Over at Single Edition, I read a story by a mother who sounds angry at her daughter-in-law and hurt by her son. Here's an excerpt:
"In my book, A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife: How Toxic Daughters-in-Law Destroy Families, I dealt with the way some narcissistic women uproot their husbands from the husbands' parents and siblings when they marry. They demand exclusivity of their mates' time, energy, and affections, and, by hook or by crook, pry the mates away from family members who were once very important to them."
The author, Anne Killinger, wants to recoup the affections of her son, and I doubt she is going to succeed by publishing a book about how his miserable wife stole him from her. So never mind about the specifics of this particular example. And let's also set aside instances in which one spouse or another truly is pathological, and not just branded as such by an irate parent.
What interests me about this is how individual experiences map onto what could be a bigger cultural phenomenon. The author believes that when two people marry, their social circles should increase, as they welcome one another's family and friends into their expanded social network. Instead, her son withdrew into an insular twosome with his wife.
Those who espouse the supposedly transformative powers of marriage often make a similar argument: When people marry, their social horizons broaden. The problem is that the data are not always so cooperative. I've written before about the national surveys showing that adults who have always been single are more likely to visit, call, or write their siblings and parents, and to socialize with friends or neighbors, than are adults who are currently married. (The previously married are in between.) Always-single adults are also more likely than married adults to provide emotional or practical support to parents, siblings, friends, and neighbors.
In previous posts here and at All Things Single, I've focused on the slighting of single friends by people who become seriously coupled. The mad mom's tale reminds me that it may not be just friends who are nudged to the side. And, my reaction to that essay - hey, it is not (just) personal that your son seems to be shunning you, it's cultural - reminds me that the same may be true when couples ignore the people they once regarded as good friends. Maybe it is not (just) personal, it's cultural.
I think the phenomenon (sometimes called "greedy marriage," because couples want all of the time and attention and affection for themselves) is probably especially difficult for those who straddle different cultural eras. The "intensive coupling" that is commonplace today (though hardly characteristic of all couples) is a relatively recent practice. If you can remember a time when married couples were more expansive, and you expected your kids or friends to be that way, too, then their retreat to we-are-onedom must be particularly painful.
