A young woman (Sophia, age 27) met a man (Peter, age 32) online and they each began to pour out their hearts to each other about their troubled marriages. Sophia (whose online name was "Sweetie") told her friends: "It's amazing. We seem to both be stuck in the same kind of miserable marriage. I have found the love of my life. The way this 'Prince of Joy' (Peter's online name) speaks to me, the things he writes, the tenderness in every expression is something I have never had in my marriage." And Peter told his friends: "Sweetie writes such wonderful things to me in our posts. I am so happy to have found a woman who finally understands me."
Sophia and Peter finally decided to meet each other at a coffee shop in the bustling financial district, and they agreed to each carry a single rose so that they could recognize each other. When Sophia spotted her Prince of Joy, she was amazed: "When I saw my own husband standing there holding a rose and I realized what had happened, I was shattered. I felt so betrayed." And weeks later, Peter was still in a funk. He found it "hard to believe that this person, Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things to me on the Internet, is actually the same woman I married and who had not said a nice word to me for years." [from an actual UK newswire post on September 17, 2007]
Why do so many people marry for love, then find their love fading away?
Whenever I am facing the need for change (either in my own life or in the lives of those I am working with), I frequently ask three questions. First, does the person UNDERSTAND? When I look at Sophia and Peter, it sure seems that they understand what it means to be loving. Secondly, is the person CAPABLE? Again, with Sophia and Peter, doesn't it appear that they are capable of being loving? Thirdly, are they WILLING?
I doubt that it will surprise you that of the three questions of change, this is the one where people seem to most often falter in their efforts at change. I think Yoda (in "Star Wars") understood this. Do you remember when he gave Luke Skywalker the following advice: "Do or do not, there is no try!"
When I played basketball in college, there were a few times when I played a particularly good game. I remember experiencing frustration that what I did last night didn't count for much today. I had to go out on the court and put it all on the floor again. It just didn't seem fair. Why did I have to work so hard today after I had proved myself the night before? Isn't it enough that they know how good I am based upon how effective I was last night?
Successful marriages / successful families / successful love relationships are the same way. What we did yesterday doesn't seem to matter a whole lot today.
As I prepare to leave for home tonight, I will once again read the wisdom of Yoda emblazoned in bold print on my office wall: "Do or do not, there is not try!"
