I'd advise everyone to keep in mind that singles are fairly diverse. Some are divorced, some widowed, some looking for love, others not.

Related to that first point, I'd suggest being careful in giving advice until you know that person's perspective and goals.

I have to say that my experience with counseling has been positive. I've never been made to feel that my single status was somehow a problem.

Being single can be a choice or it can be chosen for you by the significant other. As a college student who is recently single, it is something that you either let bring you down or you embrace the power it gives you for yourself. I think it is important to realize that, as stated in the first comment, singles are very diverse. Some cannot handle making themselves happy while trying to make someone else happy and in this situation, being single could be the best thing for a person. While the break up i experienced was very hurtful and hard to get through, it made me feel more powerful in finding what I need to make myself happy which I was missing for the two years I was with this other person. I think for the authors of this book, it is essential to know that people who are single are not all fearful or using being single as defense mechanism (to not get hurt again). People are single because whether they decide to be single or not, at some point us singles embrace it and make it one of our best qualities until we are ready to let that other person in. One important thing I have learned from this break up is that sitting and crying in bed, or being fearful of dating again doesn't do anything but keep you from moving forward in your life. In reality, the person you are crying over has most likely moved on, so why waste perfectly good time to find someone better and take what you've learned from past relationships so you have nothing to fear in the next one. Being single is a choice and it is one that can make an individual very powerful in finding true happiness in the one person who matters the most, yourself.

I'd remind them that loneliness is just another emotion with a beginning, middle and an end, and that decisions shouldn't be made in the midst of that emotion. Being single is WAY better than being in a crappy relationship and I'm sorry to say that women are more prone to staying (or entering) in a bad relationship to avoid being single. I can say that because I was one of them. There really are worse things in life than being single!

I concur with the two comments above, and would add that maybe some of the best direction counselors can give to singles (especially singles who have recently become single) is to name, recognize, and value friends and family. I think we (by which I mean American culture writ large) don't do enough valuing of the people around us who make our lives rich and worthwhile on a daily basis. Counselors might also do well to direct their clients to online support networks, like this blog and others.

What frustrates me the most about family and some (married) friends is that they view my life as being in some kind of holding pattern (at age 34, with a PhD and successful career no less); that I am waiting on that 'special someone' to complete me and allow me to actually live (whether I admit it or not). It is quite perplexing. I feel that I have a very fulfilling, happy, and well-rounded life. I love my job, my friends and family, my dog, travel, church, etc., etc., etc. I believe many people DO find it necessary to be partnered in order to have these feelings about their own existence. That's fine. However, it is insulting and actually ignorant, I think, to assume that everyone needs that same lifestyle to be happy.

Also, I find it infuriating to be labeled as having a fear of commitment. Counselors please don't automatically default to this opinion about singles! This implies that marriage is the only natural and preferred state of being, rather than a choice to be made by individuals. It's as absurd as accusing a talented artist of pursuing their passion only because they have a fear of math.

As mentioned previously, singles are a diverse group, and it is of paramount importance to understand what type of single person you're dealing with. Some are lonely; some are happy, but hoping to partner at some point; others are perfectly content and actively choose to remain single. None of these feelings should be discounted, pressured to be like the others, or forced into one category.

I suppose I would like a counselor or therapist to see my status and view about that status as small clue about the mystery of my woes not the final answer. I could be coupled and unhappy. Perhaps, I am single and unhappy. And maybe, just maybe, my status has nothing to do with my unhappiness.

Is it so hard to believe? I like to think people are huge jigsaw puzzles, with every newly learned facet just adding to the picture. No one piece is more important than another.

Then again, I like puzzles.

I have had some frustrating experiences with therapists. I am gay and single. Gay just because, and single by choice. Happily single. Emphasis on happy. I made it a point to say this to therapists straight away. "I'm gay and single, but that is *not* why I am here.I'm here because of xyz..." Regardless of this, the conversation would sometimes be directed back to those topics.

1) "Do you believe you deserve to be loved?" When I mentioned the love I feel from my friends, there was a hiccup of silence, and then it was off to a new topic. Therapists: DO NOT discount the intimacy and love close friendships provide. Sexual minorities in particular form "families of choice" which are often as tight, if not tighter than the bonds of biological families.

2) "Would you agree that you tend to think of yourself as independent? But could it be that you avoid intimacy from others to maintain that independence?" That question might have worked with someone else, but it didn't with me. I knew what she was driving at. I am a research psychologist with a PhD. It was attachment theory, and she was trying to apply it to me.

She was trying to pin me into one of the four adult attachment styles applied to close relationships. I said "Hmm. sounds like you are thinking I have a dismissive attachment style. Does this have something to do with my choice to be single?" She flushed red, another hiccup of silence. And then she changed the subject.Looking back in hindsight, I should have pressed her for an answer.

This is not to suggest that theories are not useful in understanding behavior. But in this instance, a theory was being applied in order for the *therapist* to understand something that was in no way relevant to the problems I came to her with.

The therapist I used to see was really good at dealing with my single life, probably because she was a really good listener. I started seeing her after a devastating end to a three year relationship.

Once I started to get over that relationship, one thing in particular helped me to really accept my single status. I started to think about what I actually wanted out of life, what the underlying reason was that I got into relationships to begin with. One thing I realized was that I really don't necessarily want to get married, but I do really want to raise a child. Maybe part of the reason I stayed in a relationship that didn't make me happy was because I thought that was the only way I could achieve all these other things that I wanted.

But then I realized, I don't have to have a relationship to get what I want out of life, and in fact, I might be better off without one. My therapist and I discussed how my cousin adopted an orphan and I might want to do that someday too. Now that I've decided I can still raise a child without having a husband, I'm a LOT happier!!! The thought of never getting married really doesn't bother me at all.

Oh, I have one more thing to add... I also liked that my therapist didn't belittle my relationship with my cat. It sounds silly to a lot of people, but it really is one of the most gratifying things in my life. If you listen to people and really figure out what it is that makes their life fulfilling, then you help them realize that they really are happy, even though society says that they're incomplete without a spouse.

When I went into therapy for some issues unrelated to being single, I was given a standard alcohol abuse questionnaire, which began, as do all such tests, with the question "do you drink alone?" If you answer yes, you are automatically flagged as a problem drinker. I told my therapist that I LIVE alone. Does that mean that if I make a try a new gourmet recipe at home and want to enjoy it with a glass of good wine, that makes me a lush? When I was married and drank, I would put down a whole bottle of "2-buck Chuck" to anesthetize me from being stuck at the dining room table with my husband. For me, drinking alone was healthy and drinking in company was not! My therapist was great, and she immediately saw how that question could be discriminatory. She changed her own test and encouraged her colleagues to do so.

...and I don't mean to diparage Dr. DePaulo's field...is that psychology and sociology are more vulnerable than most other sciences at being manipulated to support existing social/cultural beliefs.

who almost immediately pigeonholed my "problem" as being related to not being in a relationship. He quickly "deduced" that since my father and I didn't get along growing up, I had "issues" with men that were at the root of my depressive tendencies.

It's true that singles may be "hurt, broken, fearful, or are grieving the passage of time" -- but the same's also true of many coupled people. It's highly unlikely that singleness is a major determinant of whether or not someone feels those emotions.

What I would just generally urge is not to immediately jump to the conclusion with singles that the "problem" is the singleness -- but instead to take the time to see what is really at the root of these feelings, and considering methods of dealing with those feelings that are not so centered around becoming half of a couple.

I would also hope that therapists -- if with a patient who's internalized many of the singlist messages in society and thus may think everything would magically be fixed if they got coupled -- would acknowledge the patient's feelings but also help that patient find other meaningful ways to deal with negative emotions instead of subscribing to the "you're sad because you're not married" type messages we so often get from society.

Thank you, Dr. DePaulo for bringing this timely issue to the forefront. Sure, I would like to participate. I am not busy, distracted or time starved in my life.

I have never felt a need for a therapist or counselor in my life. But it is past time for all therapists and counselors to think outside of the box. Listen more. Have patience, and not rush to conclusions that the solution is to be mated.

I have had role models, namely the late Miss Earth M.M. White of Jacksonville, Florida, who never married nor had children. Miss White lived to be 97 years old., And, the late MaVynee “The Beach Lady” Betsch, one of my mentors, who never married nor had children had an untimely death. It does help to have role models, mentors and friends who are lifelong singles in one’s personal life. Television, magazines, etc. never did it for me in having and finding support for being single in my life. I am not a lesbian, and neither were these women. Although, I have been accused of being a lesbian, bisexual, transgender or in the closet about something just because I am single and childfree. As I age, the attitudes gets worse, because society is still traditional minded, and refuses to make a change in attitudes. Nevertheless, I am still single, now older, just like my mentor “The Beach Lady” of Florida. (I am not against family, children or anyone’s personal sexual orientation!) I have lived long enough to know and experience that this society thinks or feels everyone should be married with or without children. The institution of marriage and having children has nothing to do with living a happy and long life. It is important for me to note that my mentor and positive role model, Miss White and The Beach Lady were content with their lives. These ladies were not addicted to drugs, alcohol, smoking, gambling, or any illegal substances, and certainly not sex. No, during their time, they did not place personal ads in newspapers or magazines seeking a mate, either.

The media (including the Internet), does not help things because it fans the flames of wedded bliss, “until death do you part” or whatever! I live in the south so its worse here, because the institution of marriage is held high by people of traditions, the state and also religion. Ignorance is rampant in our society about singles and the single life. The pressures to marry starts at the cradle and is carried to the grave with folks in our society. Also this is a very unhealthy society here in America. Addictions of all kinds are deeply ingrained in this society. Obesity, as we all know is here to stay.

“The vast majority of Americans cannot, and never will be able to afford much of what they see in magazines and on TV. Yet we still year for it, spending money on get-rich-schemes and wealth that’s like the one announcing, “IT’S YOUR Time to become a millionaire!” The U.S. Government has gotten into the act.
(pg. 173), The Narcissism Epidemic - Living in the Age of Entitlement by J. M. Twenge, Ph.D. and W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D. (2009) and,

“This whole materialistic charade is fueled by the most influential cultural industry in the United States: advertising. Advertising is everywhere in the United states. Billboards loom over us whether we’re in the city or in the country, and posters and handbills decorate nearly every public place. In other words, we expect television to be more dramatic than everyday life, and, in the United States, we expect it to be more affluent.” (pg. 140) Enlightened Racism - The Cosby Show, Audiences, and the Myth of the American Dream by Sut Jhally and Justin Lewis (1992)

Lastly, I shall leave you readers with this to ponder:

White Supremacy and its consequences--and one can count among these resource exploitation, unbridled capitalism, militarism, and colonialism--have pushed our world to the brink of self-annihilation.” (pg.355) Speaking Treason Fluently Anti-Racist Reflections from an Angry White Male by Tim Wise (2008)

Be well. Stay Safe.
Dew, a woman of color
A Single Pebble

I don't think I have anything new to add to these very insightful comments, so I'll just add my voice to the chorus since there's strength in numbers.

I do think there's significant bias against singles in the mental health community. Apropos of this, I even dated a psychologist who was convinced that long-term singleness was evidence of emotional problems. From his account of his own history, it was apparent that he'd spent his adult life running from relationship to relationship. I found his attitude disappointing and felt sorry for his single clients!

As an anonymous commenter said upthread, this attitude seems to have developed out of attachment theory and other object-relations perspectives, and while I agree with much of what those theories espouse in terms of our emotional development as children, I don't agree that the end goal for every healthy adult is to find a mate. I think the end goal is to develop healthy relationships, not necessarily sexual ones. These could be friendships, familial relationships, maybe student-mentor relationships. I think it's important for counselors to be aware that a relationship doesn't have to include sex to be intimate, supportive, and caring. (On a slightly unrelated note, I think counselors should also remember that these relationships don't necessarily have to be numerous to be fulfilling. People have different relational needs on a "normal" continuum, and some will have just a few friends, while others will have a large network.)

Furthermore, there are all kinds of reasons why people remain single. Sometimes it's just by pure chance. It's not necessarily because they have deep-seated problems that coupled people don't have. In fact, I know just as many married people with severe emotional problems as single people. I hope that counselors will open their minds to the possibility that singleness can result from growth and maturity, just as some relationships can result from codependence and other insidious issues.

At the end of the day, I think a healthy person is one who is generally content, satisfied with his or her personal and professional life (or taking steps to become so), meeting his or her own goals and standards, and not harming him- or herself or others. Singles can certainly be all those things, and if they are, what more is necessary?

I think a few commentators touched on this but I'd like to bring it out in the open: as singles we sometimes struggle with internalized singlism, those cultural messages that tell us that we need to be coupled to be happy/healthy/whatever. This internalized singlism can make us unhappy even if we'd be perfectly happy if we hadn't drank the socialized cool-aid. So, a counselor's job might be to help a single person distinguish between cultural messaging and real needs that make us unhappy (after all, not everybody loves to be single and/or chooses to remain single). In my experience, that was some of the most important growth work that I needed to do: To overcome the cultural messaging. When I was able to let go of the idea that the only happily ever after was being coupled, I could truly embrace and enjoy being single, something that feels like the best choice for me. So, sometimes our singleness can contribute to our unhappiness but not because there's something inherently wrong with being single but because it goes against the cultural norms, which can create quite some (self-)doubts even if we sense that we're perfectly happy being single.

Just for once, I would like people to consider the possibility that a so-called single person may have made a choice to live her/his life in that way. It would be so refreshing!

I was raised during the second wave of feminism, when "choice" was the buzzword -- that is, before it buzzed off and left those of us who had made the choice to be single, in the dirt. I have felt betrayed by the movement and by my "sisters" ever since. What ever happened to the notion of independence? It seems as if at least one whole generation has not even heard of it!

I decided when I was quite young that, since I only had one life, I didn't want to compromise on things when I didn't have to ("compromise" being another buzzword, which really means doing what somebody else wants or wants you to do). I watched my mother's life and listened to her mourn for the things she couldn't do because of my father. There are plenty of things in life that you don't get to do, but I wasn't going to let that be because of somebody else.

My choice was easy; life as a single is not. But that is not because you are not "complete" or because you are lonely or anything else. It is because other people make it difficult. Plain and simple. And, I think, there is an agenda here on the part of these people, too. There is, somehow, something threatening about (particularly) women who don't seem to need anybody else. I guess it seems hard to control them or tame them. A woman who has a husband, on the other hand, is always, in some way or other, being controlled by him and that seems to make people more comfortable. You may not agree with me, but that's been my observation. I have heard way too many women in high-paying jobs or professions say things such as "I bought this, but don't tell my husband," or "I'm not telling my husband how much I spent on this." This wasn't, at all, what we had in mind when we marched for equal pay, equal access to education and good jobs, and control over our lives.

Another thing that really bothers me is that, when I express an opinion, e.g, a political opinion, people look at me surprised, as if they didn't think that I thought about such things, or that I thought, at all. It's just one more example that I have of people treating single people as if they have not grown up, yet. I don't know why people are surprised that I think, read, cook, travel, in short, that I have a life. Why should I not?

Here's the follow-up to this post:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200908/singles-treatme...

I am unhappily single. However, my unhappiness has nothing to do with me being or not being coupled. I was just as unhappy in some past relationships as I was out of them. I love what Singletude wrote about singles can be healthy people too, wouldn't it be brilliant if singles and married couples alike followed your little list individually? I don't think that getting married gives up our independence as women...as submitted by Editor. Nor does it mean that we no longer need to continue our own personal growth and maintenance. I think a healthy marriage is two independent people working together to build their lives. Those who live out their lives as healthy singles I'm sure have friends, life long friends whom they have built lives with. Some sort of consistency with give and take they have grown accustomed to, it's a similar relationship.

I have decent social skills, I'm fairly attractive and intelligent. I'm heterosexual. I'm starting to get questions of homosexuality from thoughtless family members. I think I could use some mental separation from the cultural messages that I must be married/dating. Aside from that I do want to be married, however, in the circumstances that I have set for myself. I have had opportunities in the past and turned them down because I knew that outside of these circumstances, for lack of a better word, I would have been divorced by now. Unlike our friend Editor above, my mother was the domineering passive aggressive force in our home, and my dad (step dad, only noted to distinguish) is the passive follow along type. Cut the feminist crap. Get back to the basics. Anyone regardless of gender gives up their power of their own accord, until they begin to choose not to, hence the feminist (any) movement. Feminism in my mind isn't about getting the upper hand, it's about equality. What better way to display that than in a cooperative healthy marriage. On that note choosing to take care of home and family doesn't diminish your power. You marched for choice, and I thank you.
Anyway, the healthy list set out by Singletude being generally content with life, satisfied by personal and professional life (or working towards it-[an insightful insert]),meeting your own goals and standards (thank you!) and not harming self or others are all great and I adopt them as my own. I'll add independent and self sufficient, and if/when choosing marriage coupling with a spouse working with the same.
Which brings me to like attracts like and the concept of loneliness as not connecting with others. Do we connect with everyone? Do we want to? Why do/don't we? Do we seek out those we could connect to? Why/why not? These answers are as varied as we are. Its clear that we all have varied (even through different phases in our lives) social connecting needs, like a social libido. Can we be lonely if we don't connect with our self? Why do the people around us, specifically parents and grandparents feel consoled if we are coupled? Is it all the instilled cultural message or is there an instinctual even spiritual drive?
Loneliness is an unmet need to connect. To whom specifically? Self, God, Lover/Spouse, friends, family, co-workers, pets, plants, hobbies, passions....(fake fillers like addictions and TV are a whole other topic)None of these relationships are static, all need regular maintenance and will suffer loneliness or become unconnected without it.
To whom specifically we are unconnected Loneliness does not tell. I'm sure an honest assessment of self would have no trouble revealing.