Living Single

I recently began dating someone, and my mother responded by saying, "Good. You need to have a life." I guess my academic achievements, friendships, and hobbies aren't enough. This attitude towards single people in our culture is very hard to just ignore.

I was single for the longest I had ever been (1 year) in my life. During this time, I felt accomplished and was really pursuing my interests. (I still am) But, the place I work is filled with mostly coupled people (most people at my work are gay men) and the majority of my friends are also married/engaged/committed and so when I began dating someone seriously, despite all my accomplishments it felt like a relief to be back in the "Couples Club" - this feeling was very surprising because I hadn't been aware that I felt left out as a single but there it was.

I do not feel like you need to be defensive that you want to write about people getting unfairly stereotyped.

I think we should be careful, though, to discern between stereotyping an individual person and judging a way of life. Making a value judgment about being single may be wrong, but it's not unfair, per se.

Unfairness is about taking a stereotype and applying it to a person before we get to know the person better. Judging a lifestyle itself involves subjective values and beliefs and if you want to challenge that judgment itself, you are kind of hurting your case by getting distracted by the unfair stereotyping of individuals--I think you should keep your argument more abstract and philosophical and focused on the subjective values themselves, dissecting them and advocating in favor of the relative goodness of being single.

If you are advocating in favor of singlism as a way of life but then you get caught up talking about individual people, you could get sucked into making a fallacious proof by example.

I would have added a few more comments, Dr. DePaulo.

For one, I don't think our Eddie meant anything horrible by his comment. He's known to shoot from the lip. But I do feel all of us need to be more sensitive to the feelings of our friends, neighbors, and family members. We tend to assume that what happens in our lives is a matter of choice -- and not circumstance. And if it is a matter of choice, we are often critical of the choice, as though to justify our own. Somehow being part of a "tribe" makes us feel better. It seems to me that the only way we are going to make progress in this world is if we stop mocking others who differ and work hard on pushing against the boundaries of our tribalism.

I guess I should have included that in my link to Gail Collin's editorial. But I'm honored that you came across my brief remarks, and for the chance to expand/expound on them!

I think its good what you do but many people just assumes that everybody has to be in a relationship or at least has to look for sex (from my experience thats mostly true for men)

True is most people look down on singles especially on those who do not pursue sex.

If Gov. Rendell had made these comments a decade or two ago, there probably wouldn't have been nearly as much outrage as there is now.

In fact, given the great variety of family forms that have emerged in recent years, I'd argue that it's probably better to be single in the US now than in any time in history.

It used to be much worse: In her book Through the Narrow Gate Karen Armstrong describes the time she found out one of her high school teachers was going to become a nun (this was in the late 50's). Armstrong and her friends were appalled at the decision, but figured since this teacher wasn't good-looking and thus couldn't get married, maybe being a nun was her best option.

Talk about a lack of choices...

You might be interested in what is happening in my community during this holiday season. I teach English as a second language in China. My city is rather small by Chinese standards (400,000) but we have a large foreign community (200).

I am single with a few married people in my group of friends. When outings are planned, they are always planned around the single's time tables. So, When the guys go out, the married guys have to leave early. And we joke with them about being tied down.

We are planning our Christmas socials. And to control the size of get together, we are limiting to singles... the outrage that we got from the married couples was amazing... I thought of your blog as they were defending their right to equal treatment. But in the interest of peace amongst friends we are allowing some of them.

Just kidding. Or at least equally guilty.

Anyway, not being the sort of Neanderthal who hits on women for dates, I've been single all my adult life. I can't say I've ever really experienced any singlism myself. (And, yes, I have read the book.)

But I hear others describe instances where they experience it, and I'm culturally aware, so I don't think it's entirely a matter of some being hypersensitive, and thus needing to "shake it off".

Perhaps it's because the category "single" is just too diverse. You've got never-married types, and those who are separated/divorced/widowed -- sometimes several times. Some are parents, some aren't. Ages of singles cover the span from 20-ish to 60+. Some date, some don't. Some have what might be called a relationship, while others don't. Some are well-educated, some aren't. Some have money, others are poor. Some live alone, others live with family, still others with friends or acquaintances. Some will be single for only a short time, while others will be single for a long time (the dividing line between "short" and "long" of course being indefinite). Some are single more by choice than by circumstance.

Not to mention the obvious one that some are men while some are women. Singleness among men has been much more pathologized IMO for a couple of decades now by pop-psych, especially the variety popular with women. As Hendrik Ruitenbeek observed some time back, contemporary America seems to have no room for the mature bachelor. So perhaps any current attacks on single women would be a cause for some sympathy on the part of single men, if it were not for the fact that single women (albeit different ones) have been leading the charge against single men for so long, or at least they've been indifferent at best to the attacks against them.

This -ism also differs from others in that being single is not readily apparent at a glance, as is ones race or sex. So I'm not sure if simply being single is enough to much unite such a varied group of people, where the many differences may outweigh the one common feature.

Thanks for your thoughtful comments and analysis. The question of what experiences are shared by all varieties of singles is exactly the issue I have been thinking about for the past few days. That's because of a recent article posted at Forbes, saying there is no use for a magazine for singles, in part because they are too diverse. This is something I've thought about before, and there are some answers that come immediately to mind, but I'm going to keep at it a while longer. At some point, I'll post more about this.

--Bella

Im sorry, Bella, but I don't think that singles are stereotyped by married people. Perhaps you're just a tad paranoid? I mean, afterall, why do you care what married people think? Perhaps they're just trying to make conversation when they ask if you're married?

There is a reason some of us are single which Dr. DePaulo hasn't touched upon (that I've read): broken hearts or unrequited love from the past. May sound melodramatic, but because the topic of diversity came up, this is I think a valid reason so many don't want to marry or even pursue coupling like others do. The scars are just too deep.I hear often that I'm "too picky" because I haven't met anyone that really interested me so much. Read on.

So, a married friend invited me to a x-mas party last week, but added "You never know, you might meet someone" as further inducement for me to go. (I've recently had foot surgery and dancing was out.) As it turned out the one person in the world I did not want to see was there and approached me to "catch up". This is someone with whom I had a relationship, twice, and who since 2004 pops up like clock-work every 5 months or so, and especially when I'm feeling great in my life. My friends and sister joke that "isn't it about time for X to show up?" And spooky thing is he does. And I have to patch myself back together again until I feel autonomous and happy and wonderful again on my own; without a husband, boyfriend, lover to validate my existence.

Paula, I completely agree that Singles are discriminated against. I have since started a singles group and developed a discussion series on your book. I have many instances of discrimination but most recently one at my doctor. I went there for information on birth control prevention and was not only given the incorrect information but also told that because I wasn't "married" I would not be a candidate for a certain type of birth control. I was told that because I wasn't married I was at a "high risk" for STD's! I don't sleep around and have had the same partner for 8 years! Longer than some married people. I am tired of this type of treatment and would like something to be done about this. I have since voiced a complaint against this doctor and would like to take further action if possible. She purposely told me the incorrect information and didn't even give me a choice because of her perception of single people.

Most of the intolerance of my singleness over the years has come from religious, right-wing-thinking people. There's a site called "What Christian People Like" that has a funny segment on this. One of the things they like is trying to pair up single people. It's so true. I would get comments like, "You have no life," "It sounds like you're in denial," "I know you're unhappy,"etc., etc. There was no convincing them otherwise.