A while back, a reader posted a comment asking me why I do what I do. Why do I write this blog, do research on singles, write books and articles about singles? It has been on my list to write a post addressing that question, and I still may do so. For now, I'll answer it in parts, drawing from specific examples that illustrate my various motivations.
I was compelled to put everything else aside and write this post because of this email I just received:
Hi,
I read the article by Leanne Italie which you praised and evidently agree with. I want to offer a different opinion.
I strongly doubt many singles are happy. Most who claim they are, IMO, are either putting on a brave front to save face, or are still closeted homosexuals. I have been single all my life, and have been very lonely. I never wanted to be alone. It is inconceivable to me that a woman would choose to live her life alone, without a spouse to love, children, and grandchildren, and a larger family. If there is a more profound biological imperative, especially for a woman, it is to find a mate and have children. To find meaning and connection. Every aspect of our being cries out for that. It is wrapped in many layers, the inner most layer being the sex act itself, and surrounded by successive layers of infatuation, romance, connection, caring, giving and receiving, of family. Single life offers little or none of this except furtively and illegitimately. We moderns are under a collective delusion, that we are suddenly free from this hard wired imperative. The fads of modern psychology, media, politics deludes us to think ourselves very clever. But we only fool ourselves into buying their bill of goods, leaving us desolate and alone in old age. Many a woman finds out only too late that her career is scant reward for having no spouse, children, family and a lonely old age. Personally I have never met a single woman who was happy with that status, except in the transient condition of recent divorce trauma or other pathological situation.
How do you justify the position of Leanne when viewed in the larger context of biological realism?
A Reader
I've been hearing arguments like this for decades. Dispelling these kinds of myths is one of my major motivations for doing what I do. Still, seeing all of this singlism and all of these misperceptions captured in just one paragraph, in the year 2010 - it took my breath away. This reader has presented the earnest version of all of the myths I described mockingly in the chapter titles of Singled Out (for example, about single women: "Your work won't love you back").
I don't doubt the reader's own loneliness, her report of her deep unhappiness with single life, or her yearning to be married and have children. But it is just so disheartening that she cannot accept that other single people can have very different experiences of single life, including genuine contentment and happiness. What's more, she describes not just skepticism about the lives of single people who like their single lives, but she derogates those people (myself included) with insults such as furtive, illegitimate, desolate, fooling ourselves, pathological, and more.
Next time someone tells you that there are no prejudices against people who are single, show them this post.
I suggested to the reader that she read Singled Out, Single with Attitude, and this Living Single blog. If you are so inclined, post your comments and perhaps she will read them. This is probably an appropriate place for me to say thank you to all of the readers of this blog - your own contributions help to push back on this person's way of thinking.
The email writer's nod to "imperatives" reminded me of an article that was written in response to a paper I wrote with Wendy Morris. The article was called "The evolution of coupling," by Elizabeth Pillsworth and Martie Haselton. Perhaps some of you will be interested in the entire special issue of the journal in which the paper appeared. I am especially fond of the special issue because I think it was a big step forward in putting the study of singles on the map. Wendy Morris and I wrote a target article, "Singles in society and in science," and then the editors, Leonard Martin and Ralph Erber, invited responses from scholars in psychology, sociology, political science, and economics. Here is the table of contents.
PSYCHOLOGICAL INQUIRY
2005, Volume 16, Numbers 2 & 3
TARGET ARTICLE
Singles in society and in science, by Bella M. DePaulo and Wendy L. Morris
COMMENTARIES
- Caught in the cultural lag: The stigma of singlehood, by Anne Byrne and Deborah Carr
- Singles, society, and science: Sociological perspectives, by Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox
- The evolution of coupling, by Elizabeth G. Pillsworth and Martie G. Haselton
- Marital status as stimulus variable and subject variable, by Kenneth L. Dion
- The myth of marital bliss? By Richard E. Lucas and Portia S. Dryenforth
- The purported benefits of marriage viewed through the lens of
physical health, by Karen S. Rook and Laura A. Zettel - The contextual nature and function of singlism, by Cheryl R. Kaiser and Deborah A. Kashy
- Obliviously ostracizing singles, by Kipling D. Williams and Steve A. Nida
- Do relationship researchers neglect singles? Can we do better? By Margaret S. Clark and Steven M. Graham
- How a prejudice is recognized, by Christian S. Crandall and Ruth H. Warner
AUTHORS' RESPONSE
Should singles and the scholars who study them make their mark or stay in their place? By Bella M. DePaulo and Wendy L. Morris
[I purchased extra copies of the issue from the publisher when it first came out. If anyone would like one, email me and I will be happy to send it to you for simply the price of postage and handling. If I had a regular income, I'd cover the shipping.]
