Living Single

What you've described in your article is what I've experienced all along as a single, unattached person. Once your friends have a partner, you just don't hear from them as much and they don't always made an effort at spending time with you. It's worse when your friends get married. When you go to their wedding, you're essentially saying good bye to them. Not that I ever expected things to be the same, and I appreciate the fact that relationships take time and energy. The worse experience that I ever had was with a long time friend who married, and never wanted to just get together for an hour or two alone with me. She told me that she was part of a "package"! I'm no longer friends with her. I think that I never married because I've seen too many women, in particular, giving up too much of themselves for the same of a "relatonship"; i.e., friends, time with family, support system... No one person can ever provide everything. I think that's part of all the breakups that we're seeing; people are realizing that they've put too much stock in what marriage can truly provide.

I just saw on one of CNN news reports about the recession that Julie Savitt, 40 something with 3 children found herself divorced and had to start a dump truck business to survive. In 2011, Julie Savitt of AMS Earth Movers, Inc. was awarded NAWBO Chicago Woman Business Owner of the Year.

Also, I viewed with great interest one of the shows, the DoctorsTV.com (Sept. 2011) that Sue wanted (and needed) a facelift after her 21 year marriage ended. She told the doctors she lost weight, and the stress of the divorce itself aged her also. So she paid for and had a full facelift, plus laser surgery. sue's own daughter spoke about how she saw her mother aged fast and was sad was well ill during the divorce. Ugh.

Single in Arkansas

One day I am going to find a library that has the Journal of Marriage and Family, and I am going to spend an afternoon reading. I can tell that it has the potential to be a favorite.

The Journal of Marriage and Family claims:Journal of Marriage and Family publishes research and theory, research interpretation and reviews, and critical discussion on all aspects of marriage, close relationships, and families. It is a journal of the National Council on Family Relations.

The other group that I am enjoying immensely these days is the Marriage Project, more specifically its director, Bradford Wilcox. The Marriage Project claims: The Project’s mission is to provide research and analysis on the health of marriage in America, to analyze the social and cultural forces shaping contemporary marriage, and to identify strategies to increase marital quality and stability.

These organizations have the right to exist and study whatever they wish. However, I see that Dr. Bella DePaulo takes the same attitude that I do in some of my research; The very data that those who oppose you collects can often be used to bolster your position. Why do your own research when those that sit on the opposite side of an issue are already spending the time, money and effort to beautifully prove your point?

In this case, the JOMAF did some serious work to find out whether ubercoupling is insular and isolating temporarily during the beginning of a marriage. Perhaps they wanted to say, "Hey peeps, its all okay. The extreme marital togetherness is just a phase, you can have your friends and family back after a few years of marriage and then your married life will be wonderful." Instead they found that the isolation lasts at least more than 6 years.

Moving on to the Marriage Project. This was an organization that years ago proudly proclaimed that married people earned more than their single counterparts. However, after finally looking at the data more thoroughly they found that educated upper-middle class white people are the demographic most likely to get married but also the same demographic that are most likely to earn more money than any other, so it wasn't the act of getting married that guaranteed the income, it was the education and employer bias toward hiring educated white people. Bradford Wilcox has begrudgingly started to admit these findings, not because he's a huge advocate for the Marriage Project but somewhere deep within that man's psyche and his interest in statistics he's just not a liar. (I suspect Dr. Wilcox's tenure at the Marriage Project to be shortened considerably in the near future).

The more these pro-family and pro-marriage groups insist on using respected 3rd-party peer review data gatherers and statisticians the more they are going to be shooting themselves in the foot. Dr. DePaulo has turned several of pro-marriage assumptions like earning money, happiness, marital isolation, volunteerism and mortality on their head using the data these organizations willingly provide.

Quite frankly I'd like to see some further study on this business about how the pro-marriage groups claim that married people are healthier than unmarried people. I'm 50 and female. I'd like to know if anyone else has ever noticed this beside me, when I walk into a room I can spot a married woman across the room and I can also spot the always-single woman as well. The married woman looks like Mrs. Claus, she's overweight, has poor-posture, has short gray hair and has no sense of style. The always-single 50 year old female is slim, stand erect and fashionably dressed. I'm not trying to be biased here, this is just what I have noticed. There is no way that married people can be healthier than always-single people.

I've definitely seen my friends get married and just vanish. I also notice that women who have been married 10+ years seem to want to reconnect and have a lot of girlfriend time.

Here's another thought to consider. I have a few married friends whom I will invite to do things with me and they will ask if I mind if their spouse comes along. It is usually presented to me as if they expect me to be ok with them coming along. Quite frankly, I tend to like the friend better than the spouse. In addition, the friend does not behave the same way as when the spouse comes along. Kind of annoying.....

Yes, my friends behave differently when their spouses are around too. I'm always a bit put off when I make a friend and we have a relationship for years, then they get married and suddenly the spouse is part of the package, and the spouse acts as if he/she has some ancient history with the friend that I couldn't possibly understand, even though I've known the friend many times as long as they have.
My friend just got married to a man who is a contractor and he's going to do some work on my house. I sent him an e-mail and my friend responded on his account. That is creepy to me when spouses don't keep their e-mail separate--is anyone really THAT married? When I e-mail one person, I assume privacy between me and that person. When I think about how much ranting I did about my spouse when I was married, I wouldn't have dreamed of giving him my password! I think in healthy marriages people still confide in their friends. Joint e-mail is icky, especially when it's not identified as such.

The discussion here reminds me of a previous discussion of all of those revolting Facebook status updates:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200910/world-s-most-re...

Reminds me of this post:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201109/ditched-friend-...

Once in a while you meet someone who knows the value of friendship and community, and that person will work hard to maintain connections outside their marriage. But most of the time the story is the same againa and again: get married, throw away your friends (because hey, you don't need them anymore, right?).
The ironic thing? That rare married person who tries to keep in touch with their friends will often get criticized by others for not "concentrating on their marriage" enough!!

Bella, I just happened to come across your articles and was pleased to see someone writing about these things. I am single, although I prefer to think of myself as "individual" instead. The institution of "marital status," called for in so many situations, always seems to sting a little. I think it is relevant sometimes--- like health emergency contact info--- but much of the time, it seems to be used just for demographics, for whatever bias or purpose the asker has. While marriage itself is still relevant, the request for "marital status" seems to me to be getting more and more irrelevant.

On a practical level, there are a few times when it really irks me...e.g., when membership fees are cheaper for couples. That was okay when married folks all seemed to have big families and one- parent incomes. But now---almost everyone works, and certainly two income couples with no dependents don't deserve breaks in cost more than individuals who are not married. Let's face it, if you live alone, your expenses are much higher than if you share a home with a spouse. I'm glad when organizations allow any two people to file as a couple, but I really think the breakdown should be family (>2) or individual.

I certainly note the tendency of couples to socialize with other couples. For a long time, I was the major dinner and party giver in my group of friends, and was amazed at how happily my friends would come over, but how seldom I was invited to their house. Some of that is dependent on how people see themselves as entertainers, I know. But there is definitely some marital bias going on. On the one hand, it may decrease the longer the couple is together; on the other, people tend to close the circle even more as they get older and have less energy for outsiders.

I have some dear friends who are married (in most cases, a second marriage), and who seem to have more open social boundaries, including a single woman in a threesome for traveling, etc.
Even there, I was surprised in one case where we were buying groceries on the road for the three of us, and the woman in the coupling automatically assumed we would split the cost two ways--1/2 for the two of them, and 1/2 for me (and I am not a bigger eater than either of them!). They were seeing themselves as a unit, rather than two mouths to feed. How strange, I thought.

I have to say, that I enjoy mixed company, and the presence of men in my life. It always gives me a bit of the shivers when I see a group of middle-aged or older women traveling or socializing together. I notice my own prejudice and assumptions, as I think "I don't want to be thought of that way." I would like nothing better than for me and everybody else to stop having such notions, and just see people having a good time.

I think the prejudice toward single people, especially someone who has been single for a long time, is real and very ingrained. It has slipped by despite all the other prejudices uncovered in recent years. I think it is time to have a "Status-Free" movement. I wouldn't call it single, or marital. I'd just say status-free, and base any further inquiries on true necessity.