Hidden agendas or unspoken expectations are relationship hell that eventually erupt in fiery outbursts. Men find themselves perplexed by hidden agendas and oftentimes tell me that when they can't decipher the message – wives or girlfriends withhold affection.
One young man whom I met at a social event said to me, "You write about relationships. Why I am having so much trouble?"
Without taking a breath he blurted out, "She wants me to be a mind reader. I don't want to read her mind. When something is wrong I want her to tell me. Show me. I said to her one day, 'Take a look at this. It's a car manual. See these symbols? Each one points to a problem. Pretend I'm a car. Show me what's wrong. Make a list of what you want. I'll try to fix it. But don't keep telling me that 'I don't get it,' because I don't."
Then rather sadly he added, "What she doesn't get is that we are both losing this battle."
In the world of love so often we become trapped in unspoken expectations and hidden agendas. Waiting for "what's next" we miss the "what's happening now" such as the faint smile that says "I need you." An amorous look that says, "I want you." A tense moment that says, "Something isn't working, let's fix it." Or a tender, "Thank you" that too many of us forget to say to those we love the most.
And yet, those we love oftentimes disappoint us, and we disappoint them. But holding onto anger is as harmful to one's health as it is to the relationship. And even worse than anger is the decision to stray.
Diane Wysocki, Ph.D., sociologist at the University of Nebraska at Kearney, tells me that "In today's technology world, it is so easy to take the emotional infidelity route from texting, to sexting, to cheating rather than communicating with your spouse or lover."
"In reality, marriage takes work. Maybe couples need to spend more time taking care of those they love. When cheating results, it takes a toll on everyone involved. There is an emotional, financial and family loss that cannot be returned. When we don't make those we love a priority, it oftentimes affects one's health," she added.
Research at Yale indicates that women have so keen an intuition that they sense a relationship problem at its inception. Does that mean women should take the lead in putting a relationship back on track or aspiring to those days of Cloud 9 walking on air?
In the world of love – communication can sometimes be a struggle. Dr. Myrna Weissman, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia, did research while at Yale on depression in women. She found that when marriage gets rocky, women seek counseling, whereas men wait until the marriage is over, and then wonder what happened.
Perhaps both men and women should be developing their intuitive skills to head off that falling out of love stage by learning to interpret the silences, downcast eyes, uncomfortable moments, and body language. Or should women be using their gift to cultivate non-judgmental spaces within their home – a place with no hidden agendas, just simple 'snuggle up' clarity?
Copyright 2011 Rita Watson/ All Rights Reserved
