This is the 3rd and last installment in the "Living Single" Wedding Season series. In the first post, I introduced the Japanese singles made infamous by the "parasite singles" label. I asked what really qualifies as self-centered behavior, bringing in newlyweds as a comparison. (I use the term newlyweds, but as "Martian Bachelor" commented in response to Part 2, weddings are mostly about the bride.) In Wedding Season 2, I described what I found so different and so important about wedding ceremonies from the past.
Now on to Part 3, excerpted from pp. 119-120 of Singled Out:
Think back, now, to the singles I described earlier - the ones who were castigated as "parasite singles" and as selfish. Their gatherings - dinners out, travel adventures, shopping trips - really were communal. Whole groups of women participated as equals. No one woman, and no pair, was singled out as special and above all the rest. The bonds they cherished as lasting were with each of the other women. These women were not narrowly linking themselves to just one other person.
The women who lived with their parents were nurturing interpersonal bonds as well. The parents and their daughters all anticipated reciprocity down the road, when the parents would need help and their daughters would willingly provide it.
It is true that the single women described by Yamada buy themselves pricey handbags and clothes. Unlike bridal wedding ware, however, the adornments purchased by singles are worn over and over again.
How is it, then, that singles are so readily presumed to be selfish and self-centered while the far more self-indulgent newlyweds are instead deemed romantic?
First, some clarifications. I realize that lots of people love over-the-top weddings, and do not at all mind being demoted from friend to fan. So I am not saying that couples should never throw wild wedding parties for themselves. What I am saying is that we should recognize extravagant weddings for what they are: self-centered, self-celebratory, and self-congratulatory ceremonies that declare the couple as more special than anyone else, and as especially superior to people who are single.
I am not suggesting that singles should compete with newlyweds in a race toward wretched excess. I just think we should use the same standards for evaluating singles as couples. So, couples who spend tens of thousands of dollars on their wedding cannot fault singles for being selfish until the singles, in their dinners and travels with their friends, have spent that much money, too - and also extracted 171 gifts from their friends and family. Even then, couples can only begin dissing singles if, after their wedding and honeymoon, they never again indulge themselves with fancy dinners, pricey purchases, or nice vacations.
[All references are from Singled Out. For other "Living Single" posts, click here.]
