What (if anything) is wrong with that?
One possible answer (mine): If Ryan has wanted to be a sculptor since he was very young, then maybe art, to him, is not a distraction - it is a passion.
EXAMPLE #8
Donald told the author that if he were to marry, he would miss the ballgames, the golf, and all the other experiences he shares with his friends. The author muses (to his readers, not to Donald): "Even if [marriage] is about giving things up and sacrificing, surely we get things in return." For example, Weisman says, we get companionship.
What (if anything) is wrong with that?
One possible answer (mine): Donald already has companionship. He values his friends and the time he spends with them. The author seems to imply that the only companionship that really counts is kind that comes packaged with a romantic partner.
EXAMPLE #9
Sandy told the author that he is in a relationship with a woman who is emotionally and physically abusive. She is getting no professional help. Sandy thinks that maybe she is getting better.
Here's what the author says to his readers: "Sometimes it's one thing, one character flaw, that keeps the ball from crossing the goal line. It's that way for Sandy and his girlfriend. He wants her to win and he is rooting for her, so there is hope they could succeed."
What (if anything) is wrong with that?
One possible answer (mine): Apparently the author is rooting for this couple, too. But should he be rooting for them to marry, or for them to not even consider marriage until the woman gets professional help? Is this an example in which the mythical tug of marriage is so compelling that (to some people) even abuse should not stand in its way?
EXAMPLE #10
The author acknowledges that some men have no desire to ever marry. He's sure there are women like that, too. His conclusion: "these two groups should do their best to find each other."
What (if anything) is wrong with that?
One possible answer (mine): Okay, author, let me spell it out. I'm single. I want to be single. You acknowledge that. You also recognize that there are men who want to be single. Yet your conclusion is that you hope we find each other?
EXAMPLE #11
The author notes that before he even started this project, he was confident about one of the things he would find - that the fear of divorce would be one of the reasons why 40+ year-old men had never married. After interviewing 33 of the men, he concluded that he was right all along. Some, for example, had parents who divorced; others had parents who should have divorced.
What (if anything) is wrong with that?
One possible answer (mine): The author articulated an utterly conventional point of view: the assumption that "broken homes" (as the author calls them) produce adult children who stay single for life. He doesn't tally the numbers (even within his own unrepresentative sample) or cite scientific research. He just found some men whose stories seem consistent with the conventional wisdom, and that was good enough.
I don't know of any relevant studies, either. But I wonder what the author would make of my story. My parents were married for 42 years, until the day my father died.
That's just an example, not a piece of evidence. But here's my point: Why is lifelong singlehood seen only as something bad, that needs to be explained by damaging or distressing experiences? Why not at least entertain entirely different possibilities?
Maybe, for instance, some parents are secure enough to live the life that works for them, without assuming that the same life would work best for each of their children. Maybe what parents can give to their children, that is more valuable than just about anything else, is faith in themselves and the confidence to live an authentic life and not just an expected one.
Well, I have pages of additional examples, but you've probably already read more than enough. I'm not saying I'm right about these men. Weisman interviewed them; I did not. But by asking the men one question after another such as
• What is your biggest fear about being married?
• What is your nightmare scenario?
• Do you think you have a commitment problem?
the author made it quite clear what he believed. He also aptly represented the prevailing societal view of single life: Wanting to be single is not a plausible option.
If there were men in the author's study who feel as joyful and unconflicted about being single as I do, I think they may have had a hard time making their true feelings known.
Until authors, reporters, parents, friends, and everyone else can accept "I'm single and I like it that way" as an answer, there will continue to be a disconnect between perceptions of people who are single and their actual life experiences.
