A friend of mine who was delayed at the airport called and asked if I'd run her psychotherapy group that night. I agreed mainly because I was interested in the topic. It was to be an informal discussion of Living Life as a Long-Time Single and for a guy who was once between wives for about six minutes (and didn't like it) I figured this would be a good opportunity for me to find out what it was like on the other side.
The group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough so that it was a fairly representative sample. That being the case, I was blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade "singledom" for "coupledom" they were unanimous in wanting to switch. There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart but I was still surprised. What this meant was that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right.
So why was I so surprised? Two reasons: One was that I had always assumed there were people out there who really liked being alone; content with a few friends, a library card and maybe a cat...solitude was their thing. The other was that I had always assumed people unhappy with their lot would try to make a change even if it meant, horror of horrors, giving up a few of their ideals. There is something to be said, after all, for Mr/Ms Will Do.
So what is it with the single that would rather be a couple? Since none of my test sample had trouble meeting people and making friends I had to wonder about the invisible barrier that kept their buddies from becoming their mates. My confusion became especially apparent when I asked about the traits one would hope for in a spouse. Would it be a great shock to learn that they were essentially the same as those typically found in a buddy? All that stuff like trust and shared opinions, companionship and common interests, affection and good humor are exactly the same qualities they somehow managed to find in friends but couldn't seem to find in a mate.
The difference, in this particular group of Long-Time Singles is that they expect to find it all in one person and expect it to last forever. This sounds an awful lot like saying that instead of living your life day by day, biting off small bits at a time, you're going to huddle by the bed until you hit the lottery. Follow that path and you're going to be doing a lot of huddling. So is it necessary to give up on perfection and to go for the least objectionable option or might your best move be to go in an entirely different direction and accentuate the positive side of being single?
There were lots of other insights and observations made that evening but the group finally agreed on the following points:
1) No one person can or should be expected to fill all your needs forever...forget that! You don't pick friends on that basis so why should you expect it in a spouse?
2) A ten-year marriage that ends in divorce did not fail...it succeeded for ten years! And besides, don't you have some friends you'd just as soon send a Christmas card as pay a visit?
3) And keep in mind, that the time you spent as a couple was not wasted...while it lasted it was a unique journey you shared! If people weren't expected to grow and move on we'd all still be living with Mom & Pop.
4) And when you finally left home, did you and your parents hate and bad mouth each other at every opportunity or did you simply come to agree it was time for a change?
5) Finally, familiarity is a natural consequence of time so when the anniversaries are forgotten and the sex cools, it doesn't mean one of you failed it means both of you are normal.
So how come you're single? If you know something the group missed that night, share it in the Comments Section that follows. We'd all like to hear about it.
