Living Single

Of a friendship, that is.

It's easy to mock people who expect that their marriage will be pefect and wonderful, a solution to all their problems. Clearly, they're being unrealistic, not considering how confused and messy romantic relationships can be.

I think one should extend the same caution to friendships--it's all too easy to imagine that if you just meet the right person, they'll become some sort of platonic soul mate. The reality is, friendships can be as messy as romantic relationships.

I can't say that I have any specific advise on the concrete steps to friendship; being a strong introvert it's not a high priority for me.

But I do know that I too have sometimes idealized close friendships; getting to know a potential friend better helped to dispell this illusion, and helped me to see both their strengths and their flaws, to see them as they really were. Because only then can you decide whether this person truly is a friend.

If you've got extra time and you'd like to fill it socially and make new friends, I think meetup.com is a great resource. Its better if you live in a city where there are more available people and there are groups for everyone. You join the meetup online, attend an event in a public space and make conversation. I've found people to be incredibly friendly and welcoming at meetup groups because everyone is there for the same reason. I've also had some great conversations. I didn't make any long lasting friends from meetup but I bet that if I'd kept attending meetups with a specific group, I would have eventually.

Meetup also seems to attract a lot of singles without that sleazy meat market feeling. So its possible to make friends with other singles too!

I vividly remember that after I graduated from college, I could not for the life of me figure out how to make friends. In college, I didn't have to work at making friends or meeting people; I saw people all the time in classes or around campus. I think it's interesting that Bella specifically says, "I don't like to think of making friends as something you strategize about. Seems like it should just happen naturally." What I remember realizing after college is that making friends requires *effort* - first you have to figure out where to meet people you might like and then you have to find time and make specific plans to get together. And friendships, like all good relationships, take time to develop. For me, my closest friends have developed from shared interests - I've met a lot of friends through kayaking and singing - but whatever activity brought us together, it took effort on both our parts to make time for the deeper conversations and bonding that was needed to move from acquaintances to friends.

... that everything in life is harder for singles than for married people. For example to work full-time or more and to raise a family, I would think leaves LESS time to socialize and spend a pleasant time with friends than when you live by yourself.

So obviously time and availability does not play a role in it, it's not a "structural" problem. Maybe it has to do with the fact that - as Alan suggested - people expect too much: They hope that their friends will give them the same benefits as a partner, but for a much smaller investment of time and personal engagement.

Or maybe it is the same personality that prevents them from forming a life-long bond, such as the ability to take a lively interest in others, sacrifice for others and to subordinate your personal needs at times to other people's needs and wishes, that also makes the formation of a close, personal friendship more difficult?

This is really a tough one. I know that I've asked myself millions of times how do you make a friend, but once I thought about the obvious answers - go out, join a club, etc. - I dismissed the thought. Why? Because for the few (and I mean few) friends that I do have, I don't recall having to try to make them. In other words, close and lasting friendships are organic in origin. So if you feel like you're trying too hard, you're probably doing something wrong. Just be open and true friendship will find you where you're at. There's no recipe.

I like Singlelutionary’s Meetup.com suggestion. I was going to suggestion volunteer work, but Meetup.com organizes volunteer, political, and social activities.

I actually haven’t used Meetup.com, but I like the idea. The close friends that I have now I meet through other friends or acquaintances. I guess you could say they were made “organically” (using Cindy’s terminology). But, I would be open to meeting friends in more strategic ways.

I am not sure about Claudia’s tentative thesis that the same factors that make some single make them unable to form platonic friendships. I don’t get the sense that singles are anti-social or have attachment disorders. I know my “sample” set of friends is hardly representative, but I know many single people in the 30s, 40s, and 50s and most are single because they became part of that large population of people whose marriages ended in divorce. I only know about a dozen over-35 never married (besides myself), but they are all hyper social with ridiculously cramped social calendars. Many of them do some form of community work for a living.

I completely understand Alan’s point about not mocking people who have unrealistic expectations about marriage. We are so bombarded by unrealistic media images of romantic marriage that even the proudest single can occasionally fall victim.

Alan brings up another interesting point about unrealistic images of friendships. Long-term close friendships do require a lot of work, forgiveness, and negotiation just like a long-term romantic relationship. I wonder about how shows like Sex and the City might promote positive and/or unrealistic images of friendships. I watched one episode when the show flashbacked to the mid 80s when Samantha, Carrie, Miranda were friends. It’s was only then that I understood how much they went through until they became a family. Sometimes I suspect that people want to shortcut directly to those “family” type friendships, but usually those take years and years to build.

It's kind of funny - the premise of the blog post is "many singles have lots of acquaintances but don't seem to be able to make close, long-term friends".

If people write in with possible explanations, they are met with complete denial of the original statement - "you are discriminating me - I and all my single friends have PLENTY of extremely close friends."

:D

The first comment on this page was by Alan who said

"Perhaps the most important thing is your expectations"

Whilst I agree about expectations - I honestly believe that the most important thing is your physical ability to get out into the community to meet up with your existing friends or to make new friends.

How do I know? Well, from experience. You see, I'm very housebound - or should I say, recliner-bound - after getting very sick 10 years ago, and during that time my friends have all gotten married and had children .... and they don't have any time now to return calls, return emails or meet up. I have tried EVERYTHING to find new community groups and hobby groups etc make new friends and because of my poor health I just can't continue on - and this includes meeting up with communities that originate online that also meet up in real-time occasionally.

So .... I'd really say that you have to have the ability to get out and about to make the friends and to maintain the friendships. Pure and simple.

I usually don't comment, even though I often enjoy the blogs here.

I just wanted to say that to have close friends you have to be willing to BE a close friend.

It's not easy to be vulnerable with no garantee of trust from an acquaintence, but somebody has to go first. I believe that is why many close friendships are created during times of great emotional upheaval, when people are forced to be open and vulnerable. Just my two cents!

I'm constantly in awe of the amazing friends I've picked up in my 45 years. I met most of them at work and got close enough to stay in touch after leaving the job. 3 years ago I moved to a new community and felt pretty isolated. My cat died 4 months after we moved and I suddenly went from a normal settling-in mentality to feeling alone in the world. I went to the shelter to get another cat, and I watched the people there and thought "where can I get friends like these people?" Well, I started volunteering and now those people are my friends, and I'm totally hooked up in the community. I'm lucky in that volunteering is part of my personal ethic; it's what I do instead of participating in organized religion. Not everyone is into that, but the key is you have to be into SOMETHING. You can't make interesting friends without being interesting yourself. If you get a life, the friends come with the territory. You just have to be willing to jump into things by yourself. You won't stay alone for long.

Thank you for taking the time to write another great post and thank you for the suggestions, keep em' coming!! In my personal experience I found that doing similar activities is big. For example, I like hiking. I live near the Rocky Mountains. I hate hiking alone, I don't want to get eaten by a bear or sprain my ankle and hiking is enjoyable when you are visiting and laughing!

So when I found a friend last year who asked me to go hiking, I said yes right away and MADE EVERY EFFORT to go, even when my comfort level was a little disrupted (it's an early morning, it's a long drive out to the mountains, we have to pick up people, what if I don't like them, I'll have to set my VCR, I'll miss the hockey game, etc etc and etc - there are always a million reasons to NOT do something). I went with my new friend a couple of times and now it's established that it's a "regular thing" that we do. We have a couple of other friends who have joined in and now it's a little group of guys who grow. It will probably grow again this year. I needed to feed energy into the relationsip or it would die.

Having found myself in a pretty lonely situation a few years back, I found that the biggest problem for me was not taking advantage when opportunities presented themselves. A lot of times poor self esteem and negativity (as is the woman's case in the article) tend to go hand-in-hand with loneliness, sabotaging any desire to make new friends. I noticed I tended to make excuses for not accepting invitations...essentially either I had nothing to offer, or they had nothing to offer.

At some point I resolved to never decline an invitation, and to always return favors. My social sphere expanded greatly. Too often lonely people forget that someone must take the first step and put themselves out there...and people already socially obligated have little motivation to do so.

I would guess that many of the people who have trouble making friends are also those who bow out of "happy hour" after work and other social gatherings where your peers really would like to know you personally.

I've been both married and single (and married again) and the question "How do you make friends when you are single?" seems odd to me. I made friends when I was single the same way that I make friends being married. My modus operandi of making friends didn't change along with my marital status.

In making friends, I tend to do much of what has already been posted: I put in the effort, seize opportunities, allow myself to be vulnerable, expect the friendship to take time, and have realistic expectations. And then I work to maintain the friendships I have.

For people who have been both single and coupled, did the way you make friends change when your singlehood changed? How?

For people who are single, how do you imagine your way of making friends is different from a coupled person's way? And ditto question for people who are coupled.

I know there are activities obviously designed for couples, but a friendship, like any other relationship, is a one-on-one thing. Isn't it? Shouldn't the question simply be "How does one make good friends?"

My thanks to Dr. DePaulo for her blog.

i don't generally comment too often either even though i read these blogs almost every day at work.

it seems uncanny, that whether you are looking for a friend or a relationship, you must completely give up on it. legitly accept the fact that you are simply never going to find one. as soon as you do this, one lands right in your lap. seriously it never fails. but you have to actually get it through your head that it is hopeless. this is very difficult to do.

i can't explain why it works but i know some of you will agree with me.

I tend not to make individual friends, so I have always had a problem with this. I usually some how ending up making groups of friends at once, which is why I've never really made any friends outside of high school, college, and grad school. Does anyone have suggestions on how to find a *group* of friends? I really miss the kind of "families" I've had in the past.