What can a guy do to know that he is with a jerkette? Since everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, what are the warning signs. Sure you say they use their emotions to manipulate, but how? It was obvious to you with your daughter, but that is all you say: It was obvious.

How can I as a non-psychologist know this?

I agree with almost all of this article, except for the assumptions made about women at the bar who seem cold to some men and warm towards others. At 4 in the morning, normal courtesies no longer apply. By just being nice to someone you are giving him the green light to keep hitting on you even if you aren't interested. I have taken the time to chat with people at a bar and then when I decline to go any further, I'm chastised for sending the wrong message. Being the nice girl at the bar is just plain dangerous. At the bar, there is no 5 to 1 ratio except that there is usually 1 person out of 5 you have a genuinely warm response to. If a women acts differently towards people when you are out on an actual date (ex. is sweet with you but mean to the waiter) that should be a warning, but bar behavior is never a true indication of how a women operates, or a man for that matter.

The writer has obviously never been a single woman being hit on in a bar, but I have been -- and trust me that ANY kindness or even mere politeness can and often will be taken as encouragement. An absolutely unequivocal "no," accompanied by no hint of willingness to engage further, is the only way to make oneself clear. Would the writer want his wife or daughter to be "warm and encouraging" to every strange man who approached them? Women have instincts, and preferences, and while the writer may not have understood why a certain woman might feel attracted to one man over another, I guarantee that woman could have explained if asked. Any woman has the right to reject the advances of a strange man at any time without being termed a "jerkette."

I'm with Becky, too. Too many people simply miss the subtler "no" cues at closing time (when perception tends to be impaired anyway).

I'd like to add my own agreement with Becky. It is far too dangerous to be nice to men who come on to you in a bar. Anything other than an unequivocal no, ideally with some disdain thrown in, is far too often taken as a yes. "Oh, she's playing hard-to-get." That's not being a jerk (or "jerkette" as you like to call it), that's bar survival 101.

I absolutely agree with the women posting in this thread because the authors analogy regarding women in a bar does not serve the discussion effectively.

If a loser guy approaches a woman in a bar, it's best that she says no and is blunt about it. Loser guys can't read subtle signals -- a reason why they are losers in the first place, which makes it necessary to say "NO, I WILL NOT LET YOU BUY ME A DRINK."

However, the author raises an INTERESTING point about the use of emotions to control and manipulate. Emotions are POWERFUL, because when someone feels and emotion that she does not wish to resolve, then it has an emotional effect on everyone else in her vicinity.

I can empathize, but I do not want to be punished by feeling her negative emotions myself.

THE MAIN POINT is that it is better to resolve emotions in a mature manner. Feel the emotions, consider why the emotions are being felt, what will allow the emotions can be healed, and then let it flow through you so that you can once again enjoy life with your partner.

And, no, the bar scenario is not a very good litmus test for much of anything.

I read this article a while back on Steven Stosny's blog and found it to be both very true and helpful for evaluating the potential for a partner to be emotionally abusive which might add clarity to a few of the above comments.

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/20081...

What do you do if you are a jerkette? How do you deal with your negative emotions around the person who you think caused them?

I found this point to be fascinating. The idea of the natural limits of the social use of emotion.

I learned the value and importance of respecting and acknowledging emotions from Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

From Eckman's Emotions Revealed, I learned that our primary emotions have biological, genetic roots. And that they are social. Meaning, your emotions have evolved to have their power in the context of other people. It is virtually impossible to NOT communicate your emotions to other people, and your expressed emotions have a real biological effect on them.

The lessons above gave me a respect and sensitivity to the emotions of myself and people around me. But I had a hard time figuring out boundaries. When should I stop making space for the emotions of others? When should I stop freely expressing my emotions in trying to get what I want?

This article rounds out my understanding very nicely. The natural boundary should be manipulation. If I, or someone else, is holding onto an emotion, purposefully, to use its social power to get something from another person, then this is wrong, and should not happen. I should not do this, and I should not permit someone else to do this to me.

This concept further illuminates a jerk of a boss I used to work for. It took years for his employees (including me) to realize how manipulative he was. And now that I think about it, he manipulated using his social emotions, primarily anger and sometimes happiness. And, that was wrong, and we had a right to stand up to it.

Thank you for the post, and I encourage other folks to read especially the Eckman book.

(PS I read the bar scenario in the post as an example of the ability to turn on and off expressed emotions as a way to get what you want out of other people. I didn't read it as defining a jerkette. The test is repeatedly manipulating those who are close, not one-time interactions with drunk strangers at 4am.)

Thank you for your response. I am very surprised (although I probably shouldn't be) by the large number of people who do use their emotions as a way to get what they want. In this whole area of discussion, the issue of BOUNDARIES is huge.

Thanks for your post.