Back from a Great Trip, I Find Smut and Singlism in My Inbox

I'm just back from giving a talk at Monterey Peninsula College (near Big Sur) where a delightful and engaged audience asked thoughtful questions and shared their experiences of single life. One person talked about how she, as a single mom, was treated differently at her daughter's day care center by the staff and the other mothers. Another told the story of a child's school teacher who asked the child's mother if anything had changed in her daughter's life, because she was behaving much differently. I thought I knew what was coming next - the parents had split and the child was acting out. Well, I was only half right. One of the parents had moved out, and the child was now doing so much better in school! It was a great illustration of the point that we shouldn't be too quick to blame divorce, and only divorce, as a problem in children's lives. Sometimes real pain is experienced by children whose parents are staying together but are constantly at each other's throats.

The director of the Gender Studies Club asked what we could do to stop singlism in its tracks, or at least slow it down a bit. Another person in the audience told me later that she is a marriage and family therapist. I loved that. As many Living Single readers have noted, our efforts to mock and stop singlism should reach beyond singles to those who are married, coupled, and undecided as well as to people who work with those populations.

I had neglected my email for a few days so it was amusing (sort of) to come back to find a variety of inappropriate pitches sent my way. These pitches typically come from people who have something to sell, and who found the word "single" associated with my name. Rather than, say, actually read a few posts to this Living Single blog, or look at Singled Out or Single with Attitude, they just substitute their own assumptions about what single people are interested in, and ask me to spread the word.

I've done lots of systematic, scientific research on misperceptions and stereotypes of single people, but some of these pitches capture the essence of those caricatures more succinctly than my journal articles. Here's just a smattering:

• The e-mail subject line says "Story Idea." The idea is that I should write a story about how to kiss, and in it I should mention their product that prevents bad breath. They add a few more "suggestions" for how to write my story (e.g., tell my readers that "no one wants to feel as though they are kissing an ashtray"), then "helpfully" add that their product is available as a spray or a ‘svelte lipstick' and it comes in cinnamon, peppermint, or spearmint flavors.
• Did I know that more and more teens are negotiating prom dates by using text messages? This solicitor is hawking some texting product, and if only I'll promote it for her in my blog, she will supply me with some fabulous stories. For example, there's "Brendan in MA who's date said ‘yes!' via photo text." (I left the grammatical error uncorrected).
• Someone associated with Match.com wants me to tell my readers about all the people who are meeting through online dating sites. Oh, and she would be happy to arrange an interview with one of Match.com's experts - the very one who sent a fellow single blogger a nasty and condescending note in response to a polite question about singles.
• Another email subject line said, "Guest post." In it is a fully-written "guest post." The "post" is actually an ad for the senders' matrimaniacal book and website. So they are deceiving me (or trying to) by pretending that they are offering me a guest post. They also want me to deceive you by publishing their essay as a blog post and not as an advertisement. Also, obviously, they want to advertise without paying for an ad.
• Another email with "story idea" in the subject line was promoting a "sexy" way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. The sender is pitching a brand of liquor, complete with a website link and pictures of pretty cocktails. Need I add that each of the cocktails has the word "pink" in its name?
• Lots more pitches for online dating websites.
• Finally, back to that trip I just took. Right before I left, I received an email from the hotel where I was staying. The subject line - sent to an ever-single person traveling solo to give a talk on singles - was "Your Upcoming Hilton Family Stay."