Look At It This Way

I think alot of people who live with their parents in their 20's aren't refusing to leave the nest... its an economic necessity they put up with. As a recent college graduate, I am one of the lucky few among my friends that actually has a job. We want to leave home, but we also don't want to be on the street. And don't forget the parents that need the financial support of their kids living at home as well, it goes both ways. People in many cultures live in multigenerational homes. Would you say that a Japanese or Indian person who lives with their parents is emotionally stunted or babied?

If I could move out and not worry about my living conditions and what I am going to eat etc. I would not live in my parents house. The cost of living is not proportionate to the amount of money I make, and it is not easy to just start making more money. A month of rent in my area would take up my entire income for that month, and then some, and that is at the lowest available price. It's not that I do not want to move out of my parents house, in fact it is my #1 objective right now, I just don't see it as a realistic option.

You make two very good points.

1) Our society has indeed evolved in a way that makes it almost impossible for youngster to be independent. However, acknowledging the status quo doesn't address the damage it does.

2) As for other cultures - you mentioned India and Japan - there are many benefits to several generations living under one roof. However such a lifestyle must develop over centuries with many interlocking parts that take a long time to duplicate or even to appreciate. Hanging around the house has never been the American way. It's not part of our culture.

Just as I don't have a solution for global warming, I can see where it's a problem. In the same way, I don't have a solution for a thirty-year-old living in the basement. But that doesn't make it any less of a problem.

Steve

I think one the major reasons so many people my age and younger are still living at home is the immense amount of debt they build up going to college and graduate school, which can take years to pay off and often draws money away from savings for an apartment or a house. There is simply no justification for colleges and universities charging tuition and fees in excess of $40,000 a year for bachelor's degrees, especially when so much of what is taught in the liberal arts is either dumbed down or ideologically biased. And many professions are now requiring master's degrees, and those aren't cheap either.

For years administrators in higher education simply charged as much tuition as they could get away with. And the American people did not question it and were content to assume that everyone needs to go to college to be successful, and that everyone is college material.

I didn't move out until I was 31, but I can't complain, because I have a job in my field. Some of my peers aren't so fortunate.

The above posters got it dead on.

I'm in uni right now, aside from being one of the biggest scams in history, it's such a hassle. Both me and my parents would love to see me more independent, but if I were on my own I probably would not be able to afford uni, or do well since I'd have to be working two jobs just to cover the basics. Not to mention the years of debt I am going to be in if things continue like this.

It all comes down to money.

There is no reason why so many people should be paying so much to be in college. Trade and technical people should be working in apprenticeships, administrator and executive types should be taking the occasional, specific course that's geared to their speciality and only the 10 or 15 percent that actually need to be trained in higher math and science should be in a university full time.

Line up ten people and try to figure out who has a degree and who doesn't. Who has worked in the field, who took a course or two and who has spent ten years on a Doctorate. If you can't do that - and mostly you can't - then the folly of spending big bucks on yet another seminar reading Beowulf becomes apparent.

I've been on both sides and nothing distresses me more than seeing young people who shouldn't be in a classroom, who don't want to be in a classroom and who can't afford to be in a classroom...in a classroom. It's truly a sin.

Steve

I am 35 years old and still live "at home". I don't pay rent, or buy food, or pay the utilities. I bought my house four years ago, and two years ago my mom and her husband asked if they could move in with me. The deal was that they could, providing they paid me the same amount I was getting from roommates, since I didn't want to lose that money.

So I suppose one can look at me and say I still live "at home", and I suppose I do, but it was my house to start with!

The economics of it are definitely to my advantage...and it's nice coming home from work and my mom has cleaned my room and done my laundry and dinner is ready, but there are definite drawbacks too, like my life is no longer my own.

There are definitely trade-offs, and every now and then I think about finding myself a small apartment that I can run away to when needed. For now, when I need that "me space", I go sleep at work.

I'm 21 and do not live with my parents. However, my dad does still pay all of my expenses, as I am attending college and plan on going to grad school (the bill for which I will be footing on my own) after graduating next year. We agreed that I needed my own space and he figured he'd be paying my room and board if I'd gone to school out of state anyway. I know a lot of my peers are not so lucky, and I appreciate everything my dad does. However, I do feel mostly independent due to the way we have set things up- my dad transfers a certain amount of money to my bank account every month and it's up to me to budget accordingly. This setup has been wonderful in that it has allowed me to learn how to manage money, deal with situations I wouldn't have had exposure to living at home, and at least go through the motions of caring for myself as an independent adult. He pays pretty much for everything else in addition to what he gives me. I strongly dislike not paying for my own things but, as a broke college student, I've learned to accept it. You might notice that I've said nothing of a job and it's true that I don't have one. I'd rather focus solely on school and get good grades. I have managed to snag an internship, which I would not have had time for if I had a job in addition to school, and my dad seems to be pretty happy about it. One day, I'll get through school, get a real job, and be able to support myself. This is my ultimate goal.
There are some people who live at home simply because they are allowed to, even though they have a good job or good opportunities, etc, and really don't need to live at home. I think those people have some things to sort out- I agree with what my dad told me once, that he doesn't mind paying for everything while I'm in school but if I decide to drop out of school, it's time for me to get a full-time job and pay for myself. It just makes sense. A lot of young people going to school really need all the help they can get, though, and if they have to live at home or rely on parents to pay expenses, that's just the way it is. If tuition wasn't outrageous (and then mostly used to pay the outrageous incomes of the deans and presidents of the school), fewer people (probably) would be living at home while going to school.

It's tough on everyone involved when adult children move home or stay at home -- the adult kids, the parents, any younger kids living at home, and especially step-parents, if there are any. It's becoming a more and more common problem, and communication and planning are the most important ways to keep the situation livable for everyone. There are some great perspectives in this thread -- there are more interesting stories and suggestions in the blog at www.adulthildrenlivingathome.com/blog.

She is 28 and was fired from her job 15 months ago. She wants to remain in her field, but alas, no offers are forthcoming after all this time.

The only other place she has to go is to live with her 82 year old grandmother and my husband is afraid the stress would kill her.

She has become verbally and physically abusive to me, her mom.

We are retired and live on a limited income. Is there a way out of this mess.

Desperate

As one can clearly see - from reading all the previous posts - the current economy has taken a bad situation and made it worse...much worse. Where the young adult living at home was often an unhappy necessity due to high college costs, people who are no longer in school but simply out of a job are now also being forced to consider moving back with their parents and grandparents. In a way, this is even more of a problem because - with those out of work - there's no clear end in sight. That tempers might flare during such periods is not unusual...quite the opposite, in fact.

There are all sorts of "experts" who are more than willing to give advice but what can anyone say? Few individuals really want to remain in their childhood home but getting out involves more than a well-conceived plan and plenty of persistence. It involves a good bit of luck as well. And since there's no dependable way of influencing the laws of chance....

Perhaps simply knowing that you're not alone, that many people are stuck in exactly the same situation, will offer some comfort...along with the hope of a rapid, nationwide economic recovery.

I'm a recent college graduate living at home again. I can tell you that it can be hell on both sides. If I could, I would be out of here and on my own. The situation that I'm in is often abusive and I feel like I'm reliving the nightmare of my childhood all over again. Unfortunately I can't get a job that pays enough for me to survive anywhere else.

It's often said that, as a society, we don't treat our older citizens well. As a matter of fact, we don't treat our younger citizens well either. I've been on both ends and, so far at least, this end is a whole lot better. Anyone who says this is a Youth Worshiping Culture probably hasn't talked with any youths lately.

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

Perhaps what is needed is for people to accept the new normal & get on with living it: make the transition to emphasizing the benefits of extended living, and do what one can to minimize the drawbacks.

I say this as I struggle to remain calm, loving, and rational while my 20-something "working for awhile to pay down student loans & figure out what I'm doing next" offspring contines to fall short of meeting the domestic contributions that were agreed to as a condition of his return home.

Where do I sign up to learn supportiveness sans doormat characteristics?!

Wearily,

If it's any consolation (and I know it isn't) you're not alone. Though I suppose it could be worse. My wife has a friend who's son moved back and now regularly steals money to support his drug habit.

At some point, perhaps, the "new normal" will include parents saying:
Sorry but I didn't sign on for this. Work it out. You'll be better for the experience.

S

I am just about fed up with my 19 year old daughter living at home while she attends college 40 minutes away. She is doing terribly with her grades (we pay 1/2) and when summer came, she thought taking an accelerated math class would be ideal to get it out of the way. She is terrible in math and failed it. Not only did she lose $1200 bucks for this all said and done with tuition, books and gas, but she never looked for a job on the side to help fund this mess. Her class ended mid-summer, now she still has no job (cause she never applied). I guess it is really her problem, but she really needed to be out on her own or living in a dorm away from home. Both her dad and I resent her being here and complaining about stuff and being lazy. Her 21 year old brother works full-time and still lives at home, too, but finished his Associates Degree and got a job. It pays terribly low and there's no way he can be out on his own because it wouldn't even cover rent. He also has really high medical bills, so we help him with that, but he keeps having more and more bills he expects us to keep paying. What happened to the days when kids were willing to work hard at ANY job and still be able to pay rent and live on their own!! We truly thought we'd be helping each to pack up by age 18 and living their lives elsewhere....we love them, but there's a point when it seems like mooching when they don't do a dang thing around the house and expect supper to be made! We, parents, work a full day too! I'm getting really tired out from this.....

In a nutshell I'm in a living situation eerily similar to that of poster " I'm a recent college graduate" who posted on December 2, 2009. I really don't believe that our problem is all that unique. Your comment about our society not treating its youth well is spot on, and I personally appreciate that you can empathize. Do you have any posts on your blog that present solutions to, and/or effective ways to deal with the sanctimonious attitudes and subsequent mental abuse people like us are putting up with, particularly from our families?

i think for the most part you can probably stereotype most "adult kids" into being lazy and not wanting to grow up blah blah blah but you cant do that to all of us..i am 20 and i wont be 21 for 7 more months and when i turned 18 and graduated i managed to get a good job as a elementary school monitor, i started to make 1500 a month and in the first 2 months i had 2400 saved up, itz been 2 years since then and let me tell you that in that amount of time i have bought a 06' charger that i paid off and i have a little over 10 thousand in my bank account, im barely going to be done with my first year of college but im going to school to be a registered nurse so it will only be another year before i can start so when i graduate i will have 10 thousand to start with plus my starting pay, so while 18 and 19 year olds see themselves as "independent" i see them as temporarily independent considering most of them are not only in debt but they don't have successful careers considering they moved out and started working when they were 18 and out of high school instead of going to college. you see these people have jobs, not careers, there's a big difference. so while you independent people are struggling in your one bedroom studio apartment with a low income job making only 25 to 35 thousand a year(if even that) i am going to be making 50 thousand a year(starting pay)to 98 thousand a year (median) laughing at you people who think your an independent young adult..so while your independent kid is still renting, i'll be a down payment on a house, and investing in a business such as a tow truck which at least is another 20 to 30 thousand a year..so go right ahead and say what you want but you have to judge every individual for who they are, because not everyone is the same. my advice? learn what profit and loss means, and learn what it means to be financially free, everyone on here sounds like the "poor dad" from Robert Kiyosaki book lol wake up people, capitalism rules America so all opportunists take notes, i just gave you the blueprint..

It's not just adults who don't want to leave the nest. It's the parents who want their adult children to stay. Some parents desperately want their adult child to stay with them, and do not support the adult moing out.

On a psychology website, there should be people who understand how damaging controlling parents with personality disorders are. An adult child stays with their parents, because they feel trapped. It's just like an abused women that's too scared to leave her husband. I feel like many people don't understand why some adults put their parents' feelings before their own.

I stayed with my mom because I felt guilty. She would cry, yell, say how I'm ruining her life, how I'm a bad daughter..you get the hint. I was held "emotional hostage." When I did leave, I had to learn not to give into her guilt. My mom desperately tried to stop me, but I knew I had to go.

Excuses, excuses! College debt and a poor economy may be the reasons why kids tell themselves they can't move away from home, but I don't buy it! The world has always been a scary place full of uncertainties and struggle (Think of the Great Depression and the choices people made to survive). When I graduated from college years ago, I had big loans and took a job in human services with a salary of not even $20,000/year. Sure it was very hard. I had a roommate; I had used furniture; I drove a used car for many years;I didn't travel or spend lots of money on alcohol or clothes. But the difference was, I did not expect it to be any different (I wasn't use to a certain lifestyle). I expected to struggle towards independence and self-reliance, and I feel very proud of myself for surviving the hard times. It is quite possible that the young adults in this generation are terrified of the struggle and do not even posess the skills to cope. There is nothing wrong with going home for a short time to get on your feet. There is something wrong with staying there for years because you're afraid of the hard stuff. Parents have done a huge disservice in not supplying their kids with the skills to tackle life's struggles. Shameful!

Eh, I hear alot of people in my generation makes excuses for living at home or being in debt. I think it's a load of crap.

The reason they have such high student loan debt is usually because they spent too much on college. Instead of going to a state school with residency tuition, or a community college, they go to a private or out of state school for the "experience" or "college life" there. They might transfer all over the place and changed majors a bunch of times too, only exacerbating the problem. They might get a degree in something interesting but mostly useless, or they think that their degree can't get them a job and don't apply themselves right. So they get out, think that they have no skills, and instead of getting decent job, they go BACK to school for a grad or law degree and rack up even more debt. Then they get out, realize that they have to still start in an entry level job, and move home.

Our parents and grand parents went to school wherever they could afford to go, and only rich(er) folks went to private schools. A rare few got advanced degrees. When they got out, they got a job where ever in the country they could. People in Gen X and Y want to live in the city of their choice, job opportunities or living costs be damned, so finding a job is that much harder since they limit their own options.

As for living on your own, our parents and grandparents would live in whatever cheap, reasonably livable apartment they could find, and didn't expect to have some really nice place right away. Our generation expects so much more. A cool neighborhood, an apartment that is furnished as nice as mom and dads house, etc.
They think rent is too high because they expect way too much. Mom and dads is easy and nicer than what they can find, so they give up and stay home.

I'm a recent college graduate who's living at home to save money. It's cheaper. I intend to move out when a) I'm tired of my parents or b) when my GF graduates college, whatever comes first. Living at home is giving me a great opportunity to pay off some of my loans.

While slowing down adulthood for me, I don't see it as stunting my growth. This is an invaluable opportunity to learn from them when I do move out.