Living Single

The truth about singles in our society.

Ditch the Fairytale – and Monogamy?

The author of “Screw the Fairytale” has a thing or two to say about our obsession with romantic partners. For example: Why just one at a time? Why assume everyone wants one? What’s with the assumption that if you have a serious relationship partner, you are going to live with that person? Read More


Something tells me having mutliple lovers at one time is never gonna be a problem for Bella.

Head Games

You can live your life as you like but some of us truly want a monogamous life partner. I hear women all the time crying over getting dumped and saying things like "but he said all the right things. Then he just humped me and dumped me"

Let me tell ya folks that I am a very nice looking man and financially stable. Women are more subtle than men are because of slut shaming but they are just as guilty of "saying all the right things. Then humping and dumping a man"

Yes it is ok to be alone and screw lots of different people. Keep people in rotation if you want to but leave people like me alone. Everyone even WOMEN need to stop the lies just to get a piece of ass because someone is hot.

I believe most people call it HEAD GAMES

Neil, you're absolutely

right. People should be honest about what they want. I too have been humped and dumped (in my 20s). Doesn't happen to me now because I tell men up front what I want and what I'm looking for. Some are honest and take off, and some are good with it and stick around. I only have one lover at a time, though and I think that is what Diaz is saying. She isn't talking about keeping a roster of rotating lovers...not from what I've read of her, anyway.

I'm the same way. I have male friends for dinners, or tennis, or wine tasting and others for trips, or movies, etc.

Like you say, to each their own...but honesty most definitely is best in affairs of the heart.

In spite of everything, I've still a romantic heart

It's too bad we can't all know what's best for us, and then feel comfortable living that.

Personally, I was married over 30 years (recently separated). We had two big problems that haunted us the whole time - and eventually caused our demise (poor communication and very mismatched libidos - plus some very bad luck thrown in). But I was never one of those wives that tired of her husband. I loved him and desired him the whole time. (And I don't think he tired of me, so much as he just always had a different idea of what a marriage should be. Or he was tired of me right off the bat - it's hard to say, lol.)

I still prefer to be intimate with someone I'm in love with. I'm one of those people that loves with my whole self - and I'm not willing to share the object of that love (that much I know).

It's just the way I am, although I think the odds of me having a happy-ever-after at this point are rather poor.

I'm a romantic at heart as well

I think most of us humans, if we're normal that is, are mostly romantics. We all want the fairy tale and why not? It is a FAIRY TALE for crissake! It is a happily ever after and who in their right mind wants unhappily ever after.

I agree with the author on the simplicity of just accepting reality. No one gets a fairy tale. We don't know what's in store for Kate Middleton but I think she's more down to earth and accepting of the negatives of the royal family than Diana was and so I think she'll fair pretty well unless something bad happens that is out of her control. None of us knows what life has in store.

From what you described you had a great 30 years. So it came to an end. That is not a failure in my opinion. It was a successful marriage that lasted 30 years, right? Going any further would've been counterproductive so you two chose not to, right? I think that's pretty great. Now, you can choose what you want to do within the confines of reality. Us over 50 gals aren't usually the hot new things on the market. I have found, however, that there are a lot of men who have a lot to give who are looking for friendship and companionship with older women because we don't "cause as much drama." That's how one of my young lovers put it to me. We had a great 2 years together and we still talk occasionally. This makes me melancholy sometimes, but I always try to realize that if I hadn't handled it the way I did, I wouldn't have had a minute with this young man to think back on. All good things must come to an end, right? If we look at it that way, instead of requiring permanence then we lead a richer fuller life, IMHO.

Good luck to you and I hope you find a great new path to explore!


Yeah... from the sounds of it, that book is not so much about the joy of being single as it is the joy of being a slut.

and your point is...??

So you just want to repeat the slut shaming cliché? We're all aware of that juvenile view.

I think it's healthy

The point seems to be that people aren't buying into the fairy tale any more, and they're open to different ways of being and making families, if they want to. I think it's healthy to experiment and to thing and talk about alternatives, so if you choose a traditional family, that's a choice and not a default that you'll probably wake up miserable in a few years from now. There's less judgment for those who choose alternatives. There is always an awkward phase during every advance of social progress; we'll come out of this era enlightened, and the generation to follow will take their freedom of choice for granted.

The reality is...

at given point in history you will find people with multiple lovers and people living in diverse family arrangements. What's changing now is the attitude toward this reality. It used to be that your social environment forced you into some type of sexual or family situation, and some people have always rebelled against or ignored the social powers that forced those situations. Now we are asking the question, What is the right sexual/family situation for me? And people are demanding respect for their own private answers to this question.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., is author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. She is a visiting professor at UCSB.


Subscribe to Living Single

Current Issue

Let It Go!

It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.