Verified by 
If new love is passing you by, perhaps your thinking is out of focus. Photographers use tripods to hold a camera steady to prevent blurriness. For clarity in attracting to yourself the love of your life, focus may be what is needed. And I updated this because I think focus makes more sense, in terms of a positive approach, than the gossip report in the November 2017 study in Evolutionary Psychological Science. In Women Use Gossip to Compete for a Man's Affection the authors note: "Scholars agree that gossip has evolved as an efficient way to learn more about others, and to enforce group norms. It is also a method by which people can learn more about their rivals, and can call into question their reputation, especially when they are vying for the same romantically or sexually desirable mates."
Two key love points:
Think in terms of positive qualities, qualities in a love relationship that will enhance you and be a complement to your personality.
Refuse to get into a negative mode by thinking about what went wrong in your past relationships and blaming your former spouse or lover. Instead of saying things such as:
- "I don't want a man who flirts with other women. "
- "I don't want a man who says he'll call and then doesn't."
- "I don't want a man who lacks a sense of humor."
. . . . flip to a new channel. Remind yourself that you would like a new man who appreciates women but who is devoted to you. Remind yourself that if a phone call each day is important to you, suggest it. But if he does not have a sense of humor and you like to laugh - place a call to your Fairy Godmother.
Being clear about what you want in a relationship is akin to a photographer putting a camera on a tripod to steady the focus.
Questions to consider when you become involved in a new relationship.
Specifics:
1. What is the personality profile of your ideal companion?
2. Is profession important to you?
3. Does it matter if he has never married or if he is divorced?
4. Is income important to you?
5. Is religion important to you?
6. Do you want someone who likes going out a lot, or a homebody?
7. What leisure activities would you like to share in terms of movies, music, theatre, sports?
8. Do you want someone who enjoys entertaining guests for dinner?
9. Are you looking for a good time social companion, a friend with benefits, or a husband?
10. Do you wish for a man who lives nearby so that you can see each other at least every week-end?
11. If you would be satisfied with a long-distance relationship do you have parameters in terms of how often you text, talk, or email?
Qualities:
12. What qualities in a companion do you feel will enhance your positive qualities?
13. What qualities do you have that you wish a man might recognize in you?
14. Is it important that you are with a man who makes you laugh?
15. Is it important you find a man who can laugh at himself?
16. Are you looking for a new relationship because you really want one or is it because your friends are encouraging you to do so?
True desires:
17. Are you looking for a partner with a lust for life who enjoys cuddling and sex?
18. Is marriage your ultimate goal?
19. In your heart of hearts do you think you smother men and that is the reason you are still single?
20. Are you willing to take a chance on being honest about your wishes and needs?
Taking the honesty route: A love story
Here is a story that may help you to focus on your heart's desire. A former college classmate of mine realized how lonely she was at her class reunion. But she had such a messy divorce that she was very anxious about connecting with men.
Then one day she created a checklist, similar to the one above and realized that she really wanted to be married again. She took a chance on honesty.
Whenever she went out on a date she would say: "When you are house hunting, what you see is what you get. That's me. I've decided that I'm the kind of woman who has a lot of love to give and I need to share that love with a husband. So if you are not interested in marriage, let's not see each other again."
She admitted that most men shuttered and left her at the word "marriage." But she persevered. One day she met a man who was not at all the image she had in mind for a dream lover. However, he was so surprised by her honesty that he said, "You know. I would like to be married also. Let's give it a whirl."
They dated for two months and then married eight years ago. Is he Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right? She says, "No, but he is Mr. Wonderful and he makes me laugh."
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
4 Steps to Gratitude in Happy Times or Sad Ones
Should Women Date Men Afraid to Commit?
Follow Rita Watson on Twitter @ LoveColumnist
