Love Bytes

....that combination - one who takes too much blame and one who takes too little (or none) for relational behavior is part of what I call the DoA (dynamics of abuse) - pun intended.

What happens is one person takes too much responsibility for the OTHER person's (usually abusive) behavior - while the other person continually refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever for his/her behavior - or at best denies, blames, justifies, or minimizes it to their partner.

The MOST empathy one is likely to get from responsibility-shunning partner is a statement of blame thinly and poorly disguised as an apology:

"I'm sorry YOU...."

As in: "I'm sorry YOU feel that way", or "I'm sorry YOU got upset by me flirting with the neighbor at the party" - or whatever.

They key word is "YOU" - there's the blame and the person is clearly still taking zero responsibility for his/her behavior.

I don't call it DoA for nothing. That type of dynamic usually leads lead to a toxic relationship which is hurling towards a very painful end at best, or towards even more severe abuse at worst.

Look out for the blame game. Steven Stosny wrote about this too, and how to detect a 'blamer' early on in your relationships, remembering that blame usually goes to the person closest to them. If you're their partner, and particularly if you're one who tends to take too much blame - that person will undoubtedly be you, eventually even if not in the romantic beginnings of an involvement.

It's a red flag to look out for - both in one's self and any potential partners.

I am a big Stosny fan. He writes with knowledge and compassion. Thank you for your post. You have very clearly articulated one of the biggest dangers of this type of dating / marriage combination.

I'm taken aback by the sexist suggestions in this blog post. Is there any science to back up the claim that women are more prone to accept blame and men to deny it?
My experiences (57 years of them) are that women are terribly critical of men, constantly trying to change them and always blaming them for anything that goes wrong. Women, by contrast, seldom accept any responsibility for anything. That's why they are quick to scream "discrimination" if they don't get their way. Women are always saying their husband is "wrong" and demanding their way. They want the furniture their way, the sex their way, the food their way, their restaurant, they want men to dress the way they want and speak in a language they like. They inisst on controlling the TV programs and shit all over guys for liking sports. They insist tha men dress the way they prefer and act the way they demand--come home early, don't drink, etc, etc.. They complain about the simplest stupidest things --men must put the seat up; women cannot possibly put the seat down. Women insist on getting the best seats, the open doors, the "princess treatment.." On Valentines day women demand that men waste money on soon to be dead flowers, yet generally do nothing for their men. Then, they criticize the poo schmoe's efforts and make fun of him. Women withhold sex to extort male behavior while criticizing male sexual desire. They are quick to say men are "commitment phobic, neanderthal, sexist, etc. ad nauseam..." while pretending they are perfect. Indeed, it's usually not pretend --Dad told them they were princesses and they know a princess is perfect and always gets her way..
It's ridiculous to claim they accept responsibility and men don't. Indeed, in every long term marriage I've seen, it's impossible for the man not to "accept" responsibility --she insists on it... "My way or the highway.." The man gets the garage, if that... Same thing in the workplace. Women behave as though they never do anything wrong, never fail. Women blame any workplace "failure" on the result of bias in their view, and they are supposedly superior to all males.. Even though the death rates show men have the worst of it, women always complain that they work sp hard and blame their situatuation on men --either generically or on the "obvious weknesses of the buffoon I married..." a
Why do you think the T shirts say: " If a man is in the forest without his wife, is he still wrong all the time"?
Indeed, women get together and regularly dump all over the men in their lives--it's called "the coffee klatch..." I've never heard of them getting together to discuss what they can do to improve, become better etc., or what they're doing wrong in the marriage.. And, while demanding that the man makes an income sufficient to permit her to buy all things within her princess fantasy, she complains that he is not home to cook her dinner cause "she worked so hard getting Johnnie to school" (and then watching Oprah. Think of it: Oprah is huge, and it ain't men watching her during the workday)o Moreover, look at the self help books. They are not about women improving thier behaviors; they're all about how men need to change for women; women are superior, men are shit...
Indeed, even when men keep away from controlling bitchy women who do nothing but criticize and blame, the women say "he's afraid of a strong smart woman" She's got a tail two decades long and she's saying she's great and every man in the world is too weak for her...
Thus, the basic premise of this blog post is 1000% off target.. The real issue is how can women accept responsibility for their negative behaviors, controlling nature and criticism of men, in order to actually have a caring relationship, rather than the preposterous fantasies of "women are so wonderful in relationships and men such garbage.."