When I unexpectedly came upon a Paris apartment (tiny rooms, enormous character) in downtown Providence, I packed up my Boston belongings and returned to the town where I have been writing for the newspaper since 2006. The move became a tapestry of obsession and logic - my wanting to hang the drapes and his practical wisdom -drag in the boxes and the furniture. Two minds, two approaches, and the intermingling of highs and lows left me wondering about relationships.
The rental truck stuffed with my treasures nearly sent my Sean Connery hero off and running instead of greeting me with open arms. Yet, by late afternoon the next day -- on Christmas Eve -- he had meticulously measured and hung each picture and mirror. As I was donning my dinner party outfit of royal velvet and Aunti's art deco rhinestone dangles, he was sitting by the fire sipping a 12-year-old Scotch malt. I snapped a photo of Mr. Relaxed.
It was then that I realized that we had negotiated holiday togetherness in a tiny space - as compared to his Washington penthouse - and could do so because we are each comfortable in own world, our own lives. Is there any point then in togetherness? In fact we answered that question just today when I admitted to a serious case of writer's block.
Alone as a relationship requirement
Here is where synchronicity takes the center stage - a bit of digression. As a Boston Legal aficionado, my children gave me the series for Christmas. It was at the end of the first disc that I heard the words of Alan Shore - lawyer/ lover whom women love to love and hate. He said: "I have only one relationship requirement - to be alone."
I was struck by both the selfishness and the logic of the statement. He seemed to represent the ultimate in a "me" person unable to think in terms of "we." Or is he? I made a note of it, January 2 at 7:10 PM.
I think of myself as a "we" person and was startled when the Beltway Bachelor wrote me today to remind me of my own need for solitude saying:
"A thought occurred to the muse in me that an edgy variation on a relationship column could be built around Virginia Woolf's famous quote about the need for 'a room of one's own.' [In her extended essay Virginia Woolf makes the case for women writers in a world dominated by male authors. Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own (1929) ]
"There are things to say for occasional solitude as beneficial to relationships. That is, recognition of the need for an individual identity, a place, a corner, a room uniquely one's own, the value and comfort of, indeed, nesting sans mate," he added.
The comfort of togetherness solitude
In our animated conversation that followed, I realized that the beauty of being comfortable in solitude, in our aloneness, is that when we come together with another - his presence is not so much a need, but rather a magnetism that embraces, embellishes, and enhances. We are not patching holes in our hearts, but rather allowing hearts to freely entwine and separate and join together for laughter and loving in a fluid space of separately together.
He pointed out that he feels there is something artifical abbout revealing relationship secrets when, in fact, sometimes the answer is solitude -- which for many means the ability to center or ground oneself. Pointing to the joy of my finding a way to adapt to space, he said:"Your Paris apartment in Providence and the way you love each arch, each imperfection is evidence of your need for a room of your own."
And he added: "Being comfortable alone becomes a function of what works for the relationship. It takes the pressure off when you are content with yourself. There is no forcing an issue of a man moving in with you or you with him or to change anyone. When you can, you will, if you wish -- as time permits."
It terms of relationship solitude, in fact, Ester Buchholz, PhD, pointed out in her book and article: "Solitude actually allows us to connect to others in a far richer way." The Call of Solitude | Psychology Today
Can the one essential relationship key be this? Before we can be comfortable together, we must learn to first be comfortable with ourselves.
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
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Rita Watson is an Associate Fellow at Yale's Ezra Stiles College and a columnist for The Providence Journal.
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