Today, I'm going to share a sermon from a Unitarian Universalist minister. It amazed and humbled me when I first learned that the Reverend Ann Schranz had talked to her congregation about my book, Singled Out. It took me until now to ask her if I could share her sermon with Living Single readers. Happily, she agreed. There are no footnotes or references in the version below, but you can find those on the congregation's website. Under "Sermons," look for "Singled Out" on January 6, 2008.

Singled Out: The Lives of Single People
          by Rev. Ann Schranz
Monte Vista Unitarian Universalist Congregation
          January 6, 2008

Perhaps you have heard the expression, "always a bridesmaid; never a bride"? I understand that there is a new movie coming out soon. It's called "27 Dresses," about a woman who has been a bridesmaid 27 times and has a closet filled with dresses (worn only once) to show for it. Speaking personally, I have never been a bridesmaid, nor have I ever been a bride, but for years I have been reflecting upon the institution of marriage and the reality of single life. It's hard to know whether to put "single" in quotes or not, for being legally single is one thing and being "socially" single is another (after all, many legally single people indeed have close personal relationships; they are not, in fact, "single.").

In any event, I began wrestling with this tangle of related issues in earnest as I began preparing for the ministry, given the high profile of "marriage equality" within the Unitarian Universalist movement. It feels like "wrestling" because ministers do not have the same scope of action that congregants have. Ministers have multiple roles, roles that sometimes conflict with each other, but the welfare of the congregation must be first and foremost. The trick is how to put the wellbeing of the congregation first, while still being an authentic human being who takes seriously the freedom of conscience that is part of our religious tradition. This wrestling has been enough to give me a few headaches, but over-the-counter pain relievers have gotten me through.

I invite you to laugh, chuckle, sigh, or cry at the following 10 myths about single people. The myths were collected by Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist and visiting professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara. Her new book is Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Here are the myths:

• Myth #1 - Married people know best.
• Myth #2 - You are interested in just one thing - getting coupled.
• Myth #3 - You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.
• Myth #4 - Like a child, you are self-centered and immature, and your time isn't worth anything since you have nothing to do but play.
• Myth #5 - Attention single women: Your work won't love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don't get any, and you're promiscuous.
• Myth #6 - Attention single men: You are horny, slovenly, and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or, you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous, and gay.
• Myth #7 - Attention single parents: Your kids are doomed.
• Myth #8 - You don't have anyone, and you don't have a life.
• Myth #9 - You will grow old alone, and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.
• Myth #10 - Let's give all of the perks, benefits, gifts, and cash to couples and call it family values. (Myth #10 is a reference to tax laws and employment policies which privilege married people over single people.)

DePaulo writes, "[In the mid 1950's in this country], when sex, parenting, and economic viability were all wound up together in the tight knot that was marriage, the difference between single life and married life was profound . . . marriage really was a transition to adulthood . . . Now, about half a century later, the institution of marriage remains ensconced in our laws, our politics, our religions, and our cultural imagination. But it is of little true significance as a meaningful life transition."

DePaulo notes, "Our cherished American notions about all people being created equal and deserving of the same basic civil rights and dignities - they apply mostly to married people. If you are single, your dead body is deemed less valuable. The eligible spouse of a married person receives a small amount of money from Social Security to cover funeral expenses. No such allowance is available for single people." Now, tongue in cheek, "I suppose the reasoning is that since single people don't have anyone, their dead bodies can simply be tossed into a ditch by the first stranger who discovers them . . . "

I chose this morning's topic for three primary reasons: First, the wellbeing of single people is a pastoral care issue: Americans now spend more of their adult years single than married. Second, the wellbeing of single people is a social justice issue: the ideology of marriage and family has not kept up with reality, and people are being harmed as a consequence. Third, it is hard to talk about potentially controversial topics even in a setting as religiously liberal as a Unitarian Universalist congregation. Practice makes better, if not perfect. This morning, I hope to model a respectful way of talking about a potentially controversial topic.

Here are a few numbers to provide context: By the year 2003 there were nearly 52 million Americans, ages eighteen on up, who had been single their entire lives. Nearly 22 million more were divorced, and 14 million more were widowed. Even without counting the nearly 5 million Americans who were separated in 2003, there were more than 87 million adults who were some sort of official single person, comprising more than 40 percent of all the adults in the country. "In the opening years of the twenty-first century," according to DePaulo, "single people made up about 40 percent of the workforce, purchased more than 40 percent of all homes, and contributed about $1.6 trillion to the economy"

Yet despite the prevalence of (legally) single people, according to Ms. Magazine, the Bush administration institutionalized the "marriage-only" movement as policy. "On the premise that marriage is a ‘sacred institution,' the 2005 Deficit Reduction Act allocated $100 million a year for the next five years to encourage people - especially the poor - to marry and stay married. Over a billion dollars has been spent by the federal government on abstinence-only-until-marriage sex education programs since 2000." This bothers me!