Four Uses for a Wedding Gown

Do you think wedding gowns are only for wedding days? Nonsense! You aren't watching enough TV. Here are four more uses I discovered this summer.

1. I see a counter that looks sparklingly clean. But suddenly someone enters the kitchen and places her wedding gown on that counter. Everyone panic! Maybe there is a residue of dust so fine that it cannot be seen by the naked eye. Use #1 of a wedding gown: To sell paper towels. Because you never know when someone is going to put a wedding gown on your counter top.

2. Mom is sitting in a chair crossing and uncrossing her legs. She is distressed that this should happen to her at this crucial moment. The moment? Her daughter is trying on a wedding gown. Use #2 of a wedding gown: To sell meds that make you pee less often. Because if mom takes a moment for a bathroom break, the wedding gown will no longer be there when she returns.

3. Nervous young groom-to-be is talking to the father of the bride-to-be. The father mentions something about how his daughter will look in white. Nervous groom says, "I'm not sure Tiffany should be dressed in white." Having put his foot in his mouth, he now needs a moment, and pulls out a Twixt bar. Use #3 of a wedding gown: To sell candy bars.

4. A bride is at a convenience store, crying into a pay phone. She is assured, though, that everything is going to be fine, because Keystone Light is available. Use #4 of a wedding gown: To sell beer.

What uses have you found for wedding gowns?

Seriously, I understand the use of brides and wedding themes in advertisements for jewelry and tuxedos. But pee medication? Candy bars? These are all examples of what I call matrimania.