Living Single

Hymowitz starts by describing one of the mileposts of adulthood as being financially stable. But later she states that one of the reasons for this supposed delayed development is that young men today are financial stable, that this "extended adolescence" is only for the well-off. Yet in another part of the article she complains that young men aren't doing as well as women in getting the college degrees she says is necessary for such financial stability. Kind of hard to tell if she thinks young men have problems because they don't have enough money, or because they do. And then there's the anecdotal evidence, stories of women complaining that they aren't able to meet any good men. Not exactly a new finding, and something that doesn't really constitute evidence.

But as Bella said, it's pretty obvious that this is prejudiced garbage, you don't exactly have to perform a careful analysis to conclude that. It's more interesting to consider what the motivations are.

Is it a change in the usual criticism of singles, focusing more on men now than women? I'm not sure we have enough evidence to prove any trend. Discussions of singlehood focus overwhelmingly on single women. Given how little discussion there is of single men, any increase, even a small one, would tend to look significant by comparison. But I'm not sure we're seeing a new trend here.

If you read Hymowitz's Daily Beast entry you see that she reverts to the tried and true comfort food of all things wrong with the world: What is so very wrong with single men is clearly the fault of single women.

First, as a single woman, I don't see any problem with single men and I don't see too many single men ruminating about their nonproblems. Second, I think is is very satisfying to think that if I did have a life problem that I could find some demographic with which I had hardly any interaction and blame ALL my issues on this group. Not getting enough sex? My problem is all single women. Not earning enough money? Single women. Coffee table dirty? Single women. My bad attitude? Single women. Too many star wars figurines? Single women. Obsessed with porn? Single women. If you are man who is buying into this I suggest perhaps looking in the mirror first.

The point Hymowitz et al. are conveying is if women would just learn to tolerate men's constant need for sex, stoic non-communicative behavior, slovenly life choices, reduced earning power, insistence on dating only supermodels then the genders could all get along much better.

Frankly guys, I think you are doing just fine and don't need a major overhaul. I'm seeing way too much of this divide-and-conquer from the promarriage set, simply pit the single men against the single women and the matrimaniacs can emerge victorious. Marriage good Single bad.

There is already plenty of man bashing in popular culture. Since more men are now single, there will be more single man bashing in the media. It's also assumed that it's the man who's reluctant to commit and women are always dying to get married. It makes sense to me.

Kay wants an ATM machine husband now
Young men say no
Kay stomps foot, angrily

What lessons do you think you could be internalizing with all the reports of these men who get busted cheating on their wives....or leaving their wives and the next shot you see him in a picture looking happier than ever?

He thinks most likely (in spite of maybe some longing to couple and nurture. but you know the whole "men can compartmentalize" thing?) Why get married?! Looks like I will end up unhappy and bored with any woman after a few years. Hell I don't even need to consider "legacy" until I'm about 50 these days. And at 50, these guys are in now way looking to his peer group to procreate, for obvious reasons!

So, tell women, where does that leave them, knowing that these young men aren't really planning family lives until their 50's?

This is a subtle cultural change but it's happening and although there are plenty of decent men who don't act/feel this way, plenty do and most have no clue this is running in their personal mental backgrounds!

Satoshi Kanazawa, who I find a little weird, did do one good thing by revealing that the most brilliant scientists fell off the map if they got married. Single men are not puerile, they are brilliant.

Interesting discussion. Completely unfair to men. There sweeping generalisation about how we single men are is just nonsense.

Women have a problem and they have to solve it. That's what infuriates them - they no longer feel the power over men because we can happily choose to live a life of a single.

Women have to understand there there is competition out there and just having an attractive body isn't enough. I don't see may woman who are intelligent enough to compare with me, spiritual enough, enough fun, enough open-minded, enough elegant, enough mature, enough confident (I mean really confident, not just cocky or arrogant bitches), on and on and on...

Wake up women and do something to improve your condition so you can become more attractive to us!

I won't speak to the stereotypes and over-generalizations, but I will say that my experience with overgrown boys is tiring. No woman dreams of being with a guy who spends all his time glued to video games or sports, who prefers porn to a human relationship, who is consumed with hobbies and toys.

My married friends take care of their husbands almost like they are one of the children, with no reciprocal concern for their wants or needs. I've been there: sacrificing and working hard while the man revels in play time. I didn't want to marry a selfish child who refuses to be an adult.

A loving partnership where both people take care of each other doesn't sound like such a difficult thing. But the pool of grown men capable of adult relationships seems...more like a puddle.

First off, it is ridiculous when someone paints half of the population as exactly the same. It reminds me of when a politician uses the phrase "This is what the American people want." Really Senator, or just the ones of your party?

I guess I didn't read the latest newsletter from the He-Man Woman Hater's Club telling me how I am supposed to behave towards women. Too busy getting high and playing video games I guess.

Barbara Ehrenreich wrote a great book about the male flight from marriage titled, "The Hearts of Men." This was published back in 1983. If anything, this phenomena of men staying single longer is old news. And the "Playboy Lifestyle" was popularized by Hugh Hefner back in the '50's.

Apparently Kay is still holding fast to Erikson's stages of development and the corresponding levels of maturity. Men who are mature and responsible get married and have children. Those who don't are emotionally stunted and immature.

These ideas were refuted nearly thirty years ago. Current economic shifts and gender equality have rendered them even more obsolete. Stop trying to shove modern men and women into this old paradigm. Now if you excuse me, I am going go watch another episode of "Doctor Who."

I love how these people correlate men's interests with their level of maturity. My late husband and I were married with a child by the time we were in our late 20s. He was supremely responsible, a great, involved father, and did more housework than I ever dreamed of doing--and he also played video games, read comic books, collected action figures, and enjoyed various other "puerile" entertainments literally until the day he died. You don't have to sit around reading Shakespeare and debating current events to be a responsible adult.

P.S. And you don't have to be married, either!

Where can I meet a man who enjoys comic books and sci fi collectibles and nerdplay (a bit like Seth Rogen's character in, well, all his films really)? They're fun! They're creative!

Guys around my age (over 40 - but you know men in their 60s assume they can date 15 years below them), they're horribly racist and have no thoughts in their heads other than pension plans and property prices. Plus they come with baggage, usually meaning bitterness towards women in general.

In my line of work (I'm a hooker) I meet guys who want to know why I'm not married. @@

I refrain from asking them why they ARE married yet still visit hookers.

Does Hymowitz really suggest, let alone prove, that the 'milestones of adulthood' she's lamenting the loss of really existed? Maybe the milestones existed in paper and fantasy, but were those husbands and fathers really all that superior to today's men simply because they had the credentials of adulthood on their resumes?

In my own family, my paternal grandfather and father were abusive self-absorbed tyrants who certainly left a legacy written on their milestones. My maternal grandfather was killed in a car crash with his mistress in the late 1930 leaving an impoverished widow and three small children as his legacy of adulthood. My maternal grandmother married an alcoholic in the mid-50's and struggled through that nightmare until his death 25 years later. Kay really needs to look at the men of past generations a little more carefully before she gold-plates and silver-lines their lives.

And her 'not so long ago' nostalgia, please! Not so long ago any number of horrible and unjust legal and social conditions existed in this country. The list is quite extensive. Does a female Jewish author not realize that not so long ago her life would be quite different in this country than it is today? Duh. She enjoys all the benefits and freedoms of today with an astounding blindness to the discrimination of the past.

Whenever someone spews prejudiced opinions about a group based on their race or gender they are asking for trouble. I have two guesses as to why this Kay Hymowitz person would do it. First, she probably knows very few single men and is just going on what she sees on tv (afterall there are many responsible single (and married) men and many unresponsible single (and married) men, just like there are many responsible single and married women and many unresponsible single and married women), and, 2nd, she is probably trying to be controversial for she can sell some books. In my view it looks like her book is just her skewed opinion. In either case I would have no reason to read this person's book.

I really think I have to stop reading about stuff like this for a while. It's just so depressing to hear about all the negative, horrible things people say about entire groups of people they really know nothing about. I just can't take it anymore.