Living Single

It's about time that introverts get the acknowledgement that they deserve (not that they want or need it). I can remember very cleary being put down as a girl for my introverted attitude, and as a teen being regarded as sort of a snob or weirdo by a few people, all of which culminated in me running away from home at the age of 16. Now I am a perfectly happy, adult single and I could not be more proud of my solitary nature. I am so glad to hear about the research being done on this topic and thanks again for your posts!

Cindy

Great post! Nothing wrong with solitude. I enjoy being with close friends but huge parties are meaningless and sickening (for insane people!).

Even at a young age I preferred to be alone. After church I would run outside and read in my parents' car, for example. I felt stifled in there with all the nonsense small talk.

My mother just signed me up for eHarmony without my permission, by the way. She got the personality profile pretty accurate but she doesn't get it that I LOVE being alone. I don't need to manufacture a relationship over the Internet to make myself a complete person. Ugh!

After reading this posting and the comments below I'm actually a bit relieved because at times I think I'm the only one that enjoys my alone time. I realized a few years ago, like the author of the posting, that the rare times I am bored are only when I am with others. Even with my closest friends or family, after a while I just want to hang out with myself.

Being in my early-mid 20's and single, I have constant pressure from probably well-meaning family members to "find a girl" so I will be "happy". I don't understand how being single equals being unhappy. I'm already happy. I might be happier if I was married, maybe not. But when someone says that I need someone else in order to be "happy" or "complete", I don't understand it, but then it makes me think that there's something wrong with me that I prefer my time alone.

Like the comment above mine, I would also slipd away after church to listen to the car radio or read or whatever, after seeing my relatives who are there. The large crowds of people making meaningless, transparent small talk is not my idea of enjoyable, it actually tries my patience more than anything.

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in being alone. Thanks for this posting, I'll be sure to read some of your other material when I have some time to myself. :)

Yes, we single folks who need and love our solitude, and who scarcely ever experience boredom when alone, always have to contend with the clumsy obtuseness of uncomprehending extroverts! It's as if the contrast of self-sufficiency we introverts present to extroverts is an offensive reminder to them of their own neediness and inner insufficiency.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being alone, in fact even though I love large social gatherings, I also love spending time all by myself. I look forward to nights when my roomate is gone and I can watch what I want on TV, read a book, or just lounge. I also never want to work out with anyone. Running is my time and who has the energy to talk when thier doing cardio anyway?

That being said, I wonder if the hatred for small talk is less of an introvert trait and more universal. Among those who truely thrive on it, I bet there are a lot of people who don't much care for it but see it as a part of nurturing a more important relationship. On nights when my roomate is home, I take the time to make small talk so that she feels appreciated and it assures that during the times we choose to be around each other for extended periods, there is a comfort level that leads to the wonderfully rich conversations we have.

I would never come home and not ask my roomate how her day was and chat it up a bit. I do care how her day was so even if the effort is a bit painful and she may not even much like having to give back the small talk, it's an effort we still both appreciate. It's something we have discussed in those great, deeper, conversations over wine.

I guess my point is whether introverts or extroverts, we all should make sure our preferences don't become excuses to be totally selfish. Solitude will never be understood unless it is obtained graciously.

Pretty much everyone who has posted before me here (including Dr. DePaulo) has already summed up my feelings in one way or another - and pretty darn well.

And I've always wondered whether this tipping towards solitude was a reality. It doesn't surprise me, though. I think as life becomes busier, people (including myself) find that retracting into peaceful solitude each evening couldn't be more natural.

I enjoy my solitude and, when I do seek company, it is generally in small groups with those who are extremely close to me - and usually in doses of three friends or less.

When I am alone at my home, I can read a magazine; pursue my passion (cooking); or just forgot about the day completely. I believe this is a totally healthy practice and one that - at least for me - helps me keep my sanity.

One of the toughest realizations after the first year of my marriage was finding out that I was still lonely and depressed. Marriage didn't fix that. If anything marriage only intensified these issues. The issues for me seem to an issue with myself. People may point to a day when their marriage made them feel connected and safe but I would argue that they may have been a different person during that time as well. Loneliness is not solved by proximity to people but by emotional connection with people.

I too have always hated gatherings and small talk, and I love nothing more than reading along, eating alone, and feeling completely free to do anything at any moment. However, marriage is totally compatible with this. I love being married, and having children. My wife is very similar to me. So we sit in the same room and read, for hours, not talking. And when either of us feels a burst of socializing coming on, we have someone to share it with, and it's always with a person we know really well!

"I have gradually seen the light as to the most universal deficiency in our kind of cultivation and education: no one learns, no one strives after, no one teaches -- *the endurance of solitude.*"

Thanks to everyone for all the great points. The published research in psychology is totally preoccupied with loneliness; in comparison, there is only a smattering of studies on the positive aspects of being alone. I hope that changes soon, and maybe the interest shown by all of you will help in that regard.

--Bella

I'm definitely an extrovert, but all the other rules you mention apply--there are only about three people alive with whom I'd rather spend large blocks of time than be alone. And even then, once my threshold is crossed, it's time to go home. Yet, I'm very outgoing and enjoy being with people...IN SMALL DOSES.

It's not an exclusively introvert trait, preferring solitude. I love not having to "be" anyone...I can stop sucking my tummy in or engaging in all that boring small talk. And you're dead-on about boredom. I've NEVER been bored alone. I find that the more people there are around, the more bored I get and the quicker my people-threshold gets breached.

Great post!

I don't think i'm an introvert. Though i do think i'm a loner. :) They don't need to go together do they? And i wonder am i a loner because i'm single? or am I single because i'm a loner? I hope the latter...

I always felt i was hardwired a bit different. loud parties. nightclubs. i tried to fit in but never did. And so true how one needs to decompress after a night out with a friend just one, not even a group, can put me in a solitude mode for days. happy not to talk to another soul.

I too love being alone. I don't mind occasional socializing, and I enjoy interacting with patients as an RN, but being with other people for hours and hours outside of work drains me.

My parent rarely said anything about getting married and no one seems to think it's unusual that I'm 36 and have never had an intimate relationship.

Nevertheless, being so different weighed on me so strongly that I ultimately saw a psychologist and asked her what was wrong with me. After a few sessions she said there wasn't anything wrong, it was just how I was. Her suggestion was that if my gut instinct was to be alone, and I wasn't unhappy, then that was best.

i hope i'm not violating some golden rule by posting here to invite folks to join a celebration of solitude and single living at a brand new blog:

http://jwadviv.wordpress.com/

hope to see you there!

Thank you for this! Ironically, it's rather comforting to know that I am not alone in craving solitude!

I actually think that the ability to be content by oneself is an enviable gift.

I have seen so many close friends and relatives enter or stay in toxic relationships simply because they fear being alone.

I wonder if the ability to be alone without feeling lonely and bored (in fact, I NEVER get bored when I'm by myself!) is a skill that can be learned?

If so, they ought to teach it in schools across the world!

I love being alone, but I'm not really alone just because other humans aren't around. I have my thoughts, my house, my kitchen and glorious food, music, the computer, the cat, the bugs crawling around all the plants in the garden. I far from being alone.

I love being alone, but I'm not really alone just because other humans aren't around. I have my thoughts, my house, my kitchen and glorious food, music, the computer, the cat, the bugs crawling around all the plants in the garden. I'm far from being alone.

why confuse a desire for occasional solitude with something else?
Many people who are married, or part of a loving couple, enjoy some solitude, occasionally or regularly. That does not make them introverts, and a desire for solitude does not mean someone dislikes other people, "wants to be alone" all the time, fears interactions with others or is self centered.
There is a real danger that this defensiveness is just enabling isolation and fear. Most people have some fear and trepidation when dealing with others and soem have difficulty relating. Rather than helping people form loving and caring relationships, this train of thinking encourages isolation and enables that fear.
However one chooses to live for now, and however scary forming intimate relationships with others may be, such relationships are incredibly healthy and rewarding. Indeed, positive pysch folks show that social connections are quite instrumental to happiness. Let's not encourage others to give up and isolate, jsut because we want to justify our own life choices.

This whole article and the postings to it reminded me of nothing so much as deaf people who refuse to get cochlear implants. Happy with their disability and its culture and believing it's better to be that way. Difficult for the rest of us to understand.

The American pysche is tripping toward Obesity big time and most right thinking informed people know that's unhealthy. They also know that shedding fat takes hard work and grit. Some obese people give up on getting well and start telling everyone to "accept them as they are" and chamge their attitude to accepting obese people. Meanwhile, healthcare costs skyrocket and health plummets. The direction in which the American pysche tilts is hardly an endorsement of health or well being. It might be no morte than more people refusing to do the hard work of facing our fears, our anxiety and becoming vulnerable trusting individuals in order to form deep and nurturing relationships.
I much admire folks who face their fears of other people and of intimacy and who try to form deep relationships, rather than those who do not.
There is much joy in relationships and connections, and much sadness and isolation in too much solitude.