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'Tis the season to couple-up just so you can look unsingle for the holidays. Don't do it. Walk into all those parties on your own, and see if you can spot the fake couples. Your own authenticity will be a gift we can all celebrate. Read More
i got tired of it
yeah, it's better to be alone and free than together and trapped.
attaching yourself to someone for the sake of being or looking complete is a bad idea.
i've stopped dating people since i realized i made bad choices in mates. my life was miserable with these people.
i got tired of it and am happier without the interference of misery seeking company.
A detriment to themselves to keep up the charade
I also think that those who 'convenience couple' hurt themselves in the long run. It creates situations where they don't learn how to cope on their own and presents the illusion that they are in a relationship preventing them from meeting a partner they may be able to actually connect with.
If more people were ok with being single, then I truly believe long-term and committed relationships would improve. The dating pool would increase, people would learn how to be self-sufficient, and have the ability to be in a truly healthy and nurturing relationship.
To be fair, I am a (so far) lifelong single who is 28. I plan on marrying some day, but I know there is no hurry.
I agree
No Need to Participate in the Game
This blog brings up some great points. It took me a long time to shake the "convenience couple" strategy for dealing with holidays and virtually all other social events. When I finally gave it up, it was awkward at first, but I felt much more free to be me, and ended up spending time with people, single and married, whose company I enjoyed more than during my forced coupledom; I found friends that became family. I have since married, but our circle of friends as family has just increased that much more.
good example
holidays
Last week my sister, who is recently divorced, invited me to be her date at a Christmas party Friday night. It was a great evening. I wouldn't have gone by myself; too afraid of feeling conspicuous. I don't think it matters who you show up with, as long as you are not ALONE alone. I really wish I didn't feel that way but going with someone does feel better, more inclusive. Ironically though, the truth is probably that people will talk whether you're married, dating, divorced, single forever...It's a huge exercise to not care what anyone thinks.
I stayed in a relationship through the holidays last year because it was more fun. Or so I thought. Problem was I really didn't like the guy; basically it was great sex that kept me in it for 6 months. I finally ended it because it was just so wrong, for both of us. Not proud of all that, but I am so much happier (and well-rested!) living on my own terms again.
Lori, I agree that sometimes
Lori, I agree that sometimes showing up ALONE alone is the problem, not just being single. I went to a party last week sponsored by a neighborhood business at a neighborhood bar. I didn't think twice about going alone because I go to a lot of things alone and I figured the people at the party would all be mingling with their neighbors. Oh I was so wrong. There was a huge mix of people from groups of young women to older couples and their grandkids, but try as I might to work my way into conversations, the only person who would talk to me was the bartender.
I would also like to respond to Bella's suggestion that we should be proud to attend these things alone- I would argue that as proud as you are, the party sometimes isn't *designed* for people to come alone. Last year I went to a HUGE company holiday party at a giant hotel ballroom. The problem was I worked in a nearby small satellite office and only knew 12 of the few hundred people who were there. The other 12 people all brought their partners. The problem started at dinner- we claimed two adjacent tables and of course, I had to find an unused chair at another table and squeeze myself in, making everyone uncomfortable. Then, after dinner, a band started playing. Everyone I knew I got up to dance with their dates! (it was not the kind of music and dancing where everyone has fun together) I was left at the table to twiddle my thumbs for 2 hours until I finally got up and left!
Actually, I would also like to comment on the idea of people bringing friends to parties. Honestly, most holiday events I am invited to, I am invited to bring a "guest" and some people do bring a roommate or friend or relative. But here is the problem- my friends have usually got their own events or those of their partners, and more importantly, why would they want to go to these things where they don't know anyone? I think this is a really interesting point because people are willing to go to something where they don't know anyone if their romantic partner has been invited, as some sort of obligation, and likewise, people invite people they don't know just because they happen to be having sex with their friend. I go to weddings all the time where people have flown across the country to attend the weddings of friends of their partners' whom they've never met! Wouldn't it just be easier for everyone if we invited individuals to events instead of pairs and allowed them to bring a guest if they choose to?
so insightful
it is hard
Couples obsession really spoils holiday fun
After being single for so long (I'm nearly 50), my coupled friends have long since stopped inviting me to their "couples" events. Pairs must be more important than friends. Recently, one married friend called out of the blue to invite me to her parents' 50th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. She said she needed to confirm my address for the invitation but then spent the remainder of the call pushing me to bring "someone". When I told her I'd come alone [so she'd have an accurate guest count], she seemed incredulous and went on to suggest people I could bring - even suggesting that I bring my mother - as if to keep me from showing up solo.
I haven't sent back the RSVP yet. Her folks are nice and the milestone is important but I'm not so sure I want to be bothered now. If she'd really prefer that I bring a partner, then I feel only 1/2 invited without one.
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Bella, your virtual community loves you back. For me personally, your book, SINGLED-OUT, has been very validating. Thank you and Happy Holidays!
thank-you!
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