hormone released by the posterior pituitary gland in the brain. Apparently some men (approximately 40%) have more vassopressin receptors than do others, and the new research has suggested that such men are at a greater risk for non-monogamous sexual behavior. [It is interesting to note that in the wake of this news, many women were requesting an early-screening device to determine the number of male vassopressin receptors.]
And while we are on the topic of inclinations toward infidelity, it is important to note that some family-of-origin issues may also manifest themselves later in adulterous behavior patterns. For example, women who have emerged from their family of origin with significant unmet needs for affection are more inclined to interpret the sexual interest of a man (even one who is not her husband) as an indication of love.
Is it possible that some men (and women) are going to find it more difficult to be monogamous? That should be a given.
In fact, it would be wise for each of us to figure out just how prone we are to sexual indiscretions --- not so that we can make a better case for capitulating should an opportunity present itself, but rather, so that we can exercise the necessary precautions consonant with our inclinations.
