Living the Questions

Finding peace in uncertain times.

A Myth about Men that Can Kill Your Relationship

“I just don’t understand men,” Susan moaned to her best friend, Helen, over lunch. “Every time I try to talk to Jim about something the least bit emotional, I get the impression he wants to point the remote control at me and push the mute button." Sound familiar? It doesn't have to be like this. Read More

I will tell you the sad part

The sad part is that in the very beginning of the relationship the woman will be attracted to the man that displays the qualities you describe then once the relationship takes a foothold. She will be repulsed by the exact same qualities that attracted her.

It seems that a man that is capable of the qualities that women say they want don't even stand a chance of getting their foot in the door.

Sometimes I just wish women would make up our minds for us and stick to it. The push/pull is just sickening!

Works both ways

Both men and women come to dislike the qualities they loved at first, as the relationship goes on. This particular point is really not specific to either sex.

the biological imperative

kicks in and both sexes want to move on and reproduce with somebody knew. Oxytocin wears off for both men and women.

I have become "repulsed" as you say, by a man who I was wildly in love with in the beginning. It wasn't anything he did or said that started to repulse me. He is a wonderful man. I just didn't want to have sex with him any more and that was our only real reason for being together. Unfortunately, it has happened to me -- where they've left me -- more times than the other way around. I don't blame men.

A fault in your reasoning

The reason men are encouraged to learn women's language is because women *already* speak men's language, ie. doing, and yet are not heard at all. Women take care of the house, of the kids, of the man's laundry, and of a thousand other things, because they love their man and their kids.

But do they receive any acknowledgement from their man that this counts as "showing love"? Most often, nope.

So if women already speak men's language and yet don't get rewarded for it, then why should they reward men for speaking only men's language?

As you say: there is a time to act and a time to talk - but women already do both, while men don't.

Two Way Street

"Women take care of the house, of the kids, of the man's laundry, and of a thousand other things, because they love their man and their kids"

Okay, who is primarily paying the mortgage? If it's the man, it sounds like helping around the house would be an adequate trade. Does the woman mainly stay at home? If so, why is it any surprise that she is around the kids more often? Did the woman volunteer to do the laundry? If not, it sounds like both people need to communicate, not just the man. And a thousand other things, really? I'm sure you wouldn't like to hear a man say "Men pay for the house, pay for the kids, fix everything around the house, do all the heavy lifting, and a thousand other things" because it would come across as sexist and ignorant.

I'm not sure who you're addressing

but yes, if the man is paying the mortgage and the woman is not working, it is a fair trade. My mother out-earns my dad 4-1 and still does a lot of the housework. He fixes the cars and mows the lawn. She fixes his dinner and gets him a beer. They seem happy.

When you don't recognize that there are situations where women pay the mortgage and "do a lot of the heavy lifting" it is you who sounds sexist and ignorant? Some women are complete bitches who totally destroy men's lives. Does this make all women that way? Some men hit and hurt women physically and are complete dicks who totally destroy women's lives. Does this make all men that way?

Can we not just speak in generalities and not get called out for it every single time????? The point of the quote you put in is that women do a lot just out of love. So do men. She forgot to say that but it doesn't mean she doesn't realize it.

This doesn't make any sense.

"Okay, who is primarily paying the mortgage? If it's the man, it sounds like helping around the house would be an adequate trade."

Have you forgotten that this article is about the different ways of showing love? So when I mention that women also ACT to show their love, it is completely irrelevant to bring in who pays the mortgage. Love is not something which can be bought with money.

"I'm sure you wouldn't like to hear a man say "Men pay for the house, pay for the kids, fix everything around the house, do all the heavy lifting, and a thousand other things" because it would come across as sexist and ignorant."

... You're not making any sense! Or are you REALLY arguing that men who pay for stuff are OWED love from their wife O.o ??

Also? Get with the times. A lot of women work outside of home, and it's becoming increasingly common for the women to be the ones to bring in most of the money.

Just reminds me of Marg

Just reminds me of Marg Gungor's "A Tale of Two Brains."

A woman presents a problem, the man tries to fix it. We talk about our problems when we need help fixing them.

Don't try to fix her, 'cause if you try to fix her, she's gonna kill ya!

Sometimes it's the other way around

I like talking about relationships and feelings more than my wife. She is more action-oriented. When we go out for a romantic candlelight dinner at a restaurant, I'm invariably the one who says, "Can't we just sit here a little longer, enjoy an after-dinner coffee and just talk?"

Finally!

I've suspected that therapists have biased their sessions towards women's preferred communications styles for years. Not out of malice, but out of the often-subtle WAW (women are wonderful) effect that impacts both male and female professionals.

In addition, men have been socialized that last 30 years plus to learn and adopt female communication styles. Now, thanks to articles like this, we have the beginnings of what I see as a correction - an adjustment that acknowledges that male communication tendencies are as valid and worthwhile as female.

HOPELESS

It seems like a hopeless situation to me. Love dies after a while and then there is the sameness of it all. It takes work and commitment to make love live and even then it is a work in progress.

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Dr. Barbara Markway, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist with over twenty years of experience. She is the author of four popular psychology books and has been featured in media nationwide.

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