Think of the last wedding you were at --- the love, the joy, the celebration. I don't know about you, but I love weddings. They exude such a sense of well-being and they are so often filled with a sense of hope.
But what happens to so many marriages after the wedding day? If we look at the divorce rate (holding steady at around 50%) and then we also take a look at the intact marriages in which the couples are reportedly happy (somewhere in the neighborhood of 35-40%), it is not difficult to see that most marriages don't end up as joyful and hopeful as they were on the wedding day.
I know that for many people this sort of information is a source of discouragement and a reason to keep marriage at arm's length. I view it a little differently. Imagine that there is an excursion / an adventure / a journey just waiting for you --- one that has been found to be filled with all sorts of positive things. Did you know that married couples live longer and healthier lives, they experience more frequent and more satisfying sex, they are better off financially, and they have greater overall life satisfaction?
[My children have told me that over the years as I have brought home flowers and a card for my wife, the most frequent thing I have written is about what a wonderful traveling companion she is on the journey of life.]
And also imagine that as you start out on this journey, you are told that this may not be an easy trip, that there may be some pitfalls and some bumps in the road along the way? Would you still set out on the adventure? I would. But I would also want to know what the potential pitfalls are --- knowledge is power. In fact, even if I had already embarked on this journey, I would want to know what those potential pitfalls are.
What I want to do over the next few blogs is to look at why marriages struggle. You may be surprised to find out that there are a limited number of reasons why marriages fail. Admittedly, every marriage is unique (because every marriage is made up of unique individuals), but in the end, there are only a handful of reasons why so many marriages come up short when it comes to matching the hope of the wedding day.
Reason #1: Let's call it: PEOPLE BEHAVING BADLY.
There are certain bad behaviors that simply don't lend themselves to a happy marriage. I know, I can hear it already; "Who's to say what a BAD behavior is?" Isn't it interesting that the people who argue this point most strongly are often those who are most resistant to change?
Nonetheless, excessive spending, compulsive lying, and perpetual procrastination are bad behaviors, and they make it very difficult to sustain a loving and life-giving marriage. I don't know whether you have ever thought about it, but each of these bad behaviors is rooted in immaturity, in a desire for an easy life. Not having what you want when you want it is often difficult, telling the truth is often painful, and doing what you are responsible for in a timely manner frequently disrupts your comfort level.
The antidote --- grow up. Life is not easy, nor is it meant to be (at least not if it is going to be lived well). I often react to the term "boyfriend".... What most women need is not a boy --- they need a man.
But the most frequent bad behavior that threatens marriages today is infidelity. Recent estimates have suggested that as many as 50% of divorces are preceded by cheating (and one well-known marriage therapist has stated that in his practice, nearly 90% of divorces were precipitated by adultery).
There was a time when wearing a wedding ring was a clear indication that you were off limits. This is no longer the case. A while back I was returning home from giving a talk at a conference, and as I was sitting in the plane waiting to take off, the woman seated next to me (a fairly attractive woman in her mid-40s) stared at my ring and asked, "Are you VERY married?" [Please note: my children cannot understand why anyone would ever hit on a man as old as me!] I explained that I was married to my best friend, that Kathy was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that we had a great life together. Nevertheless, when we landed here in the Twin Cities, she gave me her card (just in case I ever wanted to reconsider).
The antidote --- be very married. In our society, the opportunity for infidelity will present itself (unless you live in a cave), and if you are not all the way in your marriage (think of a submarine), then you are in danger of eventually taking on water.
