Living Single

Is anybody born wanting to be single their whole life?

Does bad life experiences change someone to actually want to be single their whole life?

Can a good life experience make someone want to be single?

Bella, you said "I think there's a possibility he did not recognize. Maybe there were some people in that group who really were not all that eager to be coupled, but didn't want to say so. Maybe they were not ready to admit it even to themselves."

I think this very well may have been the case. For a long time it was easier for me to tell myself that I was single because I was wierd and unattractive, than to just admit I was single because I actually *gasp* kind of liked it. The former is a more culturally acceptable reason for being single! How terrible!

I hope that therapist gets some help.

Christina

Thank you for this follow-up. Very well-written. I suppose now you will be accused of being "defensive".

Considering that his bio, on this site no less, clearly states that he is not a therapist, but a former psychology professor as can be read here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bloggers/stephen-mason-phd

I supopose he really took the advice in your title to heart.

He also clearly states that this talk was going to be an informal discussion, not a therapy session. He made this especially clear in his comment to his own post which he posted 2 days before this post:

"As it happened, my friend's regular group was scheduled to meet in an informal session that night. Some members even brought along a friend or two. It certainly had nothing to do with their prior sessions and served as nothing more than a social opportunity to discuss a topic they felt would be of interest to a general audience."

Not to mention that he clearly stated in the intro of his article that he was hoping that he could learn something from this experience because he KNEW that he didn't understand it. You read the words "psychotherapy group" and assumed that he was running it as a therapist, which you could have easily have found out for yourself, is not true. That alone makes your first 4 paragraphs completely irrelevant and you come off as someone who has simply decided that this is your chance to teach this "poor misguided soul" a lesson.

The only thing, as far as I can tell, you are correct about in his article is that he was wrong to conclude that his sample was fairly representative. I would argue though, that this is not because of "group pressure" or because he would create an atmosphere that does not allow this kind of opinion. I would think it's because a single-by-choice would be far less likely to want to go to such a theraphy group in the first place. After all, you go to theraphy when you want to change, don't you? Why would a single-by-choice, who after all knows and believes that there is nothing wrong with him, want to go to such a group? Seems quite believable to me that everyone there really did want a partner if they could.

After that, he quickly changes the subject of the blog post to: "So what is it with the single that would rather be a couple?", which is what the entire rest of the article is about.

You go on about his misconceptions and prejuduces in that 3rd paragraph towards single life as if he had not explained in his intro that he didn't understand and would like to find out. Even if he hadn't, you do realise that that's what people do to make sense off the world right? People have stereotypes to make sense of the things they don't fully understand. Truth is, there are simply many more people who prefer to have a partner (provided it's a good one), then there are people who prefer not to have one. Even when I only look at the people I know and meet that are single at this time, the ones who would prefer a partner still far outnumber the ones that prefer not to have a partner. I have no idea if this is statisticly correct, but it certainly feels this way in everyday life. Given this, is it any surprise that a lot of people have misconceptions and stereotype singles? Not at all. Most people have simply never thought about it, because they they have never experienced it, so they assume everyone is like them.

Does that make it ok to make people feel like outcasts, to make them feel like there is something wrong with them? Off course not. You however should be the one that allready knows that you are not a social outcast. You're the one that knows that there is nothing wrong with you. So why be upset about people who don't understand?

I've been a single-by-choice for years. Even though I'm still single, I've only recently begun opening up to the possibility that I'd want something else. In my workplace I am the only one not in a long-term relationship. Sure, I've been teased with it. People have asked me that question "why are you still single?" all the time. I'm sorely temped to say "boohoo". There's millions of people all over the world who are teased, discriminated against, beaten and sometimes even killed because of their lifestyle. Some of them don't even have a choice, when they are gay for example. At least my lifestyle is a choice. When I look at like that, a few people who don't understand me don't seem like so big a deal.

Truth is, I realized long ago that having stereotypes about things you know nothing of, is completely normal. Everyone does it, everyone needs them, everyone loves them, because if we didn't have stereotypes, we'd probably be frozen by insecureties all the time. We need them to feel normal. We need them to feel secure. As far as I can tell, it's almost hard-wired into our brains. Yes when you think about it purely rational, on a case by case basis, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But most people don't have the time or the intelligence to look at everything from a purely rational standpoint, so they have stereotypes as a sort of shortcut, so that they feel they understand the world without being paralized by insecurities.

So what are we left with then? We can try to change the rules and educate the ignorant. Other than that, I believe we are going to have to accept eventually that there are some people who simply can't understand someone's choice to not want to have a partner. Not because they are some kind of malevolant evil monster, but because they simply can't. We are going to have to learn to be tolerant of that, while they will have to be tolerant of us.

As for this responds to his article, I'd say you took it too far. Apart from maybe a few misconceptions and stereotypes, i don't think Dr Mason has don't much wrong, especially since he himself admitted to not understand much about this, which I find quite admirable to be honest. He is merely asking questions. Maybe he asks them in a clumsy way, but it seems to me that you find the mere fact that he asks those question to be offensive. Intolorance of ignorance is still intolorance, no matter how justifiable.

Martin

That's the question I hate. Many of my friends I haven't seen for a long time ask me that. Like, if I was Seeing Someone, wouldn't that be one of the first things I talked about? And when I say no, that sad-eyed look just about makes me scream. Can we all just get over that? Verify that pity is warranted before you feel it? >: ) I meet with my friends and look forward to showing them this wonderful life I've built, the new friends I've made, the community I'm a vital part of, the home I bought and decorated myself, and all they see is some imaginary missing piece. Whatever. My life speaks for itself. The language is foreign to some, but I'm expected to be fluent in theirs. Gotta go, my potahtoes are boiling. >: )

so let me see if i understand your schtick. being single is just fine. many people choose to be single freely and prefer it to living with another person. you write this blog and your books to try to normalize this choice and show that although it's a minority approach to modern life, there's nothing "abnormal" or strange about it.

great, i'm with you so far.

but you want to accomplish this by freaking out when a fellow blogger dares to ask innocent, open-minded questions about why people make this choice? really? he was candid about his position (professionally and personally), yet you go after him as if he were some kind of fraudulent clinician who needs to be "outed" for his attacks on single people! "this has got to stop" you write, somewhat hysterically.

good luck with this approach.

Thanks for this post!

Annoyingly, I have found that medical doctors can also be guilty of similar singlist attitudes.

Keep up the good work!

someone who would call a woman hysterical also has no problem with people asking offensive questions of single people. Interesting, too, that you do it under the cover of anonymity. I use my full and real name.

Hysterically yours,
Bella DePaulo

I like to read this blog. I do because i read things that don´t exist in my country (we have many other problems...but discrimination based on marital status is not one of them). there are some things that make me say "hey, that´s clearly discriminatory" and others that don´t make much sense. this time i think that you are not making any sense bella.

why? well, i could write a lenghty post about it, but martin has covered a great deal of the things i wanted to say. From the "outside" (a culture where people don´t care what´s your marital status) i look at these two blogs and see polar opposites. Stephen Mason just made a question in a clumsy way, but is a damn good question:

if you meet an intelligent, sexy, funny and charming person who is interested in you...would you say "no"?

cheers!

I’ve been thinking more about the discussion going on here, so let me try again. It is good when people want to learn more. Of course. It is good to ask questions. Of course. But we’re not just talking about some random person or blogger. This is a person who is leading a psychotherapy group in an informal discussion of “living life as a long-time single.” He reports that everyone in the group wants to be coupled. His own belief about single life is that it is a life alone and apart, a life led by people cooped up at home with their cat and their library card. Now some singles may fit that description, and feel very content with their lives. But it seems that this man – who is leading a group of single people in psychotherapy, struggling with their single lives – doesn’t see single life as anything BUT a life alone and apart. That’s not okay. I think a person in a helping profession needs to have a broader, deeper, more accurate view of what single life can be. It is not acceptable, in my opinion, for this person to start figuring it out the many possibilities of single life in his discussions with the psychotherapy group or on his blog. He’s the professional. He needs to have a more informed perspective from the start (then, of course, keep learning).

Let’s assume that most of the people in that group really do want to live life as a long-time couple. Maybe some of them won’t get there. It is the group leader’s responsibility to bring to the discussion the fact that for many single people, life is not lived alone at home with a cat and a library card. I’m not saying that singles who are struggling with their single life need to be talked out of their goal of becoming coupled. Their true goals need to be respected. But singles who have come to a professional helper should not be left with a very unprofessional stereotype of what it means to live single. I wish they could read some of the comments from real single people posted in response to my question, “What’s the best thing about being single?”
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200910/what-s-the-best...

I think that if they could recognize the many fulfilling ways of living life as a single person, they might be less anxious about it and perhaps more successful in their goal of becoming coupled. A blogger who doesn’t see what’s wrong with posting under the title, “So how come you’re single,” is not, in my opinion, qualified to provide the most open-minded and constructive help to people struggling with their single lives.

I do realize that what I have said about the other blogger may seem harsh. My main concern, though, is – and I hope it always will be – with people who are single. I think it is good that some readers are empathizing with the other blogger. I wish lots of them would also empathize with the single people in his psychotherapy group, and with singles who are reading blogs. They can get stereotyped and caricatured anywhere. A professional should be a source of more enlightened views.

For more from other singles who experienced singlism or just the opposite from their therapists, read this previous post along with the comments section:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200907/what-counselors...

Thanks to everyone who expressed appreciation for my post and to those who criticized it. When one person has a problem with what I say, it’s their problem. More than one, I have some explaining to do. That’s what I’ve tried to do here.

P-R-O-F-E-S-

Never mind. You wouldn't understand

Stephen Mason

I have to say I'm surprised at the vitriolic reception to Bella's post. I read the blog in question, and I have to agree with her that it had a strong singlist undertone.

I also agree that group therapy should not be led by someone who is not trained in psychotherapy, even if he is a top-notch research psychologist. It's kind of a big deal when a therapist asks someone else to cover for him/her because patients build a relationship with the therapist, and I've actually never heard of a mental health professional asking someone who is not a fellow clinician to step into that role. For that person to also then use the session as a means to explore his own preconceptions is not necessarily helpful to the patients, to say the least. For instance, imagine if this was a support group for alcoholics, and the person leading it knew nothing about alcoholism but thought this would be a good way to find out what makes alcoholics tick. I'm sure Dr. Mason meant no harm, but that doesn't mean it was necessarily appropriate.

In any case, I want to step back from Dr. Mason for a minute and just say that, in my own experience at least, singlism is rampant in the field of mental health. In the world of clinical practice, relationships=good, sometimes even when they're not so good, and single=bad. Some mental health professionals will even say that long-term singleness is a sign of poor mental health! Although a lot of therapists wouldn't identify themselves as psychoanalytic, there's such a long tradition of Freudian-based thought in clinical practice that I think they've absorbed this idea that all interpersonal relationships prepare us for the "mature" sexual relationship and are, therefore, inferior to it. That attitude permeates how they treat singles. It's definitely problematic!

Wow!!! Eye-opener!!! Bella's article very much resonated with me and my experience in group and individual therapy with a PhD psychotherapist, eclectic but with strong Freudian leanings. While I did present that not being in a long-term relationship was troubling to me, we never explored why. The assumption, from the things he told me (below), was that my single state was a mental health problem based on personality disorder (but it was an ever-shifting personality disorder, evidently, because he changed his diagnosis once or twice throughout our work together, forgetting what he had told me it was before). In my four years with this therapist:

--He told me that if I had a baby it would fulfill me as a woman

--He told me that if I lost weight I could be a trophy wife (my weight is relatively normal)

--He called me by the wrong name for all four years; he explained that because I had corrected him once with an edge to my voice--what he called a "punishing tone"--that he was having trouble remembering it now (this "punishing" incident came after he had been told more than once by me and others that he was calling me by the wrong name)

--He said that a man is attracted to a woman based on her looks and a woman to a man's wallet; this "dating advice" was unsolicited by me

--He did not allow me to make generalizations about men but allowed the men to do so and did so himself (see bullet above this one); he explained that if you are a member of the group being generalized about that it isn't "that bad"

--When I said relayed an incident about abuse I'd suffered at the hands of some men he countered with, "women are abusive, too"--a complete non sequitor (also, see generalization bullet)

--He coached (it seemed to me) one of the group members to admit his attraction to me in group

--He gave more time and attention, and allowed more group time and attention, to the marriage problems than to my "dating" problems, and when I pointed this out I was told flat out by a group member, backed up the therapist, that marriage relationship problems are more "important" than my non-marriage relationship problems

--He said that two other single people in the group who weren't dating should be

--He had p*rn up on his computer once when the group came into the room; it had been up during one group member's individual session

--He made and posted online his independent films about: a therapist having an affair with a patient (the therapist was the victim); a man strangling his girlfriend because she is griping nonstop at him; a man who opens his living will by m*sturbating in front of his heirs to show his contempt for them

--He never used the word "feminist" without the adjective "militant" before it

--He got married during my time in group; online he posted that he married a Chinese woman who is "devoted" to him--but she doesn't speak English and they communicate by a sign language that he devised

--He appeared on one of those TV court shows when an actor in one of his films sued him for nonpayment and accused him of inequal treatment (the actresses were paid)

Need I go on? It was during my time in this clearly biased-against-singles and weirdly run group (by a licensed PhD psychotherapist!!!) that I started to investigate singlism and develop my internal resources to say no to it. I don't know whether I read Bella's book before or after I left the group--but it was definitely this group experience that led me to her work.

I agree wholeheartedly with her statement that therapists with certain attitudes/biases should not be running groups where people are bringing their relationship issues.