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"A Mighty Heart" does not just trivialize friendship; it erases it. It does so, in the myth-addled logic of movie-making, to make the relationship between husband Danny and wife Mariane all the more romantic, and the ending of Danny's life that much more tragic. Read More
It is sad this friendship
It is sad this friendship was excluded from the script.
I feel my experience in an opposite sex friendship has been a bit like this - I thought it was valued, but it has become unremarkable, unnoticed in tradition.
With a close friend getting married, I helped him buy the engagement ring he was going to propose with, and was there during some rough times, especially when his relationship with his partner had its own ups and downs. On announcing news of his engagement, he asked me to be the 'best man'.
However after then discussing with his fiance, he retracted the offer. I understand from the fiance's point of view, though it has meant my friendship has been devalued and integrity questioned - not by the fiance, but my friend for not standing by his own decision in some ways. I don't know what to say - after all, it's his big day.
I feel saddened but it is an eventuality I saw coming once someone gets engaged - you expect them to spend less time or even to speak with you. However, when a mutual guy friend was afterwards asked to be a groomsmen, it added salt to wounds and I'm left in the dark as to how to deal with this situation - having spoken to the groom, he knows my feelings but doesn't understand why I'm hurt. He thinks it is about title when it is really about being excluded and a friendship lost.
It is hard to be gracious and be invited to the bride-to-be's morning tea (when you don't know her), rather than the groom's buck's party. No matter how many times you're told that you're 'one of the guys' - you aren't really.
Not really one of the guys
Once a member of an opposite-sex friendship gets engaged, or even enters any sort of committed relationship, it seems all the rules change. Society says it is completely acceptable and understandable for the new partner to resent or be jealous of the friend. Age-old friendships are discarded for the new partner. There is little, if any, encouragement by society for the partner and the old friend to build a relationship. There is a level of distrust and jealousy that is often encouraged. It is especially encouraged by the media who hunger for drama.
I have lost several relationships because I was unwilling to discard people who have been there for me for years due to their gender. It is a tragic instance that I, or anyone, should have to make that choice.
True for same-gender friendships
So far no one has commented on same gender friendships being affected by marriage.
Three of my closest (male) friends are now married. The contact between us literally disappeared the same day. If we keep in touch, I'm the one who must initiate the contact - and getting together requires Herculean (sp?) efforts on my part.
In this day and age of e-mails and text messaging, it takes only a nano-second to keep in touch. Part of the issue, though, I believe is that males are less adept at maintaining social ties than females.
I would never expect to be placed ahead of one's spouse and child. On the other, finishing last doesn't seem right, either.
they are responding
Hi D.C.,
I think that this topic is so important. Even when comments do not show up here, that doesn't mean your ideas haven't taken root. In fact, I've gotten several private e-mails just in the last week or so on this very topic.
I hope people who share your experiences or who have comments on them will share them.
I'll also mention that there is research documenting something like what you have described. In the jargon, it is called "dyadic withdrawal": as a coupled relationship becomes more serious, the people in the couple start to spend less time with their friends. Then, if the couple relationship breaks up, they go back to their friends, looking to be accepted and included again.
Bella
Hi D.C., I agree that same
Hi D.C.,
I agree that same gender friendships they can be affected in the same way. You're absolutely right, and it's certainly something I've kept in mind in my personal relationships.
A balance is essential, and it's certainly unfair and hurtful to find yourself always trying to get in contact with someone who's a friend but genuinely doesn't make an effort now they're married or a couple, regardless of their gender.
I didn't comment on same gender so obviously because my situation was entailed such that I could see a stark contrast between how I was being treated as compared to my opposite sex partner by the now married individual.
In other words, we were both considered long time friends of this person, and while my partner had known him longer, my relationship had been closer and he himself has acknowledged that.
I was very upset by the whole process and felt excluded. I have seen a counsellor about it because I feel the situation has violated some deep principle to do with friendship and the years of contribution and kindness I had given this person.
The situation was overwhelming and unexpected. And attempts to mediate or explain why I was hurt were futile. So I've had to let it go, and move on with life as a hopefully wiser person.
Belated Thank you
Thank you Bella and also Anonymous.
Another thought: I'm not sure if such friends put spouses before friendship because the other spouse expects it or if because society expects them to do so. I guess either way the end result is the same.
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