When dating it is often difficult to tell just where a particular partner is apt to fall (long-term) on the nice-to-nasty ratio. Obviously, most people are going to be exuding their best behavior (and sometimes, downright deceptive behavior) when dating --- otherwise, why would anyone bother to go out with them again? So the question that often gets asked is: How can I tell whether this person is someone who is going to (eventually) weigh in on the nasty side of the nice-to-nasty ratio?
In last week's post ("Using Intimacy To Get Sex"), I offered a litmus test for discerning a jerk in sheep's clothing, and I promised that this week I would offer a comparable litmus test for discerning a jerkette.
Three of my sons are married, and their bachelor's parties have typically unfolded something like this. Friday afternoon is golf day, followed by a barbecue and a (mild) tour of the Saint Paul bars. Usually it's a "mild" tour because Saturday morning starts early with a paint ball excursion, followed by a short nap on Saturday afternoon. We then get together for another barbecue followed by the party bus for the (full-scale) Minneapolis bar tour.
In the process of participating in these bachelor's parties, I have witnessed closing time in downtown Minneapolis three times --- what a great opportunity for people-watching --- and it is here that I have been able to observe close up and personal the jerkette litmus test in action.
Consistent with Mickey Gilley's old country tune titled "Don't the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time?", the women in the bars got hit on more and more frequently as the night wore on, until near closing time the scene became a virtual panorama of come ons. This is what I noticed. As some women were approached, they could be cold, distant, aloof, and hard (downright nasty!) toward one guy, but 3 seconds later these same women were warm, affectionate, gentle, and kind toward another guy. It was like watching a faucet turning from cold to hot water (and back again) on cue. [By the way, I started to watch to see if the guys who received the cold water treatment were the sleaze-bag over-the-hill types who were out of their league. But there were no indications that this was the case.]
Here's my point. Does she use her emotions for control? Is she warm and affectionate when she desires something from you, but cold and distant when she doesn't? Is she tender and sensitive as long as you are doing what she wants, but rigid and hard whenever you stray from her wishes? In other words, does she use her emotions as a way to get what she wants --- either reinforcing you for giving in to those things she desires or punishing you when you don't?
When our daughter (Laura) was about 10 years old, she called just before dinner time one night and asked if she could stay at a friend's house rather than come home to have dinner with the family. Since dinner times were very important for our family, I told Laura that she should finish up what she were doing at her friend's house as soon as possible and then try to make it back in time for dinner. As you might guess, Laura was not very happy, and throughout dinner it was obvious that I was being punished for my decision.
After dinner, Laura and I had a conversation. It went something like this. "I can understand that you were disappointed in my decision, and it is fine to have feelings of disappointment --- such feelings are natural and reasonable. But it is not fine to punish me with those feelings. Emotions are not for controlling people. They shouldn't be used to punish. And they shouldn't be used for a reward. If you have a problem with something, state clearly what your problem is. Make your voice heard. But don't hang on to your emotions as a way to try to make someone else feel bad. And the opposite is also true --- don't use your emotions as a way to get someone to go along with what you desire. We have our emotions to help give a rich flavoring to the whole range of human experience --- sort of seasoning on the experience of life --- not as a way to manipulate people." [Laura is now a forthright and delightful young woman who will let you know how she is feeling, but she does not use those feelings to try to manipulate you. We are looking forward to her wedding to a wonderful young man this summer.]
Shortly after publishing the book "How To Love Your Wife", I was doing a call-in radio talk show. I had been talking about the ratio of positive to negative exchanges and the need for men to be more nice than nasty, and a man called in wanting to know why I was putting all this stuff just on men. He talked about his partner, who was pleasant (and sometimes even alluring) when she wanted something and as long as she continued to get it, but who was very unpleasant (he used the term "shrew") when she didn't get what she wanted.
I hated to do it, but I had to tell him that the person he was with is one of those people for whom the nice-to-nasty ratio rests atop a teeter-tooter, tipping to and fro based on what she wants. With such people, there is little hope of ever reaching that 5:1 ratio (the ratio of at least 5 pleasant exchanges for every unpleasant one) that marks virtually all loving, successful, life-giving relationships.
As he hung up, I got the impression that he didn't appreciate my suggestion --- that he cut bait and move on, next time looking for someone who would not use her emotions as a tool for manipulation, but rather, as a way to more fully experience the richness of life.
