Living Single

The truth about singles in our society.

What to Do When You’ve Been Humiliated

Getting humiliated is universal; ways of coping are not.

I wonder whether anyone gets through life without ever feeling utterly humiliated. I kind of doubt it. So what should you do when it happens to you? Humiliation can feel so intensely painful and debilitating that all advice for dealing with it may seem futile. Maybe in those early moments, it is hard to do anything but wallow in your own distress. Perhaps, though, there are some useful tips out there.

One of the most celebrated scholars in contemporary psychology, Robert J. Sternberg, recently experienced one of those humiliations (though he calls it a “career crisis”). He wrote about it, and two previous career crises, in the Chronicle of Higher Education, and shared the lessons he thinks we all can learn from some of our most painful life experiences. Here I’ll provide the brief version of Sternberg’s 10 Lessons, then add some thoughts of my own.

Sternberg’s 10 Tips for Dealing with Humiliation

One of the fascinating aspects of reading about Sternberg’s career crises is that Sternberg is one of those professionals who, in many ways, has been amazingly successful. Want to think about intelligence in a much broader way than many scholars had done in the past? Sternberg’s your guy. What about love? Want to get beyond the gauzy sentimentality and really think about the different kinds of meaning that love can have? That’s Sternberg, again. As is true for just about anyone who has gotten so much attention, he also has his critics. But he has also collected just about every major award the profession of psychology has had to offer. He is a Stanford PhD, has taught at Yale, and has served at various universities as dean and provost and president.

Most recently, he was hired to be the President of the University of Wyoming. It seemed to be a very big deal for that university to land him. They spent tons of money recruiting him, and then lots more to hire him. And it all came tumbling down in a matter of months, as Sternberg resigned amidst a flurry of recriminations and bad feelings.

Sternberg’s first tip is to realize that all sorts of people have had experiences as bad as yours – or even worse – and they may be some of the people you least expect.

  1. Realize you are not alone. “If you can find people who have had a similar crisis to your own, talk to them.”
  2. You have to be resilient, not just smart. Sometimes what separates successful people from those who fail is not talent, but the willingness to keep coming back after terrible setbacks, rather than giving up.
  3. Most of the time, it’s nothing personal. Success is often about a fit between you and a particular place or situation. If you don’t fit, don’t take it personally – just move on to a better fit.
  4. Learn from the experience.
  5. Seek out a support network to help you move on.
  6. Use any downtime you have to do something you really enjoy.
  7. Think twice before striking back. “Your cause may be just. But the more relevant question is whether plotting your revenge is the best use of your time, energy, reputation, and likely, money. Wouldn’t it be wiser to focus on plotting a new future for yourself?”
  8. Don’t hide. “You need to affirm for people, and perhaps for yourself, who you are and what you stand for. And you need to show people that the crisis has not destroyed you…”
  9. View the crisis as an opportunity. For example, you can use it as an opportunity to pursue something you love.
  10. Move on. Don’t wallow in your humiliation. Plan for the future.

I think there’s a lot of wisdom in Sternberg’s words. Still, I think the road to recovery is probably different for different people. For example, some may really need time just to hide out and be by themselves, and not even talk to potential sources of support, before regrouping and moving on.

More importantly, sometimes the humiliating experience you have endured is not just about you – it is something many other people have experienced, too, maybe at the hands of the same people. But there can be a sort of “pluralistic ignorance,” whereby no one realizes that their own personal experiences are not just theirs alone, because no one is talking or sharing. Or maybe the person doing the humiliating is a powerful and threatening person, and no one dares to stand up to that person…until the first person finally does. Then all sorts of people who had felt humiliated and intimidated come out from hiding and say that yes, this has happened to me, too. The Chris Christie situation may be a case in point.

Sometimes humiliation is a by-product of institutional prejudices, as when racism or sexism or ageism or singlism is built right into the structure of our laws, or part of the unquestioned traditions of a workplace. I don’t follow football much (I used to in high school), but the Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin story seems to fit the narrative. Has Martin been the target of racist slurs, or were his experiences typical of clubhouse banter? (Or both.) How should he respond?

I think a case can be made that those who feel threatened, insulted, and humiliated should stand up to the people who are treating them unfairly, not just for their own sake, but for the sake of all the others who have been similarly mistreated. Sternberg is right, though – that can be very risky and costly, and not just financially. Victims can easily become re-victimized in the nastiest ways – even when they are totally right about their complaints.

Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., is author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. She is a visiting professor at UCSB.


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