What I'm going to say in this post may sound too blunt. It is the sort of post that tempts me to start out by apologizing. Not gonna happen. If people post online in ways that disparage single people (even if unintentionally) or perpetuate myths about them, then, in my opinion, they deserve to be called out. This is especially so if they are in a position of power over people who come to them for help.
Therapists should not practice singlism. If particular therapists cannot fathom single life as a truly fulfilling and desirable life for some people, then they should turn in their badges.
I'm a research psychologist, not a clinician. I have no training in the practice of psychotherapy. So what I'm saying is simply my understanding and my point of view. I think that therapists should be skilled at guiding clients to live their best life, the life that is most meaningful to them. If certain therapists don't recognize that single life can be meaningful and rewarding - if not for themselves, at least for others - then I don't think they can do their job fairly or effectively.
The inability to conceive of single life as a real choice, a first choice and not something you just settle for, does not just undermine psychotherapy with people who are single and may want to stay that way. It also undercuts the effectiveness of treatment of people who are, or want to be, coupled. Living coupled is only a choice if living single is, too. Otherwise, coupling is compulsory.
To that preamble, let me also add that the examples I will cite are hardly the most egregious imaginable. There are even some important points that were made along the way by the blogger I'm critiquing. But therapists can be people of great significance in the lives of their clients - who, by the way, can read their posts online. So, I think that therapists should be held to even higher standards than others.
The Comment that Seeded the Storm
Recently, I wrote a post called, "What's the best thing about being single?" In response, a fellow blogger wrote this in the Comments section:
Just as you can't tickle yourself, you're not likely to laugh out loud when you're home alone. Being single is a lot like being home alone.
I was once between wives for about six minutes. I didn't like it at all.
Now I'm going to say something else that I usually try not to say, because I don't like it when people use emotions as put-downs. When I read that comment, I thought to myself, "That is so sad." Imagine not being able to laugh out loud unless there is another person in the same room.
At first, I did not mind his remark about disliking single life. It's not for everyone. But then I read his later post and discovered that he had led a psychotherapy group in a discussion of single life. If I were a client of this therapist and read his comment online - both the part about not liking single life at all, and not being able to laugh out loud when home alone - I'd look for another therapist. It is not just that he doesn't like being single himself (though as a therapist, he should not, in my opinion, post his distaste of single life online); he also doesn't get it about what it means to live single and feel happy and fulfilled and not at all alone.
In a later comment, he said that in his initial comment, he was looking for validation. Read that comment (above) again. I don't see a quest for validation. I hear misperceptions of single life and disparagements, too. Even if unintentional, that's not appropriate from a professional helper. He should seek validation elsewhere, out of the public domain.
He then wrote his own post (more on that later), and continued the discussion in the comments section. Responding to a reader's observation, he said this:
I agree it's better to be single than married to the wrong person. I also agree that finding the right person isn't easy. But it seems to me that there must be at least a few individuals out there who - even after having found the perfect one - prefer being alone. What I wonder about is:
A) their percent of the population and
B) what they find so attractive about a life apart.
Is there anyone out there who, presented with the perfect soul mate, would walk away? Why?
Look at the first paragraph of that comment. He is trying to say that he DOES believe that at least a few people really do want to be single. But look how he puts it. Single people, in his mind, are people who "prefer being alone." Then look at his option B; there he reveals that, in his mind, what single people are finding attractive is "a life apart."
Some single people do prefer being alone. (Some married people do, too, but do not live that way.) Some are also fond of "a life apart." I, for example, prefer a life apart from cockroaches and snakes. I am not, though, trying to live a life apart from other people.
What's wrong about the blogger's statements is the assumption that the typical single person is alone and apart. First, most single people do NOT live alone (as I detailed in this post). Moreover, those who do live alone are usually not living apart from other people emotionally or interpersonally. Many single people have close friends and whole networks of people who are important to them. (See, for example, the post titled, "The fragile spouse and the resilient single person.")
Now think again about the last line of the comment above: "Is there anyone out there who, presented with the perfect soul mate, would walk away? Why?" This is the question of someone who can understand your single status if you are searching for your "perfect soul mate," but seems nonplussed by the possibility that you are single because you want to be. And if you are such a person, then in his mind, you must be living alone and apart. (By the way, should a psychotherapist be using the language of "perfect soul mates"?)
Doesn't Everyone Want to be Coupled? A Fact-Based Interlude
One of the most pervasive misperceptions about single people is that what they want, more than anything else, is to be married. Yet, when a national sample was asked, as part of the Shriver Report, what was most important to them, Americans ranked marriage last in a list of 7 possibilities, behind health, self-sufficiency, financial security, a fulfilling job, religious faith, and children.
Still, many people may want to be coupled without also wanting to be married. Do most singles fit into that category? A national survey conducted by the Pew Project covered that. Single, divorced, and widowed Americans were asked whether they were already in a committed relationship, and whether they were looking for a partner. The biggest subgroup - 55 percent - said that they were not in a committed relationship AND that they were not looking for a partner. (I described more of the details in Singled Out.)
The Question No Single Person Should Have to Answer: "So How Come You're Single?"
The blogger who believes that living single means being home alone, as unlikely to laugh out loud as to self-tickle, later wrote a post with the title, "So how come you're single?" As I explained in more detail in this previous post, the question is offensive. It suggests that if you are single, you have something to explain. Rarely is a comparable question posed, "So how come you're married?"
This has to stop. If single people want to discuss why they are single (or married people, why they are married), let them take the lead. Otherwise, talk about something else. Your question is just showing your own prejudice (singlism, to be exact) and cluelessness.
