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Forgiveness
Anger: Making the Decision to Tame the Beast and Forgive
If you want others to hear you rather than react to you, watch your words.
Posted November 10, 2014
Whenever you think to yourself, “This is the last straw; now I’m really going to blow my stack,” take a minute to breathe. The philosopher who once said “Silence is golden,” probably had overheard an exchange of angry words. We talk so much about anger in our society that few of us realize how damaging it can be.
Anger is a reaction, an emotion. We cannot really control our emotions. We feel what we feel. However, we can control our actions and reactions. Oftentimes when we are angry, we simply lash out. Sometimes were say what is on our minds to the person who made us angry. Or sometimes it’s the next person who comes along who becomes the recipient of our angry words.
Redford D. Williams, MD, at the Division of Behavioral Medicine, Duke University, has long been a proponent of taming anger and has written extensively about this. (1)
How to be heard:
If you want others to hear you rather than react to you, you need to be careful about what you say. When we are angry with someone, it is often because they have hurt us. Frequently the person with whom we are angry feels none of the internal conflict or turmoil that we feel. That person may not even know that we are angry.
Instead of reacting when you are angry, take a few minutes to ask yourself:
- What feelings do I personally associate with the person who created this situation – the hurt, disappointment, embarrassment?
- What is it that I want the person to hear me say?
- What kind of response do I want from the other person?
- How can I confront without being confrontational?
Essentially you want the person who angered you to know how you really feel. If you feel disappointed or let down you don’t need to drag up a litany of offenses, by saying, “You always do this.” Those words set up a defense-offense scenario that can escalate into a serious confrontation.
It is enough to simply state what you feel and suggest that you hope the situation does not occur again. And if this is a pattern, point it out then leave it alone.
Face-to-face or email?
With lovers or family face-to-face is generally advisable. In work situations, if isn’t in print – it didn’t happen. Here again state the problem. Then either present a solution or if there was an agreed upon solution earlier between the two of you and executive management, remind the person that he or she is ignoring policy.
What’s next? Let the forgiveness factor kick in. What to do with anger has been talked about since Biblical days. We are admonished to forgive, forgive, forgive. (2)
Our grandmother’s advice has proven to be consistent with the advice of health experts, psychiatrists, and religious philosophers such as Emmet Fox. (3) He has said of anger: “When you hold resentment against anyone, you are bound to that person by a mental chain. You are tied by a cosmic tie to the thing you hate. By forgiveness you set yourself free.”
A frequently quoted comment on forgiveness:
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."
It is attributed to Louis Benedictus Smedes, professor at Fuller Theological Seminary and author of "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve."
In some ways forgiveness is like gratitude. We know from the research at the Greater Good Science Center in Berkeley, CA, through the work for Robert Emmons, PhD, that we can practice gratitude even without feeling grateful. It is an attitude more than a feeling. 4 Steps to Gratitude During Happy Times and Sad Ones, Rita Watson)
(Adapted in part from the Art of Decision Making, Rita E. Watson, LowellHouse)
References:
1.) Williams, Redford D., MD, Anger Kills, Random House, 2012
2.) Enright, Robert D.,PhD, The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love, APA Lifetools, American Psychological Association, 2012.
3.) Around the Year with Emmet Fox, HarperCollins, 2010
Copyright 2014 Rita Watson
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