Do you have a tail? You know, one of those flawed areas in your life that people who are close to you are able to see, but you just have a tough time noticing?
I often encourage people that if one person tells you that you have a tail, then you can usually ignore it. If two people tell you that you have a tail, then you might begin to wonder a little bit. And if three people tell you that you have a tail and one of those people is someone who loves you and knows you well, then you had better go home, pull down your pants, and check your ass in the mirror.
I probably shouldn't be, but I am often surprised by how little self-insight happens for most of us before we get into a serious relationship. If we have roommates, they are probably able to see our tails, but typically they will not try to point them out unless those shortcomings are a source of irritation to them. For example, if someone continually leaves their dishes for others to clean up and hardly ever lifts a hand to clean the apartment (clearly a tail), then roommates will typically say something only after they have become "fed up" with the behavior.
But in reality (for most of us), the only times we are ever confronted on a regular basis with the fact that we may have a tail (or maybe many tails) is when we end up in a serious relationship. In such instances, the person we love is able to clearly see the tail(s) and is actually in a position to talk with us about it.
Now, let me ask you? If your partner notices that you have a tail and wants you to change, should you change to please that person?
Case in point. I grew up in an alcoholic home. If you know anything about alcoholic homes, you know that they tend to be a bit chaotic / unpredictable / unreliable. You can't always count on people to be there when you need them. As a result, I learned early on that if I got really close to others and depended on them, then I was setting myself up for disappointment and for hurt.
Now there are many ways that a person who grows up in such an environment can protect themselves from the disappointment of being let down by the ones they love. For example, they can become indifferent --- "If I just don't care, then I can't be hurt as much." OR they can numb themselves, first with an endless stream of entertainment and later with attachments to alcohol, drugs, sex, --- anything that will keep them from feeling the pain of not being able to count on those who claim to love them. OR they can rebel --- keep the source of the pain at a distance by repelling it in anger.
My response was not any of these. My response was to become highly self-sufficient --- if you don't rely on anyone else, then you are less apt to be disappointed when they aren't there for you. And this response to my alcoholic home environment worked really well in nearly every area of my life --- school, academics, work. But then I got married.......
It wasn't very long after our wedding before my wife wanted more closeness between us / more interdependence / more me relying on her and her being able to rely upon me (an "and the two shall become one" sort of marriage). Basically, she wanted a husband, not a roommate.
I was faced with a decision: Should I change to please my wife? [I suspect that some of you have been faced with the same sort of decision: Should you change to please your partner?] The answer is: NO. Don't ever change to please your partner. Whatever change does happen will be forced, half-hearted, and short-lived.
Should I change to please myself? [If you have found yourself in this type of situation where someone has wanted you to change, then you know the answer to this one.] The truth is that I was actually quite pleased with the way I was --- being self-sufficient had worked out really well in my life. So I really didn't have any desire to change to please myself --- I was already fairly pleased with who I was.
So then why change? The answer was surprisingly obvious (once I saw it).
I needed to change in order to become a better person. Just because I had experienced a dysfunctional home life did not make it any less true that as human beings, we are meant to have a life of connection / a life of interdependence / a life of relying on others and having them be able to rely on us --- in short, a life of love.
Was it easy to come to grips with the fact that I had a tail and that I needed to change? NO!
If you know anything about people, then you know that self-sufficiency was not the last tail that I ever had to deal with in my life (and you no doubt also realize that there are still other tails to be dealt with). And if you are aware of these realities, then you also know that once a person is no longer open to pulling down their pants and checking for tails, then they get stuck in the ruts of life --- they stop growing.
It is then that the human spirit begins to resign itself to the way things are rather than the way things could be. It is then that the human spirit begins to shrivel up.
