Love Bytes

Insights on Our Deepest Desire

John Buri is Professor of Psychology at the University of St. Thomas and the author of How To Love Your Wife. See full bio

February 3, 2009, Parenting

Every Family Is Dysfunctional

Do You Come From a Dysfunctional Family?

I have a colleague who has frequentlly commented that every family is dysfunctional, and in some ways, I have to agree. After all, every parent is human, and being human, we are inclined to fail (at least sometimes). Each of us has to admit that we are vulnerable to messing up. Even those of us who are diligently conscientious (read "anal") and have the best of intentions - we are going to fail. [An aside: if you are dating someone who has a difficult time owning up to this, beware --- inability to admit this belies a grandiosity that will eventually reveal itself (painfully) in your relationship.]

One of our daughters-in-law (a beautiful young woman, both inside and out) was a psychology major here at the University of St. Thomas. After she and our son were engaged, her parents came to our house for Easter dinner, and we weren't into the dinner more than 15 or 20 minutes when her mother looked over at me and said: "John, when our daughter took her first course from you, she came home at Thanksgiving and informed us that we had a dysfunctional family." You could have heard a pin drop! One of our other sons (without missing a beat) interjected: "When I took my first course with my dad, I was certain I came from a dysfunctional family too." Wow - what a great comment. Not only did he dispell the tension that was thick in the air, but he also clearly stated a truth that few are willing to recognize.

Now admittedly, some families are more dysfunctional than others. I think of it as something like relationship / emotional / thinking bacteria --- some families parcel out mild forms of bacteria, whereas others act as veritable Petri dishes. For the past 25 years I have been teaching a university course on the Psychology of Marriage and the Family and I am repeatedly struck by the number of people who have yet to realize the possible unhealthy residue from their family of origin. [I shouldn't be surprised --- I can vividly remember a time when I naively thought I had escaped unscathed --- it almost cost me my marriage!]

"Have I come from a dysfunctional family?" Such a question is probably less important than questions like: "What are some of the unhealthy patterns of relating that I have taken with me into my relationships?" "Do I have any maladaptive emotional responses that have sabotaged my love life?" "Are there any patterns of thinking that have made it difficult for me to develop / sustain the love that I desire?"

If we were cows --- and everytime we blinked it was a brand new day --- then maybe we should resign ourselves to the residue we've got. But quite honestly, being members of a species like ours --- with so much more going for us than cows --- we need to be resolved to climb out of the Petri dish.