Living Single

I am so happy to find this blog. For years I thought there was something wrong with me for not being married and not having kids. For most of my adult life I have been surrounded by 1) traditionally married couples whose lives revolve around childrearing and 2) female friends desperate to be married and procreate before the curtains on that close. So I very much understand the way that others' expectations can affect one's behavior and self-image.

For years, in reaction to my single and career-minded ways, I (a woman) would get people speculating about my sexual orientation; telling me I was too masculine, then telling me I was too "much like a mother" (whatever that means), warning me that no guy wants to be with his mother; describing me as a feminist (with a sneer, of course); saying I would be a bad mother; predicting that I would never get married; advising me to accept certain masculine behaviors as "the way men are" or I would never have a good relationship with a man.

These are the same people who would expect me to be thrilled to take care of their pets while they're on vacation or babysit their kids; would invite me to sad little "orphan" Thanksgiving dinners; talk ad nauseum about their kids/marriages/fertility treatments/adoption proceedings as if we are all supposed to be as caught up in these things as they are (the attention never goes the other way, of course); try to fix me up with some horribly inappropriate person (because even a guy with obvious social problems is better than no guy); pray that I'll find someone (my family is religious).

Never once did anyone suggest that perhaps the reason "why I was still single" was because I chose not to be, that the trade-offs for living in a male-dominated home with babies aren't worth it to me, given what I want to do in my life.

Well, clearly, I very much took on that conditioning, and yet something inside of me--something truer to myself--rebelled against it, and in following that calling (no choice!) my life is unfolding in a most thrilling way. As the rewards for my different life choices come rolling in I am getting more confident that I know myself well, that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I need to defend myself against these diminishing types of exchanges with others. So I love Bella's advice about how to defuse these situations and use them as an opportunity to raise awareness. The "poor me" expressions in reaction to the pitying looks/comments just reinforce the married smugness. (It doesn't go the other way, though, when the encoupled folks want to share with you some horror from their marriage--that's a legitimate "relationship problem" that demands sympathy.)

The flip side of this--I recently became involved with a man I've known for years and years. We have a great deal of caring and respect for each other. When he told me the he is just not the marrying kind, that he needs his freedom, instead of hearing "I'm just not that into you--but I'll take what I can get out of this" (the interpretation of this statement from a matrimania point of view) I heard it for what it was: My friend telling me quite honestly who he is. All possibilities opened up for me at that point. We don't have to behave with each other in any sort of prescibed way--we get to decide how we will relate with each other.

Reactions from the marriage-minded in my life? They are ignoring this relationship as if it doesn't exist or treating it like a fly-by-night affair. That this man and I have known each other longer than they have known their own spouses means nothing. Because we aren't married.

Thanks, Psyngle!! Much appreciated!!!

Bella - I wonder if there's anything wrong with saying in a very joking way that you're married to the best person in the world - yourself!! And maybe you can also say that the best part is that you'll never have to go through a divorce etc :-)

This is just a way of adding humor/humour to the situation .... because the people ASKING aren't being too joking about it, but you can just reply in the right mood .....

Know what I mean?

Maybe you could look at this in another post - I think laughter & humor are a great way to just lighten up moods etc.

I read this blog with regularly. But find this "matrimania" quite different to my experience.

Just quickly, I am single, with 2 kids. Been single (and celibate) for 12 years. never once do my friends question the fact that I am single, it is just "me"
Awkward moments for me are group outings where a table for 8 will require a spare chair - 4 couples and me, not that I am allocated the spare chair, just that it is required.
There is none of the invite a spare bloke along, or attempts to hook me up, which suits me just fine.

But, in my dark moments, I wonder - do my friends think I am really THAT unpartnerable that they arn't even prepared to make a token effort??

I am happy being single, it works for me right now, and for all I know it might work for me for ever, but the assumption that no one would be interested in a relationship with me is far more a source of pain than any questions regarding my status.

When asked, I happily answer - Single, I don't want to share the remote control :-)

These are, hands down, some of the best responses I've seen to the "Are you married?" and "Why are you single?" questions. They may not be pithy or witty, but that's exactly why I think they're so fantastic. Sometimes you can get away with a clever quip, but when you're conversing with strangers or casual acquaintances, who are the most likely to ask these questions anyway, a one-liner can come across as rude or defensive, and I don't think that does anything to advance anyone's understanding of and tolerance toward singles. I love that these answers are both upbeat and gracious! It would be very hard to accuse someone who answered in this way of being bitter, envious, jaded, selfish, immature, or anything else that singles so often are accused of. Instead of defensiveness, these answers should inspire curiosity, interest, respect, receptivity, and hopefully empathy. Thanks so much for these, Bella! I'm going to have them at the ready.

Posts like this are so appropriate, especially for the holidays. If you're like me, your family still sticks you at the 'kids' table' because you're 'still' single. You'd mess up the seating arrangement at the adults' table.

Even my family, who knows I prefer to be single, still asks the relationship question every year, jokingly (or not) tries to set me up with people, and has even resorted to jabs about my 'not knowing anything about commitment, financial issues, or raising children'. That last one really shakes my grates...I'm a teacher! I let it roll off my back; it's the holidays, they're my family, and they eventually move on to other topics. When I speak up for myself I'm cast as the bitter, envious, jaded, etc. (great adjectives, Singletude!) single that everyone already thinks I am. So I smile and let them have their day. Some people you just can't change.

Anyway, Happy Holidays! As Bella said, celebrate the way you want, or don't celebrate at all. Whatever makes you happy!

My family doesn't dwell too much on the marriage and kids issue, but every once in a while the subject comes up. (Although my mother is always telling me I need a roommate.) The conversation ends up concluding with the other person saying in an optimistic yet condescending tone, "Maybe you'll change your mind!" That quote annoys me more than anything. Does anyone else get that question? I decided by the time I was twelve I didn't want kids and by the time I was fourteen I didn't want marriage. Before I was twelve I wanted both of those things. So actually, I did change my mind.

I also wonder if people can't understand us because we don't follow the stereotype. Maybe people expect us to marry and have kids because we are responsible people. Most of the married people don’t follow the stereotype either. Of course the stereotypes about married people are almost always more positive. Why would they care if they are stereotyped?

My problems started when I bought a townhouse. I was lucky to have great realtors that didn't question my wants. The process was really smooth. After I moved in, all of a sudden everyone thought things were going to change very soon. Some thought I was trying to impress a woman. Some thought I was planning my living arrangements for a future wife. Some figured I probably moved from a one bedroom apartment to a one bedroom townhouse. Several people asked if I was going to get a roommate since I now had two bedrooms. There were even a couple people that thought I would be more than happy to let them move in. No one figured it would be that I my own attached garage, my own washer and dryer, a kitchen with more cabinet space, an office/study space, a guest room for family to visit, or more space to store the things I accumulated over the years (single people buy things as well). Everyone encouraged me to have a housewarming party even thought I wasn’t too keen on the idea. I scheduled one anyway and then not a single person shows up. I bet they would have come if it was my wedding.

I love this blog and all the others linked to this blog.

Now that I've figured out that I am normal and healthy ("despite" being single!!), I am reviewing the decisions I've made in my life and noticing how positive they were, even as they attended a lot of judgment, criticism, and condescension from others. In some cases, outright abuse. I can see that I could have handled some situations better; most of them could have been handled better simply by walking away. I've been known to stay too long at the fair--out of ignorance and because I thought there was something "wrong" with me that needed to be changed and something "right" about others who were receiving the social acceptance/encouragement (and putting me down). Meaning, I didn't walk away because on some level (absorbing others' expectations?) I thought I deserved the crap, even as my mind was railing against what I logically knew to be someone else's problem.

Key has been finding others who see things the way I do and have made similar life choices. These choices have very compelling payoffs, and I like hearing/seeing how it works for others. In my case, I've travelled all over the world as an artist, I have a great deal of personal wealth that I earned myself, I bought and paid off my own home, I've stayed healthy and fit, I am now developing a second career that is taking me into new areas of growth and worldly success, and my relationships with men, both romantic and professional, are based on respect and mutual agreement, rather than on the prescribed role I was so strongly conditioned to accept growing up. And because of my experiences in fighting this good fight, I have more understanding and compassion for those who for whatever reason have been marginalized. (Hate that word, but it sums it up.)

I feel stronger in myself and not afraid of the future--you know, that scary future "alone" that has always been held up as the punishment for not making the "right" choices.

Happy Thanksgiving all--with the emphasis on "happy"!!!!

I've recently discovered this blog and have enjoyed reading Bella's articles and the comments that have followed. I'm nearly 60 and have been single all my life. There have been times that I've wished for a good companion, yet I've always valued myself as a woman who created a life from the acceptance of it as a good place to be, too. Yet I find,to this day, in certain situations, that my choices are not valued by friends, family, employers. I actually thought that after all these years, people would accept that I've been on my own but I've been surprised and dismayed. Married siblings have asked me to give up a career, an urban lifestyle, a home in the country, to move in and care for an aging mother. An employer asked shortly after I was hired if I was seeing 'anyone' (too personal I thought) and then regaled me with stories of the older men (my age) she dated in her 30s. During a recent unexpected layoff, some friends admonished that if I had gotten married I would have more security in hard times.

I also have wonderful friends, a few supportive family members, and have realized that sometimes you just have to brush off the bad stuff, respond to other bad stuff, drop the real toxic people, and keep moving - not always easy but do-able.

In any case, I just wanted to share this with others and to say how much I value this column for its thoughtfulness, wisdom, and support. It's on my bookmarks bar, where only the most important links go :)

While I agree with the writer's view in the piece on single life, I would like to add one thought that will probably be quite controversial.
I have lived alone now for almost 16 years and have enjoyed my life very much.Sometimes I have a man sharing my life and sometimes I don't. I am blessed with many friends and a wonderful community which supports me. I still believe, however, we are not supposed to be living alone.
All right, now I have offended some who are reading this. I have upset the others who thought I would write about the joy of the single state. I could easily wite about that joy and have done so many times before yet now I chose to write about how the world has changed and too many of us are living alone when we could be living in a community.
I have been circulating this idea to my single friends and most become excited about the thought of an intentional community. A place where we eaach had our own small house or apartment and yet we could get together in a common room for a meal or tea.
The single life works for may of us yet, as we age, it would be cozier to live within close proximity of friends.
Our families used to fill this role yet now the shape of American families has changed. Holidays are filled with different customs and many different groupings of people yet we all long for comfort and safety in our comunity.
I think exploring the idea of intentional communities is a good one as there are so many of us out there who are happy to admit having neighbors who we can count on would be a good thing. Another benefit to our life choice of singlehood.

While I agree with the writer's view in the piece on single life, I would like to add one thought that will probably be quite controversial.
I have lived alone now for almost 16 years and have enjoyed my life very much.Sometimes I have a man sharing my life and sometimes I don't. I am blessed with many friends and a wonderful community which supports me. I still believe, however, we are not supposed to be living alone.
All right, now I have offended some who are reading this. I have upset the others who thought I would write about the joy of the single state. I could easily wite about that joy and have done so many times before yet now I chose to write about how the world has changed and too many of us are living alone when we could be living in a community.
I have been circulating this idea to my single friends and most become excited about the thought of an intentional community. A place where we eaach had our own small house or apartment and yet we could get together in a common room for a meal or tea.
The single life works for may of us yet, as we age, it would be cozier to live within close proximity of friends.
Our families used to fill this role yet now the shape of American families has changed. Holidays are filled with different customs and many different groupings of people yet we all long for comfort and safety in our comunity.
I think exploring the idea of intentional communities is a good one as there are so many of us out there who are happy to admit having neighbors who we can count on would be a good thing. Another benefit to our life choice of singlehood.