With Love and Gratitude

A blessing a day keeps the doc away

His and Hers Top Sexual Fantasies Intermingle with Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, fantasies become a highlight.

Robert Indiana, Yale Digital Commons
Despite our love for movies that are filled with romance, there has long been a shift away from the days of courting lovers. And as this Valentine’s Day approaches, high romantic gestures of long stemmed roses could well be edged out by emphasis on the alluring and provocative. Those Fifty Shades of Grey handcuffs have spawned a jewelry industry and taken the world by surprise. But researchers and academics were not shocked.

Porn is no longer a dirty little secret. Now adult movies are available on the Internet and erotic toys are available in pharmacies for those who are not averse to things that go "buzz" in the night. As we have been reading in the world of porn, one in three consumers of porn are women.

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William Hurt Sledge, MD,, Psychiatry,Yale School of Medicine, while a Master at Yale’s Calhoun College, taught a course with Dr. Ruth Westheimer in which they explored with students “Twentieth Century Family, Marriage, Intimacy, and Fulfillment.” One of the sections taught by Dr. Sledge focused on pornography and erotica.

Dr. Sledge said. “If you look at the scientifically collected data (Kinsey, et al; Masters and Johnson, and others) on ‘sexual outlets’ you would find that, in general, women are doing the same things that men are, and have been doing it for a long time.”

Even sexting hasn't surprised Dr. Mary Muscari, an associate professor at Binghamton University. She views sexting as an extension of a society in which parents grew up as part of the free-loving Woodstock generation: Sexting What Your Teen May be Doing with Her Cell Phone.

Comparing fantasies of men and women

Valentine's Day comes along and in trying to make that one night special — how many couples might actually play out or at least talk about their fantasies, which seem remarkably similar? By no means a scientific measure, these fantasies are anecdotal amusement as well as thought-provoking.

Comparing the top male fantasies in the Human Sexuality Blog of Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D.,  American Psychological Association, with those of women, ironically reported in AskMen, there are surprises: Top 10: Female Sex Fantasies.

  • The Threesome: Women envision being in a passionate experience with two heterosexual men. The men’s version of a threesome is having two passionate women “in a private box at the Broncos game,” says Lehmiller.
  •  Voyeurism: Women are said to enjoy watching as much as men do, but women might be seeing what’s happening via a neighbor’s window. For him, Lehmiller says, "it would be sitting in a tree with some Cheetos and watching people have sex in their master bedroom.”
  • Forceful sex: Women fantasize about being pushed to a wall and being ravished by a gorgeous man. Lehmiller says, “My fantasy is having my partner completely take control. I want someone who will take what they want when they want it. I am in such control in all other aspects of my life — I just want to be taken advantage of."

For women only — the strip tease and lap dance

The top woman’s fantasy will be a pleasure for men. Women envision the idea of a tantalizing strip tease including a lap dance. Although this was listed only as women's fantasy, we don't see any reason that men might object.

Enhancing that oxytocin

We know this about oxytocin. Researchers have found that the naturally occurring hormone oxytocin and love are intimately related. Often called the love drug, oxytocin plays a role in bonding, maternal instinct, enduring friendshipmarriage, and orgasms. Loretta Graziano Breuning, Ph.D., says that oxytocin is a mingling of trust and physical touch, as well as love-making.

Making love enhances oxytocin. As such, one might say that if fantasies are helping your love life, tant mieux. But be cautious: Oxytocin: The Love and Trust Hormone Can Be Deceptive.

For more about sexual fantasy

An Inside Look at Sexual Fantasies | Psychology Today By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D

Sex Personality Test - Self Tests by Psychology Today for those who wonder about their sexual personality.

Copyright 2014 Rita Watson

 

 

 

Rita Watson, MPH, is an Associate Fellow at Yale's Ezra Stiles College and a columnist for The Providence Journal.

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